To feel a bit conflicted by the teachers comment.

[Trialanderror23]

Hi
My Dc has battled some serious health conditions since they were born which more recently landed them in septic shock in ICU. During an email conversation with one of her teachers yesterday which I know was meant as a positive way towards DC they said “ that they were in awe of DC because they have taught children before with very severe illnesses like luekemia “ and why DC stands out compared to them is that they never use their illness as an excuse in school …. Not once.

so I know this is a positive email but I was bit taken back, we have had issues with DD not taking breaks, not asking for help etc but being exhausted in the evenings. Could we really say children with things like luekemia are using it as an excuse or you know actually tired 🫣

i appreciated the email but the working did take me back a bit.

Horrible attitude from teacher trying to say children with cancer are 'making excuses' by complaining about the quite probably horrendously traumatic and painful impact of their illness.I would have to set her straight on it personally, and let her know that you have actually told your DD that she can be honest about the impact of her illness and that this should be appreciated and validated within school.

I can see what you mean about the implications of the email but they were at least trying to praise your child, so maybe just focus on that positive.

I totally understand what you mean but i think it was a clumsy attempt to praise your child's bravery and resilience so I'd let it go and not push back on the wording

I would focus on what it says about your child and explain that your child will often be exhausted in the evenings because of not asking for a break, and see if you and the teacher can come up with an approach to mitigate that.

I don’t think the teacher thinks that children with leukaemia are ‘making excuses’, I think they mean that those children ask for breaks etc. You need to point out that your child not doing so is actually a bad thing, resulting in unnecessary tiredness.

You don’t know what the teacher is referring to by the other children using their illness as an excuse, it could be a valid comment. Just take it in good faith.

A possible reply could be ‘Thank you, I am extremely proud of how DC is coping, although I am concerned that a desire to not be held back by their illness is leading to exhaustion and burn out in the evenings. I would be grateful if you could help us manage this by scheduling breaks/checking in to see if they need help regularly’ sort of thing.

I'd not be particularly impressed with it but I'd ignore it as a well intentioned gesture to praise your son although very short sighted to others needs and potentially your sons future needs.

Ye I see it as a bit clumsy. I appreciate the email but was a bit confused by the wording

Some female teachers are definitely the try-hard overachieving Head girl types who have always worked their little socks off to be the perfect paragons of martyrdom and insufferable perfection. Anyone who doesn’t demonstrate the same level of of zealous conscientiousness and dedication to hard work is a disappointment.

This is where that comment comes from.

No acknowledgement that rest and recuperation is not a weakness. What a shame for that child with Leukaemia that their work ethic was not up to her exacting standards.

I’d ignore and take the compliment. But as someone who has lost a family member to leukaemia, she’d lose my respect.

I taught for 20ish years in secondary schools and definitely saw a whole range of responses to very serious health problems. There were definitely some who seemed to use their health as “an excuse” or at best an explanation. And others who never mentioned their health issues and just seemed to get on with it. We see the same variety in adults who are seriously unwell - I’m sure there was a journalist who wrote a book or article called something like ‘cowards get cancer too’ because they didn’t feel they fit the “brave fight” narrative. I think the teacher was clumsy in their wording but that there was no malice intended.

But thought you'd bring it to MN anyway to encourage a spot of teacher bashing?

Come on, OP.

Do you, or anyone, ever say the exact right words to absolutely everyone in absolutely all situations at all times? Are you not also a flawed human?

You weren't 'confused' by it. You understood what she meant and was trying to communicate. You understood the message but found it a bit clumsy. You acknowledge that she said something positive about your child and clearly appreciate it but still couldn't ignore the impulse to find fault?

And thought you'd share it here so that, what? So that people who might have found the comment upsetting but would never have known about it otherwise, could be upset by it?

Maybe the teacher wasn’t referring to breaks. There are plenty of things that she could mean, like children being unkind to others and expecting to get away with it, not doing a reasonable amount of work, not doing their share of tiding up. There are loads of things needs can be used as an excuse for.

@Trialanderror23 , it was meant in a positive way. It sounds as if your son is a determined and pleasant young person. The teacher was praising him.

I can think of two children who were using having been ill when very young as excuses for their behaviour when they were teenagers.
One has grown out of it. The other one hasn't.