AIBU for not enjoying baby stage (nearly 9 months) and feeling like a bad mum?

[SophieRules]

I feel like a terrible mum. I’m not patient, and I don’t enjoy singing nursery rhymes, constantly needing to talk, go out, play etc he’s very fussy so not an ‘easy’ baby, not just me that says this. I just am not enjoying it and feel bad that I’m so rubbish at it. Keep hoping things will get better. But every day is the same after another night of terrible sleep. Will it get better? Will I become a better mum? Why do I feel like other mums seem to just be good at this? Finding it harder and harder each day

You might find parenting an older child easier. I certainly do. My 8 year old is a delight but was a tricky baby and toddler.

Don’t compare yourself to other people and try not to be so hard on yourself.

Not everyone likes the baby stage. With my first I remember feeling I was only beginning to enjoy it as I went back to work! I remember there was a big change at 3 as well when they started to become more "reasonable" i.e. understand bribery 🤣

I enjoyed parenting a lot more after my baby turned 1 and when I was getting more sleep. I loved my babies but I didn’t enjoy the early stages compared to toddler years and now primary age years.
I was very good at making it look like I was loving it but when I started talking to people about it I found a fair few felt the same. Everyone struggles in different ways and has the stage they find the hardest

I cannot say I enjoyed dd2. Too much whinging and refused to eat. Slept well. I’d maybe try sleep training? By 18 months I got DD some nursery time. She started eating there and completely changed in 2 months. Can you use a child minder for some time off?

I also wasn’t a fan of the baby stage. So intense and they are so dependent on you for everything. It gets much better when they can walk, tell you what they want, feed themselves, take themselves off to
the toilet etc. Around 5 is a great age. Don’t feel bad it’s hard going and exhausting when they are small babies

I didn't even realise you were supposed to enjoy the baby stage. I thought of it as something to endure until they became more interesting!

Gosh I was terrible at the baby stage. Struggled with everything, including the weight of expectations from others, and had some PND on top. I have literally enjoyed being a mum more worth every month/ year that has passed. I think as time passes and they grow and become actual people and you can just do more fun things as a family, rather than the whole focus being guessing what the baby might need or do at any given moment.

Some people love the baby stage and mourn every milestone that passes cos 'they're growing up so fast'. That wasn't me, i enjoyed it now with each passing year. I love all the things we do together and seeing her gain her independence as she matures.

I found 5-9 monyhs so hard when dd was alert but couldn't do much. She turned a corner at 10 months when crawling and her peronality began to show. You aren't a bad mother, you are exhausted xxx

I think it’s pretty common to struggle with the first couple of years! I can’t really remember it as was so tired at the time…if anyone asks i say it was fine…pretty sure it wasnt!

Dear OP, I could have written your post when DS1 was the same age. (12 years ago now) If it helps, I don’t really understand anyone who finds it enjoyable!

My ten cents’ worth is: crack the sleep, and the other stuff will likely feel easier and more manageable.
Traumatic birth plus relentless sleep deprivation tipped me into PND, which I steadfastly refused to acknowledge or admit for 9 whole months.
I had refused to do any form of sleep training because I had allowed myself to be completed captured by attachment parenting ideals of centring the baby at all costs, even to my own sanity, to the point of complete collapse. Please don’t do that. Get help.

Do whatever you need to do to get sleep - maybe even get advice from a sleep nanny (with DTBs we sought advice from the lovely Mel https://www.sleepnannies.co.uk/ and I wish I’d done this with DS1) or getting in some help from a friend / family to give you a break to be able to sleep.

It will get easier I promise, but I can’t stress enough how important it is to reach out for help for this very difficult stage. Wishing you all the best OP. 💐

I think it’s a fake it till you make it thing for a lot of us with babies. Tiredness doesn’t help. Cosleeping might help sleep

Thanks for the replies, I’m hanging on in there. I just wondered if anyone had strategies to help me get through this stage and EACH day, currently I:
Go out each day, it would be unbearable to stay in
I do speak to other mums but they mostly seem to have got it together more than me/their babies seem happier so I end up feeling worse

I will try sleep training again but it hasn’t worked and I’m not sure it will
I am looking forward to getting back to work but that’s not until he is 1

Any other advice?

Other thing that helps me is mindfulness, trying to be in the moment with the baby as much as possible

For me my baby went from up many times a night to basically sleeping through when I started cosleeping and then I could enjoy the days more. Totally agree going out each day helps. Do you have a DP? Doing something for yourself where you can at the weekend helps

I also find it quite unbearable to be at home with mine, he’s now 18 months, but from the beginning, I basically was out every day almost all day. Not always easy because I was tired, but still much better than trying to entertain him at home. Before they’re too mobile, it helped me to do things for myself, like exercises classes where you can bring a baby to lay on the mat/stay in the pram.

Baby is the easy bit - they only get more demanding as they get older !

I enjoyed the baby stage for the independence of mat leave and as an introvert, the baby didn't "count" somehow, even though I chatted away.

But a toddler is so much fun by comparison. We can ramble about together, chat, go to judiciously chosen fun stuff, eat out.

It doesn't make you a bad mum to not enjoy a stage. It only makes you a bad mum if you always do bad things as a result of not enjoying it.

Just grin and bear it for now. It’s ghastly, but for me, parenthood fell into place s soon as I went back to work. Very few people are suited to being a SAHP.

