AIBU to still be upset about my DH behaviour during the birth of our DS (now 9 months later)

[FTM25]

SORRY ITS A LONG ONE

My relationship with DH hasn’t felt the same since the birth. I know relationships change after a baby and hormones play a part, but I feel like I can’t move past how unsupported I felt during labour. He says I should get over it because he’s apologised, but it feels more like an apology to shut me up than real understanding. I’m also questioning whether I’m overreacting and things weren’t actually that bad.

From first contractions to birth was around 42 hours. Baby was back-to-back so labour was very slow and extremely painful. Due to slow progression I went home the first night to labour. I was awake all night contracting and in agony. DH doesn’t function well when tired and I could tell he was getting annoyed, so I went into the front room overnight to labour alone so I didn’t disturb him. At the time I didn’t mind.

Early the next morning I woke him and said we needed to go back to hospital. Before getting in the car he asked to smoke. I said please no as I was in so much pain. We set off, then just before the hospital he pulled over, got out and had a cigarette while I contracted in the car.

At hospital I was only 2cm. I was given pethidine so I could rest between contractions. Each time I woke with a contraction I held onto him, but after a few times he told me I needed to manage them myself because he was tired. He kept talking about how tired he was. I messaged my sister to come as I felt like I was annoying him. When she arrived he went home to shower but was gone 5 hours — he’d gone home to sleep.

While he was gone the pain became unbearable and the hospital couldn’t locate a doctor to sign off pain relief for four hours. My mum had to go to our house and tell him to come back. By the time he arrived they were preparing the epidural. At this point I had been in labour for nearly 40 hours and was 9cm. I was so distressed they had to restrain me for the epidural.

Eventually baby was delivered with instrumental help and an episiotomy. Afterwards we were moved to a ward and DH repeatedly complained about being uncomfortable on a plastic chair while I was lying there with a tear and episiotomy. Two hours later he went home to rest.

I then developed an infection and couldn’t walk or get out of bed. To give credit, when he came back he did look after baby overnight while I physically couldn’t move. But when midwives moved me to a chair he got into the hospital bed to sleep. It didn’t bother me at the time but staff and other mums’ reactions made me feel embarrassed.

Recovery at home was rough. I could barely walk, had infection, hormonal drop, feeding issues (later found to be tongue tie). DH put a lot of pressure on me to breastfeed even though I was in pain and struggling to even sit comfortably. During a home visit the midwife was reassuring me that lots of people are unable to breastfeed and that it doesn’t always work out. DH was standing in the corner repeatedly saying things like “but breastfeeding is best” and “but she should keep trying.” The midwife actually turned to him quite sharply and said words to the effect of “breastfeeding has to work for the mother before it can work for the baby, and right now it clearly isn’t working.” I burst into tears because I felt overwhelmed and embarrassed that even the midwife had picked up on the pressure he was putting on me.

On day 5 we went to the health visitor. On the way home he insisted we go to his mum’s where all his siblings and their children were already gathered and the house was full. I said I wasn’t ready, I was still in pain and just wanted to go home. He got angry and said my mum had been around the baby every day so why was it okay for my family but not his. I tried to explain that my mum wasn’t visiting the baby — she was there to look after me while I recovered, help me get up, sort food, and support me while I was struggling physically and emotionally. He didn’t accept this and said he would just drop me off at home and take the baby himself. I didn’t want to be separated from my 5 day old so I went, crying in the back of the car.

Before we went in I explained I’d been taking laxatives, my bowels were unpredictable and I felt embarrassed using the toilet there with a full house. We agreed that if I texted him to say I needed to go, we would leave straight away. We ended up staying about 5 hours. I texted him saying I was in pain, my stomach was gurgling and I needed to go, but he made me wait another 40 minutes before we left.

Overall I just feel like he didn’t meet my needs as a person in pain, let alone his wife. This behaviour was very out of character which is why I’m second guessing myself. Much more has happened since this as well, including me going through PPD and having to leave home to stay with family for support because I wasn’t getting it at home, but this post is already long enough.

