really don;t know if I am.......it is to do with scattering of grandma's ashes, and I don;t know if my grief is colouring my aspect in the worng way.....

[Psychomum5]

my DH's beloved grandma died 6wks ago this week (I cannot believe it, it feels much less!), and we now have her ashes to inter at the church.

MIL has asked me to go with her, and it turns out I am the only one as the rest of the family have said that it is only ahses, and they will not take time off of work for 'just ashes'...

this makes me feel so sad and angry......I feel awful thinking that it will be just me and MIL, how lonely. PIL has really upset me with his attitude, as I feel he should be there for his wife!.

I have asked DH if he will go, and even he has said "yas, but only if mum doesn;t mind if I am in work clothes as I will go straight back"..... (he is a builder, so imagine how scruffy he will look).

does grandma not deserve a little bit more respect???

maybe I am just a bit too sensitive. my childhood was different from most anyway, so some social events are 'odd' in my head anyway, plus this is the first time I have been to a cremation, every funeral before this has been burial, so again, is this in fact quite normal for ashes to be intered (or scattered), with so few people there??

help me please.....I don;t want to rant and rave at DH if I am the one with the problem.

Sorry for your loss, YANBU and your DH's grandma does deserve a bit more respect, surly your MIL wouldnt mind if DH looks scruffy, its the fact that he'll be there, how close was she to the family? x

I think grandma deserves more respect as well.

Glad you'll be there for your MIL.

really close.....and very loved too, which is why I am finding it so hard to understand why no-one els will be there, especially PIL!.

I don;t expect there to be lots of people, but surely all the immediate family should have enough respect to take the time off work for this??

Are the family doing anything else to remember her?

I do admit that I hate the fact that somehow my MIL expects DH and I to travel out of our way to lay flowers at my FIL's grave stone (where his ashes are) - it really upsets my Dh and I think there are better ways to remember the man...

When we buried my dear dad's ashes we kept it very low key, with only his 4 children there. As far as we were concerned the funeral was the 'big goodbye' and the interment of the ashes more of a formality than a big ceremony. Perhaps the rest of the family also feel like this, it doesn't mean they don't care.

Perhaps it's not a lack of respect, more that they have said their goodbye at the funeral.

My grandad wanted his ashes scattered in Edinburgh where he was born, so they lived in the drinks cupboard next to the whisky bottle (he'd have liked that ) for about a year before my mum could get up there to do it. Only my mum and stepdad went. It wasn't a lack of respect on anyone else's part.

I think you and your MIL can make it a lovely private time - your own special farewell to someone you obviously adored.

that is very sad that people are too wrapped up in themselves to take an hour off to do this, yes she deserves alot more respect than this - make your DH take a change of clothes at least!!

Your MIL will be pleased that you are wih her, maybe it would be best if it was just the 2 of you if all anyone else will do is moan about having to be there and ruin the day

i certainly hope that no one is like this when we finally get round to scattering my dads ashes, but for now he's in the wardrobe!

I also think men have a different way of looking at things than women anyway, but agree your MIL shouldn't have to go alone, glad she's got you.

Nagapie, as far as I know, the family are not doing anything else for her. this seems to be the last 'goodbye' as it were.

moshie, you are right in a way, they do care, I know that, it is just that this seems quite odd (but this is odd to just me maybe?)

thefallenmadonna.....I like the idea actually of it being a private time for me and MIL.

I think I will have to go with it all then and not fret......I don;t want to upset anyone if they are all happy with this.....especially as I realise people all griev in different ways. I just thought that really, it should be a bigger 'occasion'.....I don;t know. the funeral was lovely, so maybe, that is enough for everyone else. I am just getting myself upset over something that others are fine with....

I would think that your DH could manage a change of clothes for the sake of his mother, regardless of how he feels.

yes maybe not a lack of respect i suppose when you think of it like that, but i know that i would want my brother and sister to be with me when we have to scatter our dads ashes.

