Regular poster in deep cover for this one! Just wondered what people's opinions were on something that I am mulling over. I will make the story as short as possible. If it looks too long to you, just scroll on! It's a family/Ancestry DNA dilemma.
I was brought up by my mother and stepfather, but they never told me he was my stepfather. I found out when I was 14 because we moved house and lots of documents were all over the place as we packed and unpacked boxes (and I was a nosy child). I never told my mother or stepfather that I knew as it seemed to me that they had gone to a lot of effort to hide this from me and I didn't want to upset them. (My stepfather is a good person who made considerable sacrifices for my lifestyle and education. My mother is one of those who cannot deal with conflict or unpleasantness of any type).
I saw the full name of my bio father on the documents (adoption papers from when I was aged 3), and that my mother had told the social workers at the time that the bio father had "left the country", so he was never contacted by them.
Anyway, when I had my own child, 17 years ago, I started thinking more about my bio father, and so I tracked down where he was. He had of course never "left the country", he was right there in the town where he had always lived. I took a long time thinking it over and I then wrote him a letter. I was mindful of the fact that he may never have known I existed, and I acknowledged that in the letter and apologised if it came as a shock. I told him that I was not looking for anything and explained that I had a good and happy upbringing, and am a financially secure, married senior professional and am not looking for money or anything like that. I ended the letter by saying that if he chose not to contact me I would respect that and would not bother him again.
He did not reply and so I just left it at that. I thought that either it was such a shock to him that I existed that he felt he could not acknowledge it, or I maybe had the wrong person.
Fast forward to a few years ago when Ancestry DNA testing became available. It was immediately obvious when I got my "matches" back that I had had the right person and family. I learned interesting things about my heritage, which were pretty unexpected and I really wanted to explore a bit. I decided that it would be justified to contact a cousin of my father (one of my matches) through Ancestry DNA, which I did.
The cousin, who lives in another country, was very nice, gave me lots of the family history etc, which was really fascinating. What I also found out was that my father HAD known about me and had been around for at least a short period at the beginning of my life. The cousin told me that my father's sisters had also known about me, So I presume their mother, my paternal grandmother, must have known too.
All this made me start to wonder whether I would be justified in contacting my father again, even after what I had said. I find that now I have some feelings of anger about his not having responded 17 years ago to my letter, and also of course to not having stayed in my life. I am also pretty sure he never contributed financially to my upbringing (I cannot be completely sure of course, but I very much doubt it. I grew up in another country and any communications with people back in the UK in the 1970s were through "trunk calls" or letters which were very obviously "from overseas" and I would have been aware of them. I was also, as I already said, very nosy, and I eavesdropped on many conversations between my parents that they would have been horrified to hear that I had heard. I never heard this man mentioned, or any talk of money coming from the UK etc, and I overheard many detailed conversations about the family finances as I was growing up).
So this is a man who made a 17-year old girl pregnant (well, he was only 18 himself) and basically just walked away with no responsibility, along with the rest of his family. And then ignored my letter decades later. And appears to be ignoring the fact that he still could contact me now. I know the cousin I contacted has spoken to my father's sister about me, and I assume she would have spoken to him to tell him that I had tracked down the family and been in contact.
(And his mother, my grandmother, appears to have been complicit in his walking away from me, which is also upsetting. I have a photo of her now and she looks so lovely, but she did that...).
So AIBU to contact him again even though I said 17 years ago that I wouldn't? What do I owe him in terms of his right to decide not to be in contact with me? Given he does not seem to have ever felt any responsibility to me in any way. He is in his eighties now and I in my sixties, if that makes any difference.
YABU you promised and so should leave the man alone
YANBU you are justified in contacting him now
(PS I am not here looking for opinions on my mother's decision not to tell me the truth about my paternity. That is a whole different story, and one which is also obviously complicated in its own right! Maybe I will post about that too one day)