I’ve spoken to friends about this who completely agree with how I feel, but I don’t know if they’re being biased because they’re my friends. I’ve also mentioned smaller parts of this (like him stopping for a cigarette and telling me to manage contractions on my own) to some of his family, and it was laughed off with comments like “that’s just men” which has made me question myself even more.

So AIBU? Am I right to still feel hurt by this 9 months later, or am I just being hormonal and overreacting?

I cant believe people stay married to these absolute cunts

Obviously I agree with everyone that he was rubbish.

however leaving or asking him to leave when you have a nine month old is tough. What are your options here?

you can try radical acceptance which is accept he isn’t good at this. He got overwhelmed at the birth and let you down. He knows this and is probably feeling shit and in denial. He had a tv view of what birth would be like and all his family cooing over the baby and reality hit hard.

you could decide to stay another six months and drastically reduce your expectations and that includes parking sex, intimacy etc. focus on you and the baby. Spend time with your friends and family over him.

take a view in six months when you are a bit stronger and baby is older.

just to survive really and deal with him later on

How. How could it be different? Just based on the simple facts of the labour, this man is a grade A cunt.

Gagging at your username, which totally tracks.

She states that they co exist in the same house. This isn't just about how he behaved when she was in labour

On the positive side, if you dump him, what will you miss? He’s no use at all even when he’s there. You know this isn’t right, save yourself many years of putting up with it and move on now. I’m sorry you didn’t get the support you needed, I didn’t either yet I continued to make excuses for him for a further 18 years.

I read it. However suggesting a woman with a 9 month old leave is easy for us to say. Very hard for her to do.

Well mine cried and said the exact words "I can't believe what you've just been through." I am sad for op and other women though who don't get the same.

Get away from this man.

This sounds like a lot to think through. Based on what you say this doesn’t sound like a full or full filling relationship.

I’m not sure the labour is really the issue but does sound like the tip of the iceberg of shit behaviour. Your friends reactions definitely don’t seem biased. As a stranger on the internet I think he doesn’t sound kind or loving.

You’ll probably be happier in the long run without him even though this first phase of separation will be very tough. The fact you are wondering if his behaviour is actually shit suggests you are quite ground down. Better to get out now while you can see it before you get so entrenched you are not questioning it at all. Don’t silence your instinct. It’s telling you what’s what here.

His family sound like a bunch of knobs.
Who puts on a family party expecting you to show up when you have an infection, days after a very difficult birth?
Genuinely, who the fuck does that?
Zero emotional intelligence.
Of course they dismiss his behaviour as normal as they are a bunch of cunts as well.

Honestly @FTM25 sounds like you would be better off without them.

You are not being unreasonable- your post made me cry and I want to give you the biggest hug.
His behaviour was appalling. Xxx

OP, this man is just utterly selfish to his core. He will never, ever put your (or anyone's) needs above his own. This will only get worse. I totally understand your anxiety over leaving but I would be making plans to do so.

@FTM25 sounds like the only reason you are staying with him is because you are scared he will be abusive if you leave. But that's the reason to leave. Fear isn't the basis of a healthy family.

You keep saying you want/need to "move past" things that are actually really awful.

My first (!) marriage was like this, too. Big things and small things that I learned to "move past" because what else can you do if you want a harmonious life?

Ditto the miseryguts DH who sucked the fun out of things.

The other thing I recognise is how you are second-guessing yourself, relying on feedback from his family (!) and even from this forum. You have lost all trust in your own judgement. This is because he undermines you constantly by treating you as though you simply don't really matter. What happened around the birth of your child is just one example of that, I'm sure.

For me, and I suspect for you too, over time this has eroded your confidence to the point where you no longer know if you're dealing with a "big" thing or a "little" thing when something deeply upsetting happens - it's all the same, just something you have to move past. (And the voice whispers in your ear: You've managed before, so why not now? What makes you think you're so special all of a sudden? How come you put up with A and B, but not C? How could you possibly explain the shift in logic?!)

Again and again, you tell yourself that if things REALLY come to the crunch, he'll come up trumps; and again and again you're proved wrong, but you know it's something you can move past, given enough time.

