Is this just how attraction is in your 40s??

[Waitingforthesunnydays]

I’m a single mum, early 40s. I had a pretty traumatic separation from my kids’ dad 5 years ago and I haven’t had a relationship since. I’m in a great place now though and would really like another relationship. However, I just never fancy ANYONE anymore. I’ve been on plenty of dates with people who are my type on paper, but I just don’t ever feel that spark/urge to kiss them/desire to rip their clothes off/butterflies/can’t stop thinking about them etc like I used to. I’ve had a couple of flings with a couple of different guys, so there was obviously enough attraction there with them to sleep with them, and the sex was great with both of them, but when it comes to attraction in general, it all just feels very dulled down. Like it’s a bit numbed or something. I’m just a bit meh about every potential date. I feel like dating apps have become a chore that I just can’t be arsed with. Yet I would really like a relationship. Is this just how attraction is in your 40s? If you’re my age or older and single/in a new relationship (or even if you’re married!) have you found this has happened to you? Or do you still get ‘crushes’ on people? Do you still get wildly excited about someone you fancy? Still get butterflies etc etc?

Unfortunately I think diminishing hormones play a big part, even before perimenopause. Theres no biological imperative there anymore. And after menopause the ‘sex’ switch just went off, absolutely no sexual feeling now whatsoever. It doesn’t sound like you are at that stage though, maybe you could focus more on the other qualities you are seeking?

Not for everyone!!! During menopause heavy/irregular periods were rather off-putting for both of us, but once that stopped, back into action. I'm over 70 now, and still enjoy great sex!!

Yes, you can get buterflies etc at any age, you just need to meet the right person!

I agree with this. I think this is far more common than the reverse - the odd comment you’ll get where women say their sex drives went off the charts.

No, I don't and I consider it being a very very good thing. It's not the age that caused it, it's being single for a while after a shit show of a relationship where I did a lot of work examining my relational patterns over the years. What I have learned is that crushes and butterflies are not a good sign. It's my body telling me something is off.
I am all about slow burners now and developing connection over time. The things I look for are absolute honesty, consistency, open communication and good sex. I realised I only feel obsession with someone when they are inconsistent and I feel like I am chasing. Which is not a good foundation for a relationship.
I dated someone briefly where sexual chemistry was off the charts but I felt pretty calm about them otherwise. Until one day he didn't call when he said he was going to call. And I was literally crying my eyes out even though objectively nothing changed. He messaged five hours later with an excuse rather than an apology and that was it for me. Great chemistry, but not compatible as long-term partnership.
My current guy is rock solid - calls when he says he is going to call, does what he said he was going to do and it felt almost eerily calm. Some might say boring. I questioned whether the attraction was there and had to give my head a wobble eventually because, honestly, he is wonderful and I feel 100% safe, seen and cherished when I am with him. And that's an incredible foundation to build a relationship on.

It’s great that you have been lucky in this regard, but unfortunately I don’t think its the experience of most women at all, and I worry that the pressure to continue feeling sexual and wanting lots of sex is just another societal expectation on women.

I’ve a friend who is single in her forties but to be honest doesn’t care now to chase a relationship

. She’s done the apps etc over the years and she just hasn’t the energy. She has a busy social life anyway and feels that it’s going to take someone special who enhances her life to want to get back into a relationship. She would rather that organically than left or right swipes.

I’m 58. There’s a wide range of how my friends feel about sex, from not feeling anything at all, through to a raging desire for it. I don’t think either way is not normal or wrong. Myself, I’m up and down, some weeks I can’t get enough and other weeks I really can’t be arsed, mostly I land somewhere in between. I do fancy my husband like crazy though.

I still fancy people, feel sexual attraction, really enjoy sex. But that doesn’t mean it happens often, or with lots of people: I don’t think it’s terribly unusual that you’ve been on a dates and not felt overwhelmed by them, and online dating adds another layer to that - it’s difficult to gauge chemistry from photos even if someone seems to be everything you think you’re looking for on paper.

Also, how is your general health and lifestyle more broadly? I know my libido takes a dip if I’m not exercising or active enough and really picks up when I do and when I have a good routine going with sleep, social activities, and just feeling productive. If the last time you were dating was pre-children and thus with a lot more time to dedicate to yourself, it’s not surprising that you feel differently now. I don’t think it’s always quite as simple as things switching off just because you’re edging towards / peri-menopausal.

I don’t think it hormones. I think you are more self aware, more mature and smarter. You will get the butterflies when you meet the right person.

I think it’s different if you’re already in a relationship as opposed to meeting someone new, so people saying they still fancy their husbands isn’t really the same. Although I know the OP did ask.

I’m single. I wouldn’t say I necessarily went off sex itself during menopause. What I think happened instead is that I stopped wanting to satisfy men for very little reward! The “urge” to be in a couple has left me, so I don’t even really register now whether I think someone is good looking or not. So no I’m really not attracted to anyone.

I can identify in some ways. But I find I do sometimes get that initial spark, but then feel like men always disappoint in one way or another, once I get to know them.

obviously no ones perfect, I think as I get older my standards are higher and my tolerance is lower.

having said that, I am in a relationship but do question it quite a lot, however I feel like I am very lucky to have found someone that aligns on all the important things. There are still things that bug/irritate/disappoint me but I suspect that’s a me thing more than him 😬

Im very similar to you. Single mam, early 40's, traumatic break up with my kids dad 4yrs ago. I haven't dated at all. Im just not interested. I hope to meet someone eventually because i don't want to be alone forever but i just haven't felt attracted to anyone.

Ive no explanation for it. Maybe its our age. Or maybe im too jaded. Since my break up I've had seemingly happily married men try it on with me. Ive found out couples who I thought were genuinely happy together are actually miserable. Theyre just too scared to go it alone. Or can't afford to. My opinion on love and relationships is in the gutter right now.

I found that where there was a spark and real chemistry the relationship wasn’t a healthy one. I stayed too long and accepted far too much poor behaviour when I fancied someone and they reported to fancy me. I don’t think it’s hormones as these haven’t affected me (yet). I’ve tried to date guys who are better matched on paper and found them all completely dull.
The dating pool is small, and even smaller when you raise your standards! These are the men that women have left, generally for being dreadful.
There have been some guys I’ve really fancied but knowing that they wouldn’t be a good match I’ve not progressed anything. Hopefully this is progress. But I do understand what you’re saying. Just make your single life as good as it can be.

My libido is still normal, I haven’t experienced any hormonal changes yet and I do miss sex. But as a PP said, her “standards are higher and tolerance lower”. That’s exactly how I feel. I’ve grown up, learnt a LOT and matured more in the last 5 years than I have at any other time in my life and got to a stage where I’m more mentally stable than I’ve ever been. So possibly part of it is fear and not wanting to rock the boat because atm my life doesn’t really have any ups and downs, it’s pretty boring. But I’ve found having this very structured, boring life (that I’ve never had before) actually brings me a lot of peace and stability. This is something that’s super important to me as I’ve had poor MH in the past and I’ve discovered living this way (kind of isolated from society, without much of a social life) keeps me in a calm, stable place mentally. This is also super, super important for my ability to be a good parent to my kids. Anyway, went off on a bit of a tangent there! But what I was trying to say I think was, part of me is scared of the impact of dating on my life & MH eg. getting rejected, the general ups and downs, and experiencing different emotions other than ‘flat’ and calm. Maybe my subconscious is sabotaging my dates by making my brain subconsciously not be attracted to them because of this fear!

We are older and wiser now.