AIBU to hate son's mess and husband's new cluttered tech setup?

[PaddlePrincess]

I’ll start by saying that I love my son and my husband very much. But they are driving me nuts.

My son is 21, an only child and lives away at university at the moment. Soon to be home from May, but also home for Easter for three weeks atm.

I find him being home very disruptive to the calm I’ve been getting used to. The bathroom is always littered with shavings, toothpaste on the sink, the loo not always flushed or bleached. The kitchen is used through the night. I get up to crumbs everywhere and chocolate spread smears hardened in the sink. His bedroom is full of litter, cans and empty packets, clothes etc. He orders from Deliveroo at all hours. And whilst I can tolerate his messy bedroom for the time he’s here, I can’t tolerate it spilling out into other rooms. He’s also very techy and so his bedroom is full of computer related stuff and wires. I hate it. Other than his messiness he’s a good kid.

Anyway. He took my husband shopping (at husbands expense) this past weekend and convinced my husband to buy the new Apple Laptop (he needed a new one anyway). They went to get it - great, but apparently they had none of what he wanted in stock. So my son took him on a tour of the tech shops to buy;
the apple mini
a mismatched black monitor
a mismatched grey mouse
a white keyboard with purple buttons
a garish huge mouse mat
a clunky looking microphone
and all I new about it was when I walked past my peacefully decorated little office and saw a desk covered in all colours, wires sticking out from everywhere and lights blinking. I challenged husband and he says ‘oh but DS said this was the best, or I needed this spec etc’. It looks so ugly and cluttered.

AIBU - it’s their home too. But I just feel like what’s the point in me trying to keep a nice home when everyone else who lives here isn’t bothered about how it looks.

When DS goes back to uni he takes all his stuff. Half of it is there right now and yet his bedroom is crammed and looks like a bombs gone off. I’m dreading him being back for good, despite loving him so much.

I couldn't get worked up over the mismatched tech. Leaving the bathroom and kitchen a mess isn't ok and he's old enough to know better. With that I would send him back in to clean up every time. I'm surprised his housemates haven't pulled him up on it (unless they're also messy!) His room, to some extent should be his to have as he wants, but it needs to be hygienic, so no litter and dirty dishes etc.

Absolutely fine to tell your son he has to clean the kitchen after using it at night. But you don’t get a veto on other household members tech that doesn’t fit your matchy matchy aesthetic!

Oh I hear you. It would also drive me mad.
re bedroom, I find the best thing (even though it annoys me that there is mess behind the door which is my issue) is to demand that there are no cups and pots left in there and are brought down every day, the bin is used and then shut the door. I then enjoy a blitz and tidy back to neat and nice room once they have gone.
kitchen I would stop buying the items that make a mess eg bread and choc spread, and withhold any privileges like doing laundry or giving lifts until any mess is cleaned. Tbh I mostly just clean it all myself as I can’t be bothered with the agro but I can’t bear the mess. I do try to instil some cleaning skills though.

re the mismatched tech, this is harder, I would actually not be able to stand it if I was expected to work in there.
whose office is it and who uses it? If it’s your office to wfh and he has just brought it all for gaming then it could live in a box whilst you are using the desk? Or is it in a main shared area? Can you and your husband come to an agreement about who uses the room and when the tech is out. If it’s his office space, then you could close the door and ignore it, and make a nice workspace for yourself somewhere else.

I think the computer set up is fine as long as it doesn’t take up a desk that you need to use for working in.

Others are allowed to use the house and it sounds like it’s only in one room/ one place, that isn’t the main living area.

Y definitely NBU about the general
mess and lack of consideration though. You need to pull your son up on that sharpish, esp if he’s coming back to live with you from May.

Weird… why didn’t they order the laptop rather than buy random peripherals? And who on earth uses a mouse mat nowadays?

It's half and half, OP.
He should indeed leave communal spaces relatively tidy (although there is no need to bleach a loo, ever).
But his bedroom is his own, so just close the door if you don't want to look at it.
And tech stuff is intrinsically ugly (do you have a TV in your sitting room? I rest my case), and therefore being "mismatched" is irrelevant.
Just unclench a bit and enjoy having him home, because soon he'll be gone permanently.

Office tech isn’t there to look pretty so YABU about that.

Your son needs to wipe up in the kitchen and bathroom after he’s created mess. Other than that, how much Deliveroo he orders and whether his room’s full of random wires and charger cables is neither here nor there. It’s his room.

I think a lot of what you’re saying falls under the ‘mildly annoying but just part and parcel of living with other people’ category. It’s their home as much as yours. Your husband is entitled to choose what computer he wants without worrying about whether it looks pretty enough.

I’m not saying it wouldn’t irritate me a bit, but living with other people does require compromise.

It’s used by us both. I had a lovely calming green, white and bamboo colour scheme, with hints of copper to warm it up. I don’t work from home, but I do a lot of extra from home. DH doesn’t work from home either, but has started a side business, hence the need for a “new laptop” originally.

Thanks for the reply’s.

That’s what I said. Just order it. Oh well.

I’m in the midst of this as well. Ive got 2 at Uni, both home at the moment. I have no H so when they’re not here it’s just me and it’s a difficult adjustment.

I’ve spent the last 6 months declutterring and redecorating and when it’s just me, the house is calm, everything is in its place and it’s generally clean everywhere.
we had a sit down a couple of days ago when I spelt out my expectations about general levels of tidiness, using the kitchen, not putting the loo seat down etc. they are slightly better, but does piss me off when I come in from work to see dishes in the sink, no glasses in the cupboard, McDs takeaway bags and stuff all over the place.

