AIBU to feel lonely and miss close friendships in my late 30s?

[10thlittlemonkey]

I’m in my late 30s, married with kids, and I’ve been feeling a bit… isolated lately. I don’t really have any proper friends. My partner is definitely my best friend and the only person I feel I can be completely myself with outside of my immediate family.
I have a couple of “mum friends” I see occasionally, but it’s mostly chatting about the kids rather than anything deeper. It’s nice enough, but it doesn’t feel like real friendship. I don’t have anyone I can text to go for a drink, or to something spontaneous. there’s a 90s silent disco coming up that I’d actually love to go to, but I’ve got no one to ask.
I also don’t really have anyone to gossip with or vent to apart from my partner, which makes me feel a bit… stuck? Like everything goes into one place and feels insular.

In my early 20s I had loads of friends and a busy social life, but over time we’ve all drifted. I’m in middle management now and tend to keep colleagues at arm’s length to stay professional. In previous jobs I found it much easier to make friends, but it feels different now.
What I find hardest is that when I meet new people, I don’t feel like I’m being fully myself but I can’t quite put my finger on why. It’s like I’m holding something back or trying to say the “right” thing rather than what I actually think. I end up feeling a bit flat or guarded, and then nothing really develops beyond surface-level chat. I don’t know if it’s confidence, habit, or just being out of practice with making proper friendships.

Is this just how life is at this stage, or AIBU to feel like something’s missing? And genuinely, how do people make real connections later in life when you’re working full time and raising a family? It feels like there’s no space for it, but I really miss having “my people.”

Join a social or sport club. WI, netball, ramblers. Reconnect with your friends from earlier in life. My best life long friends are from school. Then a load from Uni. Then my first job. Then my second job. Once you have good people hang on to them. It's hard when you work full time and have kids. Xxx

No advice but just wanted to say you're not alone. It makes me want to weep sometimes.

Making and keeping friends definitely takes work and it's easy to let that slide if you're busy with work/ family. What about your old friends from your 20s? Could you rekindle those friendships?

I have made good friends through hobby groups, although it definitely takes time to do this. Could you find time for a hobby?

@10thlittlemonkey when did you drift apart from your friends? Have you stayed in touch with any of them via WhatsApp at all, like the odd Merry Christmas, comment on a photo they’ve posted on FB etc…. because just reach out, send a message via WhatsApp and say hi, I’ve really missed not seeing you, do you fancy a long overdue catch-up?

I did this last year with 2 of my best friends that I hadn’t seen for 5 years. They were so happy to hear from me and we’ve all been out together 4 times since.

Before this, I was the same as you. I’d let friendships slide and DH and kids were my only company.

I’m in danger of getting like this; I’m more introverted than I used to be and too tired to make as much effort as I should with the school Mum’s. I’ve made one nice Mum friend and a local church friend but it’s not the same as those friends from school/university/20s.

I recommend redoubling efforts with your 20s friends. For my 40th I organised a lunch in town with that group and we all had a fab time - it did us all the power of good and I’ll be aiming to make it an annual thing. Don’t let those old friends go.

I’m early 30s but on mat leave and resonate with a lot of what you’ve said. It’s lonely and hard x

Yes I should have elaborated on this. I moved away from my home town 12 years ago. I have reached out over the years but it's difficult to maintain these friendships as we're 1-2 hours away, they've all since had kids. We do message occasionally, but the 2-4 hour round trip is the biggest barrier to those regular catch ups, support each other after a tough day or a good laugh over a few glasses of wine so although we are well intended when we chat and say we'll meet soon, it never really 'happens'

Do you go back to your hometown at all, to see parents or siblings and you could arrange a night out with a friend or two? Or could you just ask your friends which weekend they are free as you’d like to head back to your hometown to catch-up with them, and book a night or two at a hotel for yourself.

Then also look at local groups that you could attend, dancing, sport, hiking, book club, parkrun. I know many runners (not me) that have met great friends from their Sat morning parkruns.

Don’t put pressure on yourself. It only takes to click with one person locally to stop feeling lonely, but finding that one person takes time. Just enjoy talking to everyone in the meantime.

I dont have any advice but I feel exactly the same. Its very lonely. My friends are too busy with their children to meet up often and I also have a child and a busy job so I just dont have the energy to join a club. I am awful with new people, I find it excruciating and im dreading my child starting school as im sure it won't make any mum friends. Its a tough time so sending sympathy!

I went through something very similar in my late 30s, I think it’s definitely a thing- like you, I had moved away, and people’s lives move on. I was advised to join a club doing something I really loved- I had a few false starts but persevered, and it really was the best advice ever. Some groups I joined were a bit cliquey, but others were very friendly and in time I made good friends. I found I just had to stick with it.
I know it’s hard to even think what hobbies you might like to do when you’re used to putting other people’s needs first, but what did you enjoy doing as a child? I think something where you can laugh and not take yourself too seriously definitely helps break the ice- I read somewhere that community choirs are particularly good for this.
I’ve got friends that have made good friends line dancing, jive dancing, attending sound baths, doing kids Christmas present drives, community gardening, cold water swimming- anything like that appeal?

I'm in the same boat . I still like going out but apart from partner don't have Gal Pals to do pubs etc with . My bestie passed away a few years ago . I would like a friend to do stuff with and share a bottle of wine

OP, you’ve had some good advice on this thread. I managed to find in my new tribe in my 40s, by joining WI, most of the members joined to meet new people, so we were all in the same boat.

In the exact same boat. I've joined a few groups but don't have someone to go to silent discos / concerts with. Yet.

I’m exactly the same - moved from my hometown in 2010 and have struggled to make good friends.

If any of you ladies are anywhere near Wolverhampton give me a shout 😊

I'm in the same boat. Lots of acquaintances but no friends. I'm in my early 50s.
I drifted away from all my school and uni friends. Then made mum friends when I have my son but drifted apart or fell out with them.
I talk to work colleagues for 20m a couple of times a day at lunch, but our jobs are done solo so that's all the contact we have.
I am a member of ramblers and chat to people on walks, but no friends there. I'm in a singing clgrouo with some lovely ladies, but we only see each other in rehearsals and then we are mostly singing.
My DH is my best friend and he's all I need at the moment. I like having acquaintances I can chat to about lightweight things. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have my DH though as I'm otherwise incapable of deep friendships!

My DH is also my best friend - however a number of years ago he had a health scare (false alarm, thankfully) but it made me realise that I needed to cultivate a friendship group. I think this is particularly true as we get older. In any marriage, one of you is usually going to outlive the other.

I’m similar except all my friends had children and I was unable so they so naturally just spent time together doing things with the kids and I got left out. It does suck but I’ve learned to live with it. I have my husband and if the worst was to happen I am happy enough with my own company only.