AIBU to feel overwhelmed and wonder if life will get easier?

[Tiddleypom1]

I’m just so done with it all (life). I’m nowhere near where I wanted to be/expected. I did everything right, studied hard, went to uni, had a career, met DH, had a family, bought a house. But now the walls are closing in.

My two DDs (4 and 6 school and nursery) fight constantly, I had to leave my FT job a year ago as had a breakdown and couldn’t cope. I now work PT in a crappy job as all I could get. DH is self employed and works all week long hours. We live pay check to pay check, never have any money, massive mortgage. I’ve just done the school nursery run and sat in the car afterwards and cried for 5 mins.

I’m in my 40s and life is just so hard. I don’t have any hobbies or interests as have no time. I used to be an interesting, work driven person who went out and enjoyed life and now I’m nothing. Just mum. And I don’t think my kids even like me as I’m frazzled. I do everything for them, go without so they have a nice life. I also do all the mental load, as well cooking, cleaning, diy, drop offs/pick ups (DH doesn’t drive).

just wanted some solitary. Will it ever get better?

Not until you start prioritising yourself.
You may need to make some choices which will not feel comfortable - smaller house with smaller mortgage, even if kids have to share. Which will hopefully reduce pressure on you and your husband. He also needs to learn to drive. And what is "long hours" anyway? Is he out of the house for 16 hours every day? If not, then he can clearly pick up some cooking and cleaning jobs at home.

Honestly... lots of women are age were taught about this perfect recipe that you describe... then we get it and our brain is wired with 'what next, next goal?' When actually parenting isn't a short term, end date orientated challenge and nor are the rest of the daily grind of life.
I was diagnosed wjth adhd last year. Can't believe I didn't think about it sooner. My overwhelmed and burn out was masked by trying to be that perfect girl.

Time to put yourself first. Great advice above about downsizing etc. Financial pressure is hard. Time for you has to be a must, book it in and husband has to make sure he is there to look after the kids so you have that tome, he needs that time too if he isn't already. With the downsizing and less financial pressure hopefully yhat money can be used for nice things- hobbies, a cleaner to take a job of your list, holidays. Whatever it is.

My kids are similar ages, I now live with my mum after splitting from their dad and the last 2 years have been hard and not being able to see that light at the end of the tunnel that we used to aiming for is a struggle! So we have to make changes and keep looking for those glimmer or all the positives in our lives abd make sure we are filling our cups!

Your DH needs to work smarter, in fewer hours, and to learn to drive.

Absolutely down size. No large house is worth this stress.

You’re in the trenches just now. You’ll find yourself again as they grow. Remove or at least reduce your expectations of yourself in the meantime. Survive and then thrive again when it’s more manageable.

If you can't cope with a stress of a large mortgage than get a smaller home.

1. Decide what you could do for YOU. What hobby would you like to do. A 4 and 6 year old can be in bed by 7pm, so find an evening class of some sort to go to once a week for a start.
2. Re-think the career. What do you WANT to do?
3. Are you claiming any benefits you're entitled to?
4. If the kids are arguing, then put consequences in place. Or treats in place if they manage a whole day without arguing.
5. As your DH to split some of the chores. If he is WFH then he can perhaps do the meal planning and organise an online food shop to be delivered?

You are not being unreasonable at all. Life with a mortgage, job and small kids is flippin hard, especially if DH isn't much help. I agree with those saying consider downsizing - it's much less stressful living in a smaller home with less financial pressure when you're feeling overwhelmed. Have a sit down with DH and sweep the deck: say you don't like the life you've co-created together and lay out what you both want life to feel like, then work out what needs to happen in order for that to become reality. You've co-created this life, so you can co-create a different one. It sounds like you need to be pretty hardline with him about not coping/being unhappy, and you need to ensure that things change by setting clear expectations and saying what will happen if things don't change. He needs to be given clear reasons/motivation for changing things (whether that be learning to drive, moving house, getting rid of some subscriptions, him changing jobs so he has capacity to help more or whatever).

As for the kids arguing, I've found the books '1 2 3 Magic' and 'How to talk so little kids will listen' really helpful. Having a zero tolerance attitude to them arguing and any other back chat/moaning trains them to behave better and they do learn after a while. You basically 'count' them, with no emotion or extra words, at first sign of behaviour you want them to stop, and if they get to 3 they get a consequence (not a punishment, but a reset). It's trickier if the 4 year old is still in a tantrum-y phase (one of mine was very screamy from age 1 to 4 or so, and genuine upset needs dealing with differently - personifying an inanimate object often worked!) but the arguing between them can definitely be trained out of them. My two can be quite squabbly still at 10 and 7 but they usually don't get to 3 now because I nip it in the bud.

I've had a heck of a few years with a long, slow marriage breakdown that started during covid, plus chronic illness and a career going down the toilet, so I know what it's like to be extremely stressed, frazzled and exhausted while dealing with two young children. You really have my sympathy. But you CAN change this! But also: things will get easier as the kids get older. Young kids are relentless. Good, no-nonsense discipline really helps.