Following on from another post asking at what age do you feel like you have it all sorted, it's really made me question my life...well I have been for some time, but I'm at a loss on how to change it or just be happy living with it. It's a long one, so feel free to scroll on by.
When I was younger, I appeared to have it all sorted. I owned property from a young age met my husband and was blessed with children. Things went wrong for me and I feel like now I am just trying to get by now and don't feel very happy at all. I'm in my 40s and have spent most of my life with my husband.
Many years ago, my husband was unfaithful but very remorseful. It was a massive shock to me and I was pregnant and vulnerable at the time so we decided to try and work through things. I was petrified of being a single mother at a young age. Generally he is a really good husband and treats me well. He has always worked hard, he is kind, affectionate and has always told me how beautiful I am, even when I put on a lot of weight and didn't particularly like myself. He does a good share of housework, we are a team with the kids and he always supports me and give me time to do things I want to do. It took many years, but we got back to a good place and I felt happy.
However, we have struggled financially. We managed to get into debt, ended up selling our house and are currently renting. We are still struggling with debt. We don't live an orutagously lavish lifestyle. We haven't been abroad for 18 years, we don't have cars on finance, we don't eat out a lot. The debt remained since we struggled over covid/furlough, redundency etc and from just never earning enough to pay it off quickly. My husband took out an IVA for his debt and I am desperately trying to clear mine without going down this route.
During covid, my husband hit a low/midlife crisis point and walked out. My children were devastated and I was heartbroken that I tried so hard and he could walk out. He came back after a few days and apologised and I took him back. After the kids knew he was home, he confessed to sleeping with someone else once whilst he was away. I was so so angry and would never have allowed him back if I had known. I honestly couldn't bare to put my kids through him leaving again so allowed him to stay. Understandably, I have not managed to get past this. I really do try and things are okay, but inside it eats me up. I can't afford to separate whilst in this debt and it would absolutely break my kids hearts as they adore him. I cannot fault him in any other way as he does everything any wife would want, other than having been unfaithful, clearly.
I don't believe he has been unfaithful since, but in the same breath, I am not daft and know it is entirely possible. I am willing to hold back on my feelings and keep going until I am either in a better place financially to support them on my own, or the kids are older (my youngest is 9). I don't want to separate my family and have to spend time away from my children, or deal with the dynamics of a step mum. That would hurt me far more than dealing with this feeling. We rarely argue and when these feelings get too much and I break down, he is patient, remorseful and reassuring. I don't believe the kids have any idea of my feelings or these issues as I am very good at hiding this from them, because he is a great man in every other respect. In fact, I think most people that know us would be shocked to know what has happened and how I feel as I keep it all to myself.
I work almost full time and extra when there is opportunity - there is no scope to increase my hours permanently. I am the default parent for my children's appointments because it is easier for me to rearrange/make up hours whereas my husband would have to take unpaid leave. One child has lots of hospital appointments and the youngest still needs me after school, so need to stay where I am for the flexibility. I earn a fairly decent amount for the hours I work.
My husband does the odd day of overtime and is accessing career progression, so there isn't scope for him to increase either. I'm not able to access lower rate borrowing to move debt, so I am just trying to pay off as much as I can, but we keep getting hit by big unexpected bills - car, washing machine, school trips etc.
I am petrified by the lack of security in renting and not having a back up plan. I am trying to focus on the positives in life - I have beuatiful kind children, day to day I have a supportive kind husband, I live in a nice house in a nice area and it is affordable because our rent hasn't been upped much (another worry in the back of my mind).
I'm not really sure what the point of my post is, other than to say I really have't got it all figured out yet, I didn't imagine these difficulties in my life. Compared to others, I am very fortunate. But I'm scared, I want to find a way out of this debt and I don't want to feel the hurt of having a husband who was unfaithful. I want to feel secure.