Losing my mind with my 1yo!!! Just had to leave her to cry and losing my mind.

[Exhaustedmumof3dc]

I feel like I'm doing something wrong! She's my third baby and is 16 months. For the first year of her life she was SO happy. She's now just a miserable, clingy, angry baby. I just don't know what's wrong.

She wants me ALL the time. She's absolutely fine all day at nursery (3x week) no problem at drop off, loves her nursery worker. But everywhere else, she just wants me. If she goes to a grandparent (2x week) she cries and wants mummy. I literally don't get a seconds peace at home, she screams MUMMY constantly. She is ONLY happy being carried around by me. And she's big, she's been walking since 9 months! If I even put her down or cuddle one of her siblings, she gets so angry and screams her head off. She doesn't want her siblings or dad to hold her. Screams MUMMY in the car so I can barely think while trying to drive.

I'm so exhausted and stressed out with it. She was previously sleeping through the night and we were alternating bedtimes. Then she hit 1 and life changed. The last few months only I can put her to bed or she just screams like a banshee. I've tried co-sleeping to see if that was any better, she hates it and wants her cot. Took me an hour to get her to bed tonight, then my 4yo also wanted me (DH tried for ages to get her to sleep but she also wants mummy now because baby sister does!), so I didn't even sit down to eat my dinner until after 9pm. Went to sleep at 10. I work full time and I just get no free time, my life is work or being screamed at all day. I dread weekends because she just follows me round the house crying until I pick her up. She's a bit better if we go out in the pram so I find I'm exhausting my other kids by taking them out all weekend long just so I feel like I get some respite.

By midnight 1yo is awake again screaming mummy. Left her for a bit to see if she settled off, she didn't so I went in at 12.15, tried til 1.15 and she just will not sleep, I've had to just put her in her cot and leave her because I'm so stressed out. Husband has tried and she's throwing herself off him and screaming 'no no mummy!' I've had to just put her in her cot and let her cry. I feel awful but I am SO touched out I'm just at breaking point. I genuinely feel like getting in my car and driving off. I'm sat watching her on the monitor stood in her cot and she is screaming MUMMY non stop. I feel like my heart is breaking because I just don't like her at the minute 😭 I give her so many cuddles and so much love and she is just so grumpy.

Nursery suggested trying to ignore the behaviour as it's just wanting attention, but when I do this she hits her head against the floor or smacks my legs and screams.

Has anyone else had this level of clinginess? Does it get better? I am honestly at breaking point and feel like the worst mum in the world. She's my third and last baby and was so very wanted and I LOVED the first year with her, but something has completely changed and I feel broken.

Calpol for teething? Waking at midnight and not settling for 1+ hours is exactly what my DS did when he got a tooth. Molars were the worst, it made him incredibly clingy. Like you say, just made me angry as he was on me constantly.

Have you had her ears checked? When they start going to nursery and getting bugs back to back they can get ear infections that linger and cause pain long term.

I had this long time ago. Had to sleep on me. Clung to me like a limpet. Big hugs honey. Nothing on here will make it seem better. But it does get better.

Can you disappear with other 2 at the weekend. Check into Premier Inn get some sleep. Only for a night. Just breath. Youre a good mum. Time will make it better.

I'm wondering if something has spooked your DD3 - so has anything changed like moving house, new job, death in the family, new pet, new childcare?

Might be the teething or ear infections.

Though my DD1 went like that at a similar age & after a bit of detective work it all boiled down to the A-Z stickers on her wall as they looked funny at night with her little plug in nite light.
(I just had a light bulb moment when I worked out correctly what it was)
So I removed the wall stickers & no more screaming or Velcro toddler

Another thing I've thought of, is she cold? Might seem daft but if she's a hyper sensitive to temperature it might be that, as cold feet so needs socks at night.

Dear @Exhaustedmumof3dc, I am so sorry that you are having such an awful time with your DD at the moment. My only immediate thought is that I hope you are fast asleep right now (04.36am).

My second thought is, whether your own GP, and DD's GP, ate aware of the latest developments regarding your DD? I am hoping that you both have the same GP as each other, as that can really help with the overall picture for them, and could also affect the way any consequent guidance may be tailored for both you and DD.

