How do you support your kids through secondary school?

[Daffodils88]

I’d really appreciate some advice on this.

My child started year 7 in September in a secondary school which has a good reputation & Ofsted are happy. There’s a parent’s whats app group & they all seem happy & often say positive things about the school.

The thing is my child’s coming home regularly & telling me about what their peers have been up to/saying. In the last week this has include different children vaping in school, a disclosure of incest, a disclosure of a suicide attempt, self harm in school & a ‘joke’ stabbing. I have no idea if any of these disclosures are true or not & I don’t know the children involved. The school already know about some of this & the rest I’ll contact them about.

I’ve got no previous experience of secondary schools, our primary school experience was completely different in that there were one-off incidents, as opposed to this where there are ongoing things with the same kids. The new school has several children who are obviously going through really traumatic experiences & understandably that’s coming out in their behaviour. My child is seeing all this & is completely overwhelmed. Their attitude to school has changed completely, in that grades have dropped, they’ve lost enthusiasm & are starting to fake sickness so they don’t go in. I’ve been speaking to other parents with kids in other classes & they’re not having the same experience, then I’ve spoken to parents with kids in other schools there’s all sorts of really sad & horrible stuff happening to teenagers in secondary schools.

I know teenagers are experiencing all sorts of pressures like never before, it’s horrific. My question is how do you equip your child to be with kids who are having a different life experience? Yes, this is a state school but it absolutely applies to private schools too.

Hello, does anyone have any suggestions or similar experiences? I’d really appreciate some other thoughts on this. x

Hi OP it is awful and I sympathise. I was shocked about the behaviour and the way things are now compared to when I was in school when my DC started in year 7. I think you will have to speak to school and ask if there is any support available for your child.

That sounds really tricky. At my DC school there are fights, and vapes, and WhatsApp drama, but it's dealt with well and it doesn't seem to affect my child or friends day to day.

How are these children behaving?

Why do you think is it impacting your child so much? Are they highly sensitive?

So I think these things are, unfortunately, quite normal. Apart from the abuse, I’d say my dd (Y8) has witnessed or had friends talk about all those things.

BUT generally they are not happening at school. There is very little time in between lessons and running to get to the canteen and eating and running back to lessons on time. 90% of the time, where this stuff comes up is online in group chats (or Snapchat, but mine’s not allowed that, but I do hear about it secondhand). What’s his phone use like? Are you reading his messages? Monitoring what he’s doing?

Two things we do is I really focus with mine on staying in her lane, don’t get sucked into drama, but if something happens and someone needs help, you help them. If a friend has disclosed sexual abuse, he needs to speak to pastoral care. They can also offer him support. Otherwise, I teach her to stay out of drama for drama’s sake. No need to be around vaping, you can walk away, you can stop being friends with that person.

Secondly, she stays busy. She sees good trusted friends outside of school. She has hobbies she loves that take up a lot of her time. So she’s busy and not sitting around ruminating, or importantly, not on her phone getting sucked into someone’s depressive episode. Again, she looks after her friends and supports them, but some of them seem to spend like 4 hours a night messaging about how depressed they are. It’s not helpful to get sucked into that. She’s out doing things she enjoys instead of being on her phone.

Beyond that, they really find their feet in Y8. All the ones who struggled last year have really bounced back this year. I think it helps not being the bottom of the pecking order. I would say if he’s anxious, I’d get on top of it now before it spirals. See if there is extra support they could refer him to.

I also find what DS tells me about goings-on at his secondary school quite shocking. Teachers seem to have no effective sanctions and some children appear to be feral. There are also stories of children with challenges of different sorts. However, I think that the majority of children are basically OK and doing their best to learn, and I am conscious that DS only reports the bad behaviour/stories to us.

We take the line with DS that he needs to concentrate on his own learning and behave well, regardless of what other pupils are doing.

Secondary school is different from primary, and children need to learn how to cope with it. It is training for going out in to the adult world in due course.

if your DS is very upset/stressed about I, I would definitely approach school. But I also think you need the help at home by giving him tools to focus and build resilience.

Unfortunately some kids have awful home lives and parents that don't care much... I'm a secondary school teacher and see so much sadness.

It would help to explain this to your DS and how lucky he is to have parents who care.

Social media and mobile phones cause most of this information spreading.

Get him to report the vaping and anything he hears to his form tutor and make sure he joins lots of clubs to make friends with some nice kids.

keep listening , offering them that safe space to share is invaluable even if it’s just that -can also role play what they can do / say in certain situations they may find themselves in , advocate for them when necessary, contact school if concerned

This highly depends on your child personality, but secondary school can be a scary place for some and the best lesson I think I’ve taught my DD is self confidence. She is a sensitive soul, and from primary school I could tell some things weighed on her, but I’ve had to teach her how to deal with people, by taking care of herself.

Don’t get sucked into drama. Stay with your friends, they are your support system but also know when you are being taken advantage of (that was a lesson we thankfully cracked by the end of yr 7).

Share stories from when you were at school and even work. How you dealt with scenarios when your in the midst of crazy behaviour, but know you have to keep your head down.

There is a fine balance between teaching them hardcore life skills, social skills whilst being their psychiatrist and leader - at this age. It’s a balancing act, but you are lucky she is opening up to you.

If you are very concerned speak to someone at the school.

Secondary school was a massive change for my daughter. She’s autistic so found the behaviour and chaos really difficult in s1 - she’s much more settled now in s2. Agree with some of the above - my daughter is super busy with dance almost every night, and a self defense class once a week. That has been brilliant for her to feel a bit safer and more in control (as it’s self defense it’s a lot about deescalating as opposed to violence). So how busy is your child and is there something they’d like to do?