OK practical tips: the thing that the sleep nanny suggested, that most helped with sleep from Day 1 with one of our twins, was upping the fat in his diet.
She said that sometimes older babies’ diets are too high in bulk (weetabix, brown bread etc) and not high enough in fat, which they need for their developing brains and to be able to sleep.
She suggested adding nut butters, full fat yogurt, little bits of cheese, creamy custard puds, full fat Philadelphia etc, and it really did improve things from the first full day of trying it.
Perhaps worth a go? (Obviously with the usual caveat of allergies etc)

Also I found getting out and walking with the buggy as fast as I could improved my mood. It’s nicer if you have a mate with you, or another mum. You could maybe try baby classes at the library (grin and bear it), or MN Local, or an app like Peanut.

I listened to Radio 4 a lot so I would have something interesting to contribute to conversations as it’s so isolating being the mum of a baby. And now there are loads of podcasts and audio books which can give a little sense of escape if that help.

Hang in there OP - every day that passes is closer to your son being able to do more stuff, and closer to you being able to get back to work. Also the weather is getting better and hopefully that will help too. CORAGGIO! 💪🏼

10 months old was the pits for me.

The cute everyone coping stage has finished. The baby can't really communicate yet. You are still firmly in the trenches and the baby is starting to become mobile so you literally can't do anything but watch them.

It's an isolating period. It's getting more difficult to just go out. They get upset if separated from you for even four seconds because they still haven't separated from you in terms of their understanding. The baby stage has almost lost its novelty to you and you are ready to move on but they aren't there yet.

It's utterly draining.

I've seen numerous threads over the years talking about 9/10months in this way. You are far from on your own.

It gets better.

Ooft I can relate - my baby is nearly 8 months and has become so fussy, clingy, not as happy as normal etc.
I remember the same with my first baby too. But it got a lot better once he started walking / moving on his own. He was much less frustrated. So I’m really trying to encourage my baby to practice moving!
I think they can also go through growth spurts around this time which increases fussiness and impacts sleep. Plus separation anxiety starts to kick in.
My first son never experienced separation anxiety and slept brilliantly from 6 months. My second though is the opposite and it’s soo much harder. So there will be some mums who aren’t having the same experience that you are. But I promise you most people will be struggling to some degree. They just might not show it.
I think you’re doing the right things by going out everyday etc.
It’s just a period of time you have to try to survive and know that like all the previous tricky stages it will end soon.
I think once they can move and even start to communicate more eg with pointing then they are much easier. Maybe just keep encouraging movement and communication skills. Lots of singing and pointing and naming everything you see and lots of floor time.

Solidarity. It’s so hard. I would not try sleep training as some have suggested as this means usually leaving bubs to cry (they call it “protest”) and this I would find far too upsetting. also your baby needs you and night milk at this young age. Also sleep needs change, Sleep is up and down for the first few years with developmental leaps, regressions /progressions, illnesses and teeth etc. (I’m a GP and a mum of three boys) BASIS has evidence based info online on normal infant sleep (Durham university)
instead keep your baby in your bed or co-sleep with a co-sleeper crib. That way you don’t have to get out of your own bed at night. I breastfed at that age so I could feed lying down aswelll so I felt like I was resting. UNICEF has safe bed-sharing guidelines.
my children went to nursery at 12m and I went back to work so felt a bit more like old me sometimes in work.
find a tribe ? I joined a nice baby group and a nice breastfeeding coffee morning, kept me going!
I got a cleaner in to keep on top of the housework. I went part-time in work aswell.
currently on third baby. I’d recommend joining FB group “the beyond sleep training project” for support with sleep that doesn’t involve sleep training. This is only a season of your life. Your baby won’t always need you this intensely.

You're being VERY hard on yourself. I really think we need to seperate being a 'good Mum' from loving and cherishing every minute of motherhood, which is just wildly unrealistic for the vast majority of women. You can love and adore your DC and also find elements of parenting them difficult, frustrating, thankless or just plain dull! Honestly, I practically skipped back to work after both my Maternity leaves and I feel no guilt about that whatsoever about that.

In terms of advice, if I could go back in time I would tell myself to stop doing things you think you're 'supposed' to do and fill your days with things you'll actually enjoy. I hated baby groups, soft play, Rhyme Time, Baby Massage and all that stuff with my first. So with my second I didn't do them. We still got out every day but we went to places I knew I'd enjoy as well.
Also, you don't need to be interacting with/talking to your baby all the time, it's perfectly ok to strap them in a carrier/pop them in the pushchair and listen to a podcast or music while you go for a walk. It's ok to put them in a jumperoo or bouncer or whatever in front of Cbeebies for 20 minutes so you can drink a cup of coffee in peace.
Do you have any willing babysitters? I was a bit of a martyr with my first, I knew GP's would happily look after the baby for a few hours and the occasional overnight to give me a break but I felt too guilty to take advantage of the opportunity most of the time. If I could go back in time I'd tell myself to go for it, there's absolutely nothing wrong with needing time to yourself.

@SophieRules my first hit 18 months before I really started to enjoy motherhood. He started talking (so the guess work went) and was sleeping through. He was a fluent speaker and running round everywhere from 2 and I realised I was loving being a mum.

My second was 12 months when I started enjoying her. I was more experienced so think this was the reason.

I definitely didn’t enjoy the baby stage, some people just don’t. I’d rather it this way though than the other way round as they are not babies for long but little interesting people for 17 years!

Your enjoyment will one day kick-in.

@SophieRules what child care are you having when you get back to work? Start him now?