Its a hard thing to have to do and no one should have to do it on their own, i guess i just think its sad that the OP's MIL is expected to do it on her own

I wouldn't be anywhere else than go with her.

I was the only one who would go to the chapel of rest with her......everyone else refused. altho, I could understand that better as it really does upset people to see their loved ones in their coffin, so I didn;t feel like this then (it did upset me, but more for MIL, rather than thinking them selfish IYGWIM).

I really cannot understand tho why they are all putting work first in all this......but then, like I say, maybe I am wired differently

DH is going......I will ensure that......he should IMO!!!

and I will make him change before and after too.

PIL however, I cannot rant at him, that would be very rude and would not help at all! Maybe DH could find out why he is against it tho, he may have reasons??

and as for BIL and SIL......am annoyed, but will keep opinions to myself, and just have the time with MIL as me and DH, DH can go back to work and I will take MIL out for something to eat. we can do something special just us!

its not wierd your just being a caring daughter-in-law, your mil will appreciate you being there and i hope you manage to make the most of the day together

thankyou sparkles.

MIL said she is hoping to talk to the vicar and we go friday of next week, in the morning.

if that is right, then DH can go, and then go to work after, and I will take MIL out for lunch and make a nice day together.

Different strokes for different folks, I suppose..

Good for you to be there for your MIL

that sounds nice, it doesn't necessarilly need a 'big do' but something to mark the day is only right i think

I have come to the conclusion that each family handles grief in their own way, however weird it may seem to other people.

I say this as someone who started a thread a few weeks ago horrified that my SIL was going on holiday the day after her mother died.

In the intervening weeks I have learned to keep my mouth well and truly shut over a whole load of things that have completely amazed me. But it is the way it is and I think all you can do is what you think is right and feel happy doing .

chocteapot, you are right. grief is different for everyone!

this is why I did this thread....I really wasn;t sure if this was just my way of looking at it or general consensus.

it is so hard isn;t it, when you see how people react, and you inwardly gasp in horror as you think they are so harsh! honestly, sometimes my tongue is so sore from biting hard to stop myself saying somehting and starting rows!

I swear DH's family are barking, they make mine look sane which is saying something !

There has been so much going on with MIL whilst she was ill and since she has died that I find truly astounding. The old biting the tongue is standing me in very good stead atm I can tell you !

If it makes you feel any better, my FIL refuses to bring MIL's ashes back to the Bluebell wood she said she wanted them scattered in (she was cremated in Spain). It would have been a chance for the grandchildren to go and pay their respects and I could have gone too (didn't make it to Spain after the funeral was changed after we had booked our flights, I gave up at that point). But no, that isn't going to happen now until he dies. I imagine she will be sitting on a shelf somewhere until this happens, who knows !

So keep on with the tongue biting and deep breathing, it will all pass.

Does he want them with him? Some people do find comfort in that I know.

tbh I think it's a case of different people doing things differently.

When both my grandparents were cremated my mum/her sisters didn't keep the ashes - I assume they're buried somewhere at the crematorium but have no idea. similarly when dh's granddad died the same applied. None of the family wanted a grave to visit etc which was part of the reason why they wanted a cremation.

I would always consider the funeral to be the last goodbye, and if it was a burial then obviously you would go to the grave if that was what you desired.

But I think the scattering of ashes is a private thing tbh, and as a grandchild it would never even occur to me to take a day off work for it.

I guess so, and I guess it makes no odds to her now whether she is scattered now or in however many years time. It's just she had made it very clear it is what she wanted, she viewed the ashes being scattered as her proper funeral.

But it is down to him and it doesn't make any difference really so I have managed to keep quiet about the whole thing, as it is nothing to do with me really.

@ your FIL chocteapot. that sounds really awful!!!

(and I have just now realised that I have been referring to my own FIL as PIL.....was there thinking of him as papa-in-law).

I remember your thread now. I hadnt realsied tho that you then gave up, altho I really do not blame tou for that in any way, they were VERY unreasonable!

makes my in-laws quite normal in comparison.

my family however.....!