Why can’t I emotionally regulate myself? And how do I do it? Feel crazy

[Lonncon]

I am 40 and for as long as I can remember I have struggled with my emotions. I can’t seem to regulate them and feel things deeply and launch into a panic response to most things. I can’t seem to stay calm and I feel anger and hurt and fear with great intensity.

I wish I could change. I don’t know why I am like this.

What have you done to try to learn to regulate your emotions? In my experience it's a skill that not everyone is taught as a child. You have to work at it like any other skill.

@Cryingatthegym i have tried to find things online and read books. Nothing seems to help.

You could be neurodivergent. It could be a trauma response.

it might help to find the cause ultimately, but focus on the symptoms.

I have found since having children, I have got better because I am learning, practicing and teaching them. The books or techniques that work on adults might not work currently because they assume a foundation of being able to regulate.

Are there certain situations that you find more tricky than others?

"What have you done to try to learn to regulate your emotions? In my experience it's a skill that not everyone is taught as a child. You have to work at it like any other skill."

Who tells you that? I come from a family in which my siblings can regulate their emotions. I couldn't and was called a nut by my dad. My parents didn't teach me to clean my teeth. How the fuck are you magically know that your problems come from emotional irregulation?

Not a concept known to the average person until a couple of decades ago. Also a neurodiverse person doesn't pick on such things. Such a patronising unempathic thing to say.

As I have got older, maybe I have got better, but still i can't control the feelings on occasion. No matter how hard i try.

Anyway that post pissed me off. I will now write another one to help the OP. Example of my emotional regulation skills or not?

hi,
maybe have a read up about ADHD in women
as this can be linked to difficulity in regulating emotions
& also RSD- Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Have you tried CBT?

I don’t know very much about it admittedly, but one of my kids had some light CBT sessions when they were struggling with anxiety and it really helped them change the way they thought about things. They only told me a little about what happened in their sessions but it was mainly around reframing their thoughts. It really really helped them and they still use the techniques they learned now when things become overwhelming.

Can you give some examples of what happens and how you react? Some situations and some reactions are actually perfectly normal but shitty people will tell you you’re over sensitive, over reacting etc. Especially if they need to keep you in your place.

Can you delay your reactions at all?

Do you think it’s a trauma response or neurodiversity? Or a mix of both?

I have found these 100% help:

• good night's sleep is essential
• cut down on booze (no hangover)
• remove triggers (keep out of DH's way when he is grumpy)

These probably help in the long term:

• meditation (or dog walking in my case)
• nature (dog walking)
• exercise apparently (but sometimes it actually sets me off; otherwise dog walking)
• eating whole and fermented foods (listen to the zoe podcasts).

Maybe a proper adhd diagnosis would be life changing. But at 51 in a stable job, with a healthy family that is something i am going to have to pay for. I can't afford the 2000 needed.

I just muddle along day to day. I don't feel crazy, but recognise that I have days when I am less able to manage. But I know that they will pass. I try to accept who I am, recognise the role my parents played and reflect and learn from my outbursts.

As I said, I'm speaking from my own experience. I've learnt how to regulate my emotions well as an adult, after not necessarily being able to do so when younger.

In my experience, it's been a skill that I've had to develop and work on.

You may have been able to do that. And genuinely great that you can manage your emotions better.

However, for some it is not a skill that can be developed. Coping mechanisms maybe can help. But framing it as a skill, means a set up for failure, which makes everything worse.

Joined to read advice from others. I’m neurodiverse and find it harder after menopause to regulate my strong emotions. I’m am currently adjusting my hrt but finding that progesterone is making it worse not easier?

Look up DBT self help online and find the emotional regulation section. Try some mindfulness tapes when you aren’t experiencing intense emotions and hopefully you’ll be able to draw on them when needed. Jon Kabatt Zin’s mountain and lake meditations are good. Watch how you talk to yourself in your head and have some catchphrases like, All things must pass and How important is it? to use. It takes time for any of this to have an effect. Remember emotions are natural and we have them for a good reason but it’s not always wise to act on them.

Start on basic wellbeing.
this means getting good sleep, eating good food and having a healthy diet, no alcohol, low sugar, and exercise.
walking is fine. Walking in nature is better. Regularly. Aim for daily walks even if it’s just 10-15 mins some days and longer than other days.
Do some guided meditation. There are lots of free ones on YouTube.
This will help you to manage your emotions better and this will take work.
Do this alongside therapy if you can.

I have autism and find weight training really effective at preventing me from becoming dysregulated, and managing emotions. It reduces the stress hormone cortisol and boosts dopamine and serotonin. If I don't train I find the anxiety creeps back in and I start feeling overwhelmed. A healthy diet really helps too as it keeps blood sugar stable, supports the gut microbiome and keeps inflammation down. Sleep hygiene is also really important.