AIBU for struggling to stay calm with kids amid eviction and abusive ex?

[Reallybadmother]

I hate myself. I'm dealing with everything alone and I can't stop shouting at my kids over very little. I'm on the edge all the time. Living with ex-bf (kids dad) but have ended the relationship because he's so nasty and abusive to me all the time. Pays nothing and does nothing (literally). was told last week we're being evicted. Now have to find a job ASAP after being a sahm since forever and I'm struggling. Struggling to afford rent cos of that prick paying fuck all. Feel like fucking screaming all the time. I try with my kids I really do. I'm nice and playful most the time. But when I get annoyed it's just 0 to 100 in a split second. I fear my eldest (4) daughter will remember this now. I'm such a shit mum and I really hate myself. I try and stay calm but I just lose sight of everything when I'm in that moment. They don't deserve this. How can I be better. I don't want my kids to end up hating me. I don't want to be an abusive nasty shouty mum anymore.

I have referred for therapy and waiting to be seen. I need help on how to stay calm now. It can't carry on like this. Please don't tell me how awful a mum I am because I already know. I just wanted help with staying calm. Help with how to survive the last few months living with cunt ex because that is the problem. But there is no other option. He brings out the worse in me and once we leave I hope things just get better.

Have you called women’s aid? You should not have to keep living with your abusive ex. See if they can get you out sooner.

So sorry to hear you’re having a terrible time. I think the first thing to do is go to Citizens Advice and avail of a free half hour with a local solicitor. Why these useless men think they can do what they want and treat their partners like shit is just beyond me.

Get out now
Eviction is 2 months right? So leave already without ex go to cab see what you entitled to

No I don't know what to say to them. I cannot move my kids into a refuge/hostel as I think my DD4 has additional needs and she just wouldn't be ok there if that makes sense

Being somewhere safe and supported will be better for her than being in the current situation though. Please get in touch with women’s aid or any local charities and see how they can help you.

The priority for now has to be getting you and the children to safety. The rest can be worked on when your safe.

Thank you for saying this. My parents moved to USA a year ago so have noone to turn to. No friends nothing because he cut me off from everyone. I will call citizens advice tomorrow to see what they say. My aim is to move out as soon as (without that waste of life) but I feel trapped because of being a sahm I have no payslips to pass private renting checks. Have spoke to local council they said ill be given temporary accommodation at first, which is at least something to fall back on. But dont want it to come to that as I think DD4 has additional needs and would kick off even worse in unsuitable housing. I really just hate these types of men I know it isnt all of them but why the hell do they take joy in making women miserable its embarrassing

Im trying to but with no payslips from being sahm noone will take me. Hes rinsed me dry of all funds not paying for anything. Can pay for his weed habit just fine though. Calling citizens advice tomorrow just feel so stuck

Thanks for saying that it put things into perspective a bit more. I think having him constantly on at me is stressing me out and making the shouting worse. I dread to think of being in a hostel or something but maybe you're right

It sounds like unfortunately no matter what you are going to be in a position of needing temporary accommodation. Having worked with families coming out of refuge situations the staff there are well trained to work with and support you and the children so it may be a better (and safer) option for now. They will help you find the best way forward.

is your 4 year old at school or nursery? If so talk to them and they will be able to help find support.

good luck!

Thats very reassuring to hear. I don't have any idea about what refuges etc are like as I have never had to use one and never known anyone use one either. I didn't know they provided support I thought it was just a room and that's it. I could do with support right now so maybe it would be good to do.

She is in nursery starting school in Sept. Will ask them but dont want them to involve social services and have them taken off me from the shouting. Maybe I deserve that. He certainly seems to think so. Worried all this before her starting school will just send her backwards. Feel like i've failed them both but especially her. Will call women's aid and citizens advice tomorrow just to see what my options are. Thank you

It sounds like you're angry because you feel you have no control in your life.

Here's where you take control and take positive steps. Not everything will be perfect (like a hostel or temporary accommodation) but you gave to think of them as being steps towards where you want to be. It's all very well and good being angry with your ex - and you're well within your rights to be - but you've allowed this to happen by being passive. This is where you stop being passive and fake action and control over your life.

I needed to hear this. You're so right. I have been so passive and allowed this to happen and continue which is why I'm so mad and hate myself. I hate myself for only trying to change it now that I've been forced to. I think I'm just having a hard time accepting we will be living in a refuge or similar. But you are right I have to accept it as being a step in the progression to a better life. Thats all I want. I just dont know how I'm going to cope with their emotional fallout over all of it when we do leave to go wherever.

You're not a terrible person, you're in a position of great stress and that's leaving your tolerance on a knife edge, which is why you're snapping and shouting. Not because you're fundamentally flawed.

What you do need to do though is accept that there isn't a magic solution about to be offered to you, and that you might have to take a step back in order to take two steps forward. I would prioritise getting yourself and the DC under a seperate roof to him, whatever form that takes.

You need to seek out and accept professional help, as mentioned above. Tell you GP what is going on. SS won't take your children because you've shouted at them. But you do need to make a change so this doesn't continue. Take control, action overcomes fear.

We all live and learn. Don't hate yourself - use your anger as motivation. Once even the first step is done, feel proud of yourself.

Thank you. I really am just carrying a heavy load and its so overwhelming. My kids are getting the blunt of it and I just hate that I'm putting them through that. I know there isn't a magic solution, I think I just have this feeling like I'm drowning because all of a sudden the situation has changed so drastically and I now have all these problems to deal with alone. While being abused day in day out. You are right though. I am trying to prioritise housing. I am contacting relevant services tomorrow to see what is available. I think I need to overcome that I just have to accept whatever for now. I'm just so scared. Scared of what new problems may arise and scared of myself tbqh. Action over comes fear is something I must internalise. I have always been so afraid. Time to be brave. Easier said than done. I know I need to do this for my kids and myself, our happiness. Sorry to go on my head is scrambled its been such a hard time the past few months. Thanks for the advice it means a lot from everyone.

Thank you you have been very kind and helpful. I needed that.

It sounds like you're going through a bloody awful time so please don't be so hard on yourself. As others have said, contact Women's Aid and get you and the children away from him asap - once you have taken control of that, you will be calmer and steadier. Your nervous system must be constantly in fight or flight at the moment and it's exhausting and impossible to think clearly 😔 Being in a refuge isn't terrible, it's safe and calm and you will be offered support to get you to where you want to be. You're not a terrible mum, you're a great mum who is doing your best in tremendously difficult circumstances. Sending you hugs 💐

You clearly are a wonderful mother as you keep saying what is best for your kids and you are genuinely concerned about the impact this is having on your children. You are far from a bad person. You are panicking which is natural and you are only panicking because you want the best for your children.

i know your said your parents emigrated but can you talk to them ? Can they help you financially in the short term? Can you apply for help from the state? Take one day at a time.