I love them both to bits, but I’m looking forward to them going back.

Sounds like your DH likes the feeling of having stuff his son helped him buy, whatever it is, which is quite sweet.

I do feel a bit like this about my family's chaos, because mess and clutter stress me out and I feel a bit claustrophobic with too much stuff. Hate all the stuff.

But when I feel like that I try and remind myself I love my family much more and family is more important to me than how tidy my home feels...

.... then I run round and clear it all up whilst muttering...

Stood out to me a little in your post that you'd dread your son coming back, I think that's the kind of thought I'd catch myself having and then realise it meant I'd need to rein in the desire for an orderly home a bit.

A tough one because yes, YABU, it's their house too and they have their right to their ugly techy equipment as much as you have your right to a lovely and calm, muted tones office 😐

HOWEVER.... I'm exactly the same as you OP 😂It would stress me out massively so I completely understand where you're coming from and would have to put it all in the shed when they weren't home.

But when I feel like that I try and remind myself I love my family much more and family is more important to me than how tidy my home feels...
.... then I run round and clear it all up

😂Oh god this is absolutely me.

I am currently in the middle of this sort of thing with dd aged 22 too, now back living at home after being at university. I love her to bits but omg her bedroom looks like an absolute bomb site. I’ve said to her I don’t care about the mess (I do, but I just shut the door) but I do care about half eaten food, plates of crumbs, etc etc. Dirty is not okay. It drives me insane.

I also have a gamer dh and a gamer Ds aged 14 who both sound very much like your dh and son.

Sometimes I honestly want to go and live on my own in a clean little house somewhere.

I have two adult sons, one graduated from uni and working from home a lot, the other is at uni and like yours home for Easter.

The kitchen is clean after they have used it as they know how to clean up after themselves. If I came down to crumbs on the side they would be brought to the kitchen to clean it. Totally unacceptable and I really feel for whoever poor bastards your son is sharing with at uni. They clean up after themselves, kitchen and bathrooms. Do not do it for him otherwise he never learns to do it.

Mine learned from a young age what level of tidiness is acceptable so now just do it out of habit, even down to stripping their beds every week and washing both their bedding and bathroom towels on a set day.

You need a conversation about the untidiness and that he needs to clean up after himself.

Your adult husband has ended up with what a 21yr old would think cool by the sounds of it. It's always fun spending someone else's money!

Ugh… DH wardrobe is rammed with random ancient tech, that means his clothes or shoes don’t fit in. So, are all over the floor. I’m always making my side nice, but it’s pointless… At least I can close the door on that.
What I really hate is our giant TV & really shite sound system (he sold our good speaker & took some tinny crap from a mate). I don’t bother with telly, but it’s ruined music for me too. At least I have my nice radio!

I think you need to draw yourself a really clear line on what is objectively unreasonable behaviour (crumbs everywhere, rubbish and used crockery in rooms, toilets not flushed) and what is your preference/aesthetic (mismatched computer kit that doesn't match your preference for the decor, toilet not bleached after every use, clothes in his room not put away).

And then communicate it to the people you share the space with. Make it clear where you are giving ground because it's a shared space and you don't set the rules, and those areas you see as non-negotiable. But make sure the non-negotiables really are that important.

AIBU - it’s their home too. But I just feel like what’s the point in me trying to keep a nice home when everyone else who lives here isn’t bothered about how it looks.

I have the same issue, totally lowered my standards as nobody in our house gives two shiny fucks about the mess. It’s a ‘me’ issue.
🙄

Could you get some cable organisers and have dh tidy it up a bit at least? That would also drive me mad and it's what I would do.

Your son sounds like a nightmare and needs to be taught discipline in his complete disregard in the way he treats your home. He sounds entitled, immature, chauvinistic and arrogant.

I would let him do his own washing and ironing.

As for the Computer junk he
bought. It sounds as like a complete joke as though he was high on LSD at the time. Or completely shit faced.on booze.

Was he trying to be different or ironic?
Perhaps become an influencer or get attention by posting on Instagram.

The techy stuff wouldn’t bother me too much, is he/dad very much want it now, don’t wait people?

The mess I would tackle with him, he’s not a child.

The kitchen being used throughout the night wouldn’t bother me so much as long as he’s quiet and respects the fact that other people are sleeping.

I did get some cable organisers. I removed all the wires that were there from the old Mac and printer that they had left and bundled with the new wires. I got this white piping that it all fits in to. I removed the big mouse mat and bought a smaller calmer looking one to match the room. I swapped out the keyboard and mouse for silver to match the Mac mini…so it’s just the black monitor now, which I can live with.
Ive just gotten the garden nice now too, added more plants and pots and decorative stone etc and it looks lovely and calm, so I feel as though I’ve expanded my space too.

As for dirt and mess, well DS room is a bomb site…but…I told him that I was going on medication that would leave me emotionally unstable (it’s just HRT btw 😂) and that I didn’t want to get upset with him and ruin our time with him at home, so I’d appreciate if he could support my transition onto this new medicine and bring plates and rubbish down promptly, flush the loo, bleach it regularly and keep his crap in his own room and the door shut on it. So far he’s been pretty good. He ran downstairs this morning to tell me he’d made French toast last night and did he leave any mess…he did not I was pleased to say.

As for his dad, well, DS does suffer with terrible harm OCD. So DH saw it as an opportunity to distract him and keep him occupied. He didn’t give much thought to the room. I’m all over it now and we’ve had a lovey few days. Thanks all.