And so the waiting game goes on, waiting for that one big thing to happen that is totally unforgivable, but it never happens because you're already done so much forgiving that you've lost all sense of scale.

The funny thing is how much this has a ripple effect through our whole life. In my case I did leave him, eventually, when something happened that I could not move past (although it took me a couple of years to realise it). And it was a painfully messy separation because, of course, he made it as hard for me as possible. But once free, I slowly began to trust myself again. Eventually I was amazed to realise that I no longer anxiously sought the input of random people on things that did not concern them.

Best of all, I began to notice situations where people treated me as though I didn't matter, and removed myself from those, too. Over the years, I changed jobs and found new friends. My life is wonderful now. Yours can be, too, but not if it is poisoned from within by your DH.

Are you the higher earner?

He sounds like a miserable twat.

I think at absolute best, he needs an ultimatum - couples therapy paid by both of you or you leave. You don't have a relationship to save though, by the sounds of it.

Big hugs OP
You will never get over this because it is totally unforgivable
Please make sure your contraception is watertight (although sleeping with someone who treats you like this is utterly grim)
Of course you need to LTB, your relationship is dead and judging on everything you’ve said, no, he’s most definitely not a good dad and an even worse life partner

I feel like crying reading what you experienced.
My niece had a very similar labour experience to you. The difference was her husband was fantastic. It was during COVID restrictions so she had to do antenatal etc on her on. Come labour and the rules were removed enough to allow him to be with her. It ended in with am emergency c section. He was great all the way

Having gone through a very similar labour and birth I felt so sorry and angry for you reading this. 💐

You're definitely not being unreasonable, he treated you terribly at one of the most critical moments in your life, and that speaks volumes.

I wouldn’t say leave him if he’s decent in other ways but he needs to genuinely accept the awfulness of his behaviour and massively step up to prove himself going forward - if he is capable.

It's very odd that you remember things in such forensics detail. It sounds like you have no interest in forgiving or forgetting and ruminate on this. I'd love to hear his side of the story. I'm guessing it would be very different.

When something is out ipof the ordinary happens and you have strong feelings, either positive or negative, you tend to remember how you were feeling. Even when you have had time to process and reflect, those feelings remain strong and valid.
So I dont think it is odd at all.

Well I bow to your superior knowledge (despite the "my dear" which was a little gratuitous) that men are somehow unable to support their partner while they give birth adequately, but any excuse they may drum up doesn't give good reason for being useless after the birth.

I think the point you are really making is that men could be perfectly fine at the birth, there's no reason they can't be but somehow they just generally aren't. Which was my original point. That men need to toughen up and assume proper responsibility.

Sorry, I hadn’t rtft when I commented, he sounds quite abusive, I can’t see any positive traits or reasons to stay.

How is that being a really good dad - feeding his child at night and sitting with him so you can do things - that’s bare minimum op

moaning at the farm etc and complaining about being tired - this is going to be life for a long time ! I bloody hate soft play and the playground - but I’m still there most weekend regardless - always at kids museums and farms too ! I can think of a million things I’d rather do - but I have little kids so 🤷‍♀️

your kid is only 9 months so still easy in terms of what they want to do - but another few months and you’ll have to be out and about more with him - and your husband is gonna have to learn to deal with this .

he sounds like a lazy arse and how he behaved during the birth I would have told him to leave and not had him there for the birth tbh! Also the breastfeeding thing - he sounds so unsupportive

i hope you decide to leave him

I wouldn’t be worried about him wanting 50/50 he wouldn’t cope and he’d soon change his mind cus he’d rather sleep than look after his child

Why do you say he’s a really good Dad? Is the bar so low that it basically amounts to covering a couple of nights at weekends? He moans on days out, hands his child back quickly, complains that he isn’t crawling or walking when he’s only 9 months old, had to have a row before agreeing to contribute to his child’s upbringing financially. The list goes on. This does not sound like a “really good Dad”.

So, apart from him paying 50% of the bills, and doing about the bare minimum of parenting, what other positives does he bring to you relationship? Because I’m guessing fuck all.

You want to propose taking my husband away from my births solely due to others' behaviour. Is that right?

Wrong.

(is that simple enough for you?)