To want to get in my campervan and drive far far away???

[TheDancingHorses]

Not sure what the purpose of this post is, guess I just need to let off steam and hope for some words of wisdom on how to keep going as everything feels pretty tough right now and I just want to do a runner but, realistically, I know that’s not remotely possible.

Background - I live with DH, my two DDs (12 and 23) and my 1 year old DGD. DD23 was living with her now ex partner but he kicked her out a week before DGD was born and she cannot afford to get her own place so is with us for the foreseeable.

DD23 and DH (her stepdad) have not been getting on. He’s not been particularly welcoming since she came back home and had made it pretty obvious that he doesn’t want her or DGD here. They had a big argument at new year and things have been difficult ever since.

DH and I are on rocky ground too and have been for a few years now. We’ve been together 15 years and tbh I don’t think he was emotionally ready for a serious relationship. We’ve struggled for a long time due to nasty behaviour of his sister towards me and he has admitted since that she has and will always come first to him. He emotionally withdrew when his mum fell ill around 5 years ago and hasn’t really been interested in our family life since then. I want out but we can’t sell our house as there are issues with the original consent from 30 years ago that are taking forever to sort out. He’s suddenly started making an effort now I’m on the verge of a breakdown but it feels like too little too late.

The last couple of years have been awful. My mum passed away two years ago and last year I lost my only sister. Our dad passed over 20 years ago so I have no birth family left. The grief is overwhelming and I feel numb most of the time. Switching off from it is the only way I can keep going.

Meanwhile, I’m holding down a full time job, looking after a dog who’s had major leg surgery, trying to be an active and present mum to my youngest, supporting my niece who has lost her mum and trying to help bring up my DGD as her father has had nothing to do with her since she was born. I have no friends to talk to irl as we moved 10 years ago and I’ve never had the chance to develop any strong friendships.

Some words of wisdom or positivity would be really appreciated, I just want to feel a bit less alone. Thank you.

You're not alone. 💐
Your DH puts his sister first?
How? Loyalty? What is the background there?
I think you need to tell him to make a decision re you and your mutual daughter because he has checked out. If he doesn't make a decision to become active in your marriage etc then make a decision for yourself. Things aren't impossible, it's just that some courses of action are preferred and we get stuck thinking there is only one path forward. Sometimes you need to make a less preferred choice for a greater end result.
Does your DD23 work? How does she contribute to the household? She needs to.
If her xDH isn't contributing tell her/help her pursue financial support from him and where ever else she qualifies. What support can your DD23 get for help with DGD otherwise, ie nursery?
Can you use some annual leave for a day off here and there? If so, could you book a day off every 3 weeks that is just for you? If yes, don't use it for errands or chores. Use it for something nice, relaxing, fun. Use if for yourself. Maybe see a therapist on that day as well, in the morning then have the rest of the day to reflect and treat yourself.
Things are difficult, but you can make some changes to ease the burden and take back some control. 💐

Why son earth does dh put his sister first?

Think about what you absolutely need to do. Which is to earn a living, look after your 12 year old and offer what support you can to adult DD and neice.
Then think about how to make these things as easy as you can. Does your H offer anything of value to this? If not, your aim is to sideline him so at least he doesn't obstruct you. Try not to centre him or worry about him.
What about adult DD? You are doing a lot for her. Is there a way she could reciprocate, spend time with her sister/cousin? Do some of the domestics?
When you've whittled things done to the essential and identified the ways you can do these and what other people can and realistically will do to help, it might not feel so overwhelming. Then you try to plod on until your grief starts to dull (maybe some counselling would help) and you feel in a better place to consider bigger life chances, like whether to stay in your marriage.

You need to drop that waste of space of a partner. Tell him to go live with his sister. Your life will be less hassle then.

I’d be willing to bet you’d feel a lot better without the DH around. He sounds very draining. I hope you can sell the house and move on without him soon. Plan your new life, it will help.

Thank you to everyone who had posted, I appreciate all your thoughts and comments.

I like the idea of planning a fresh start, I can hang on in with the way things are of if I know there’s something on the horizon to look forward to. Like many women my age (early 50s), I’ve had a lifetime of pleasing others and doing what’s best for everyone else and it’s quite weird to actually start thinking what I want (or what’s right for just me and DD12 as she such as awesome person).
DH has always put his sister’s feelings and needs first. This might not have been so noticeable had she not been so nasty to me - talking rubbish about me to mutual friends, turning their parents against me (their dad didn’t speak to me for nearly 15 years!), trying to split DH and I up. He’s well aware that she’s done all this and had agreed that I’ve done nothing to deserve it and yet I was supposed to forgive and forget as “that’s just how she is” and the have a “special bond” as she’s always been good to him apparently. So I’m the problem as I refused to have anything to do with her unless absolutely necessary, or unless I caved into pressure from DH. For example, when our DD was born, the midwife was reluctant to let me home as my blood pressure was too high so she only let me go on the understanding that I had as little stress as possible. We arrived home and an hour later his sister and her two sons arrive to visit as DH didn’t want to stop her coming over as she was excited to see her new niece and had a right to come over. This was despite knowing how stressful I found having her round as she never missed a chance to make snarky comments and make me feel uncomfortable.
Sorry, that ended up being a lot longer than planned but must admit it’s quite cathartic writing stuff down.

Also cathartic to say it out loud so I would also recommend some therapy, it might really help you process things as you start to plan your new life. I’m 54, spent many years as a lone parent and whilst the early years were tough I really enjoyed the peace and autonomy that a life with just me and DD was. No one to negotiate with (apart from teen DD 🤣) Enjoy the new life planning, look forward to a life without him and his awful sister in it.