I would expect them to consider your DD's recent relapse in behaviour as concerning, mainly because you, OP, do seem sadly to be too close to having an actual breakdown, which would, of course, not only be horrible for you, but also for all three of your DCren, and your husband, and maybe wider family as well. So, if for any reason your GP tries to say that her behaviour is totally normal, and will probably sort itself out in the following weeks, or months, please explain that you just can't go on for even a few more days, and certainly not for months, or even weeks.

Having said all of the above, I think that you might benefit a lot, if you can immediately - well probably tomorrow now, given the time of day it is at the moment - arrange to have at least one day and night, following into the late afternoon of the next day, away on your own, maybe staying at a Premier Inn, or even better, at a nice hotel with a swimming pool and gym attatched to it.

Of course, I don't know your personal circumstances, or your preferences, for having some good quality time on your own, but the hotel with a pool and a gym, along with a really good book to read, would be brilliant for me! Maybe you would prefer some time away, in say a cosy, old Inn, surrounded by stunning countryside, or even some time away in a boutique hotel in the middle of a city, one that has a lot of free, or inexpensive, cultural activities to enjoy?

If you could extend you stay away to at least 4 nights, that would give you time to have a nice, long, sleep, and maybe an indulgent, and lovely bath, with your favourite essential oils in it. Then, a day or two later, you could spend a couple of days spending your time doing exactly what you would love to do, if you didn't have you children following you around all day as if they were extra shadows!
Also, you having a little longer rest away from your exhausting daily life might be just what your baby needs as well?

Without you being in the house, your DH could show your youngest DD, every room in the house, to show her that you are not there, so if she calls for you, she will hopefully start to realise after a few circuits of your house with her DDaddy, that you are not there to answer her calls. I know that that sounds heartbreaking, but If your DH keeps on simply saying, with a very relaxed (acted?) voice and stance, that you have had to go away on a little work trip, but that you will be back on such and such a day, and that he is looking forward to doing all the things with her that she needs doing, including any that Mummy usually does.

Then if your DD begins to realise that she can manage without you, her DMummy, for a while, if she has her DDaddy, then - with everything crossed🤞- maybe she could start to turn a corner. I believe that he should also tell her (and your other DCren of course) that he loves her very much, and that, in fact, it is lovely for him to be having a few days off work in order to spend such a wonderful quality time with her (It doesn't matter if she doesn't understand any of the words, as his love, care, and pleasure should shine through the words), and that he is looking forward to them both having a fun few days!

I do really believe that you desperately need a break from your daily life, and I definitely think that it would be a bad idea for you to talk to your DD whilst you are away during that time, and hopefully Daddy won't mention you to her unless she says something about you first. If DD keeps on asking for you, he just needs to keep telling her that you will be back on whatever day it will be, and to remind her that her Mummy loves her so much too.

I understand that those few days you are away might be a nightmare for your DH, but he mustn't moan to you about it, he needs to really show what a great and considerate Dad and Husband he is! He also needs to learn as soon as possible that he is quite capable of being the main child carer for a few days, because if you got the flu, or say, had to be in hospital for a few days, you would all be relieved to know that your DH can manage perfectly well on his own for those few days. I can't decide whether it would be a good idea or not, for the other DCren to stay with their Grandparents for those few days, if they were willing to have them, as I can think of both positives and negatives in such a scenario?

I very much hope that you do ask any relevant authorities for advice, and any help that they can give. By the way, you come across as a very loving and caring DMummy to me, you certainly haven't failed at all! Good luck going forward OP.
😊🩷xxx8

She’s probs teething, spends most days away from you in childcare or with grandparents, of course she’s clingy. This too will pass, but ignoring it is not the answer. Lots of affection, cuddles, love etc is the way to reduce clinginess and make an independent child. You don’t need to take child care advice from unqualified nursery workers, they sound like they have zero idea about attachment. Poor love. Please don’t leave her to cry in her cot alone, it’s cruel and will only increase clinginess

Also, nursery is scarier for children so they will be on best behaviour. You’re her safe space

Not helpful really. When you’ve given everything you can and want to throw yourself under a bus being told to give more just feels mean.

