“Bestfriend” seems to have no use for me now that she’s happy again - angry, AIBU?

[Rainbowsandsunshine72]

Feeling a bit hurt/angry tonight and just wanted to ask for opinions. Bestfriend and I have been in each others lives since we were small. The last 5 or so years we have been very close.

Bestfriend has a fiancé that isn’t so great in a nutshell, and for the past year I’ve been there for her and sometimes felt like an unpaid therapist. Which she was there for me at times, 80% of our chats were about her and her life. Despite feeling a little overwhelmed sometimes I tried my best to support her, through the daily trauma dumps and the “I need you now” messages. She used to want to see me weekly as well to rant. (We’re both mums to small kids too)

A couple of months ago I went through a rough time at the beginning of my third trimester and became quite poorly. I had to focus on myself and wasn’t always available for chats. Since then, bestfriend has new mates that she goes out with all the time and she’s told me the weddings back on with fiancé - they’ve gone from breaking up becuase he cheated and was the worst person ever to booking their wedding venue. She now seems to have no time for me, and is constantly showcasing about how amazing her new friends are and how they are her rocks now.

I feel a lot lighter as I do not have the constant trauma dumps, but I’m sad that now I need support she’s too busy and has no time for me anymore. She has gone from “let’s meet weekly and I need you” to “I’m sorry I’m booked up for the next 8 weeks with wedding plans and meet ups with the other girls”

Of course, I’m annoyed at myself for being so available and probably for putting her needs over mine a lot. Now I feel like I’ve been dropped the moment she’s happy and I’m the one needing support.

YABU - She’s happy, got new mates and doesn’t want to talk about your woes now.

YANBU - I can understand why you are sad

She doesn't sound much of a friend - happy to take but not to give support now you need it.

Don't forget her behaviour when things go tits up for her and she wants your support again.

Well this is what DH said to me, she will end up getting cheated on again or her friends will get bored and she’ll come running back.

It has happened before, unfortunately.

I can totally understand how you feel. You invested a lot of your time in the friendship and when you need someone to be there for you, she’s too busy. She sounds like she’s not good enough for you , op

I think you just have to follow her lead now. You can't undo the past but take comfort in the fact you were a good friend and tbh it sounds like things will go to shit for her again and then you can be too busy to help her (if you feel so inclined!)

Yes you are right, what’s done is done and I have to look forward.

My baby is due any week now! And I will of course be extra busy as I already have other young children to look after too. I just need to focus on me, my family and let her get on with it.

Have you had your baby yet? The baby seems like a great reason for you to be too busy to be there for her when it all inevitably goes tits up again.

He’s due any week now, exactly, last maternity leave I had she would pop over all the time to rant about her life. This time I’m focusing on me and my children and saying no, I’m busy. Sorry

I’m so sorry you’ve been ditched like this but it could be a blessing in disguise. I distanced myself from a friend like this for similar reasons albeit much less dramatic circumstances. She’d come around and talk at me for 3-4 hours and I’d feel like I’d barely got a word in. She’d also come around and comment on the same things as it if was the first time like saying oh you have a new sofa (the one we’d been sat on for 4 years) it was like she didn’t notice unless it was her story. I felt petty but it was exhausting.

Focus on your needs and your families, your free time is precious so use it on something that brings you joy not drains you x x

Thank you. I think there was a reason I felt like I needed to step back in the first place and focus on myself when I became poorly and it probably was because the friendship was too much. I’m not saying it’s over, but I’m going to be focusing on myself and kiddies now and stop being so available xx

If sounds like a very one-way friendship op. I'm not surprised you're hurt - I would be too - but she's obviously the kind of friend who is all take and no give. You are nk longer useful to her so she had dropped you in favour of these 'amazing' new friends.
I say you just let her get on with it. Her new friends will undoubtedly eventually realise what she's really like and drop her like a hot potato. I can pretty much guarantee her marriage won't last either so, when she comes running back to you, you can tell her you're far too busy with the new baby and don't have for her.

I’m sorry you’ve gone through this OP. It sounds like she may have found other people to listen to her trauma dumping now. I had a friend like this too, very intense and needy for a while, always talking about how she can’t go longer than a week before seeing me until she became friends with someone else and now trauma dumps on them, she no longer needs me. To be honest, I’m enjoying the peace and quiet. Life sends us these lessons sometimes, don’t ever give more than you have in the future.

Exactly! Enjoy the peace from the trauma dumps. No doubt they’ll be plenty more in the near future but she’s now given you the opportunity to choose not to listen and support if you don’t want to without feeling any guilt.