Oversensitive?

[AmyM92]

I went on a spa trip with a group of friends a few weeks back and feel like I need a sense check. Am I being overly sensitive (aibu) or are my feelings valid?

A couple of comments were made and I wasn’t sure how to react. The one that took me by surprise was “you have been together a long time, but haven’t really built anything
togegher, you haven’t experienced much”.

Now what I took from that was that we don’t have children. I will be honest, I dodge the subject and haven’t told anyone we are ttc. So I am happy to be told that I’m being over sensitive. Nobody else batted an eye.

It came from talking about relationships and a few of the girls have some issues with their partners. I didn’t have much to say at that point and that’s when my friend turned and made that comment.

Nah that was a shitty comment. You have built a life together. Just because you don't have children doesn't mean you don't have a life with your husband.
I'd have been hurt by that too. What is she like normally? Was it a very poorly worded sentiment do you think or is she usually blunt?

Seems a bit of a snide thing to say.
Was she one of the ones having issues?

Jealousy?

To be honest someone could say the same about my (very long term) relationship - that we haven't really experienced much - eg have run of the mill jobs, rarely go on holiday and then only in UK, rent our house.

Some one will no doubt come back with some response for future comments, but basically I feel it is a rude thing to say as unless they live in the same house and in your pocket 24hrs a day they have no idea how much/what you are 'experiencing'.

Are you sure these are you friends OP?

Who do they think they are making judgements on your life and your relationship?

She’s generally not so blunt. I think the comments probably come from a place of hurt. She’s dealing with a lot in her relationship, and since we don’t have children, I think she believes we don’t share the same stresses. It might be her way of justifying how hard things feel for her.

Ask her for a Lego set for your anniversary.

I think it was a mean comment, but I also think you're being a bit over sensitive to still be fretting about it a few weeks later - it wasn't THAT mean iyswim. It's the type of comment that could fall into the "came out worse than it was intended" category. Unless this person has form for being unkind, I would try to forget it and move on.

Surely the time to ask her what she meant was at the time? I mean, it's such a bizarre thing to say, my immediate response would have been 'Built together? What, like DIY?'

I think I’d understand to some degree if we had a more sheltered life but I don’t think that’s the case. We travel, have renovated homes, have professional careers, experienced losses. All this whilst being together throughout teens, 20s and 30s.

I actually think it was ‘that mean’. A totally unnecessary criticism from someone supposed to be a friend.

I can accept that. It would have probably gone over my head usually but I think it felt mean in the context of ttc BUT she doesn’t know that. There have been plenty of comments so I’m not open about it.

I don't think that's blunt at all, its just bitchy. Blunt is telling a truth and not sugar coating it, but from what you've said her comment isn't true at all? If she's talking about children its a pretty unhinged thing to say - not everyone wants them or can have them

That was my first thought as well 😂

Maybe it was a really clumsy way if saying 'you can't understand what I'm going through with my family because you dont have children'?

YANBU, that was a mean and totally unnecessary thing for her to say. Is she jealous because you don't have "issues" in your relationship? Sometimes people who are constantly having problems in their relationships get the idea that constantly fighting and making up is a sign of passion or some bollocks like that, and get snide about people whose relationships are peaceful and calm.

Unfortunately, I think so. We have different relationships and I’m ok with that. There is no point making comparing apples with pears but I am often drawn into these comparisons even though I try to stay out of it and always keep my opinion to myself!

Some people with children assume that people without children are missing out on the full experience of a relationship or adulthood.

I often think those people are envious of the freedom of child free couples or just lack imagination and can't conceive of what their lives would look like without children.

I have two children who are now adults but know several people who are child free through choice (or otherwise) and I love hearing about the adventures they've had and things they've done that I couldn't have done because of my children and circumstances.

No life is better but they are very different!

ETA: people with issues in their own relationship are often critical of others because they are trying to find the positives in their own and make it sound better to themselves.

What an absolute arsehole comment to come out with.

Clearly they aren't happy with how there life has gone and want to tear others down.

She assumes that the only reason you're not having relationship issues is because you haven't experienced enough together. Rather than just having a good relationship!

It sounds like you've built a lot together! Does she know you want DC? I had a friend who got with her DP as a teenager, she wanted a baby since early 20s, he didn't agree until mid-30s. I wondered why she waited around for him to commit when she desperately wanted a child, he wouldn't even move in with her and didn't propose until early 30s. I wouldn't have made the comment your friend did but if you've been in a similar situation to my friend, I could see it could have come from a place of concern that you're not getting what you want from the relationship.

No, she’s doesn’t. Nobody does. There is a tendency to be a bit judgemental so to save the brutal questioning, I actively avoid the conversation or say something along the lines of “all in good time”. Some of our friends have had miscarriages so it just seemed mean spirited generally, even though it was directed at me.

I agree; it's bitchy and pretty nasty coming from a so-called friend.
I would have called her out on it at the time. Her remark to you was probably driven by envy because you have a good, loving relationship, and it seems at the moment she doesn't.