You need a reset. Agree with other posts, take yourself out of the house for the weekend. Warn your DH that he will probably have a few horrible hours and promise him the next weekend on his own! He can plan some fun stuff with her and get his parents over. She’s only 1, she will eventually get tired and/ or give up!

It’s likely that this is just a phase but it’s not fair on you so I’d definitely be trying to address it.

When you get back I’d start again with some behaviour expectations. Ignore screaming and whining. Just don’t react at all. No carrying. If she’s clinging detach her calmly, put in playpen for 5 minutes. Explain, “it hurts mummy when you grab me and I have busy jobs to do, you need to stop this”. Obviously do have regular times when you sit and have a cuddle together too. A bit of cry it out, especially at night may be necessary. And if one weekend away doesn’t work keep doing it on alternate weekends because at least then you’ll be better placed to face the week.

Actually, walking away and leaving her safe in her cot when you’re at the end of your tether is exactly the advise a health visitor, social worker, midwife etc would give. It is safe. OP has done the right thing.

Don’t be so judgemental!

It kind of sounds like (a pretty strong version of) the separation anxiety phase? All 4 of my children had a phase of this. I just leaned into it and held them a whole lot and they all outgrew it, it won't be forever. I would maybe check with Doctor if she seems to be feeling unwell at all? Or teeth maybe?

I once put my children in the (safe) garden and locked the back door as I knew I had reached breaking point ... I was premenstrual and had nothing left to give. Sometimes it is wise to put a distance between you ... so do not feel bad about taking the decision to leave her on this occasion. She is safe.

Is she out of your care every weekday? It may be that she copes with this OK at the time but is quite simply missing you and needs more of you when you are there. If she is fine when out of your care it is less likely to be teething or ear infection.

Will she play with your other children? .... does this distract her at all?

Could you have a designated mummy time for half an hour when you get home (i presume you are at work) and she has your undivided attention? So hard I know when there are other children needing you too.

The only thing I can say is that this will pass.

Such stupid advice to give a child who is away from her parent 5 days a week LESS time with their mum to try to address separation anxiety. This mother is barely spending any time with their child as it is!

A weekend away from them will worsen clinginess not improve it. Very cold advice. ‘Behaviour expectations ’ for a 16 month old, give me strength…

Yanbu for finding this tough
but it’s normal - every time there is an ‘I can’t cope’ thread it’s a one year toddler. They get much calmer!
what helped me - eat dinner with them, long bedtimes are so much more stressful when you’re hungry. After get them to sleep shower and bed!
go in and out of the room at bedtime , she’ll object but start to see you’re coming back
leaving a calm song or loud white noise or audiobook on in the bedroom.
if possible drop a day or half day at work - toddler gets more time with you and the 5th day isn’t funded at nursey and is probably highly taxed so not worth doing (I found)

If you are not at work every day that she is at nursery/grandparents, could you drop one of these days and give her your undivided attention for a day a week?

She is clearly trying to tell you something and whatever that need is at this moment then trying to find a way of meeting it within your other responsibilities would make sense. I do understand that it can feel too much at times, but sometimes input now pays dividends later.

I hope you can find a way of weathering this temporary storm. Soon enough she will be a teenager who will not deign to give you the time of day!

Unfortunately, I agree with the posters who say taking yourself out of the equation for a period of time is the worst thing you can do. You’ll only increase clinginess.

It does sound like separation anxiety to me - which is a shame as you can hardly help needing to go to work.

I’m not an expert in how to help with it I’m afraid, but I think it might take the form of alot of reassurance and making sure she knows you’re there. So even when she can’t be held by you, can your husband hold her nearby, even if she keeps screaming? At least then she can see you.

I think with the older one, you can explain to her why this isn’t on if when mimics her younger sibling, and explain that you’re trying to stop the younger one doing it, not encourage it. Maybe some actual professional advice would help? I’d be warey of just following the nursery staff.

This does sound like separation anxiety. It's normal but gruelling. I would suggest focusing on your bond as much as you can while also giving yourself a break when you need it as you did last night. DH can absolutely comfort her but she is also saying she needs her mum. The more that you can lean into that the quicker the phase should pass.