How can I be better

[birdiyyyyiii1]

Feel like a complete failure of a mum atm. Ds 4yo dd2yo. Ds we are having chats about peds referral suspected on the spectrum, he is in SALT.

I am on the spectrum myself. Diagnosed with aspergers at 14 and a few months ago adhd. It's a lot. I get overwhelmed so easy and im trying to stop.

I constantly have in my head I want to be different than my family. And I wasn't abused or anything bad. I was loved , they are a bit lazyish I dont like saying that but its true. I was sat in front of a telly when babysat. I have to ask when my kids are watched not too much TV please. I won't delve too much into this but I'm just trying to be more present and do more as a mum than I felt as a child.

For example I've not stressed but been a bit worried that DS has always struggled with extracurricular. For example he is loving football atm. Wants to play loads and does and is learning skills. Says he wants to play in gardens and parks. Tried a class and did amazing joined in. But this week refused to go

I don't want him to be like me and have 0 hobbies. I feel bad saying that I feel like my mum dad never persisted with me as a child as they worked long hours sometimes dad was away etc so if I didn't show interested quick they'd stop it.

I just feel so constantly burnt out. DH just does whatever whenever. Doesn't do housework so that always is on my to do list. Feel like im constantly like. Little bit of play , then some housework task i need to do etc

How can I be the best mum ever? I wsnt my kids to grow up and be like mum did everything she could for us and want to actually see me and not avoid me

I feel like I cant split myself in 2 and manage so much but I'm trying. Just a bit overwhelmed and feel like i need to get on wjth jt

Husband steps up for a start. You should be a partnership, not have to do everything.

Yep currently feels very lonely. He works a lot and provides so I can be part time so I'm very grateful

Just hard as I feel he's very him centered and fills his cup until it's overflowing. Doesn't think about mine etc

2 and 4yo don't need extracurricular activities, they just need to play. That includes independent play and playing alongside other children without adult intervention (supervised of course at thar age) as well as some adult led activity. Go easy on yourself, a stressed and pushy mum isn't going to be the best mum. We will all make mistakes, having a solid relationship, being a safe place for them, having some fun with them is what's needed. It doesn't have to be really intense and on the go all the time.

Yeah i think im ruining my own experience as a mum by contsatntly setting expectations of what I need to be doing and constantly analysing if I'm failing

For example youngest goes to toddler dancing each week. Loves it takes part

Eldest 4yo isn't fully in an extra curricular club we struggle to get him to keep wanting to go. He's more shy and less confident

For shy and less confident children focus on puzzles, board games (as a family) and make believe play (like shops).

Read to them. a lot!

I think you're doing great OP. I also have the same diagnosis as you. I honestly think reading to my introverted and shy DC has given them an incredible start in life. The things they learn from books are amazing.

You can download the World of Books app and start getting some cheap non fiction DK books to spark curiosity. They can be very cheap on there especially multi buy deals! I was very low income so relied on charity shops for them 💐

Also if you can afford to The National Trust membership this was well worth it too. We live near beaches so it actually saved us money in the end as council car parks are £6 a day here! 😯

Thank you it's funny you say that since the age of 2 my eldest has been a puzzle whiz! And he is so so smart for his age he's currently obsessed with drawing shapes and asking about letters (what's in my name etc) nd both kids are book worms so good stuff

Yes we have national trust zoo and aquarium memberships we do go out loads

Its silly because hobbies don't have to be a scheduled club do they really and he may be interested in arts and crafts or taking up an instrument (when hes older) or a scouts club etc

I jusg felt bad that I couldn't get him to consistently go to a club

Feel a little better today. I was just so burnt out last night it'd been 4 days solo DH has been away so felt like everything was on top of me a bit

Mine hasn't been into clubs much at all. But once they start school there'll be clubs after school so don't worry too much.

Cubs / Beavers / Scouts are really good but there's a waiting list on some groups so maybe add your DC name now! Ours is £12 a month

Also martial arts can be good for quiet ones 💐

It sounds like you're already giving them great opportunities for their development and wellbeing. Keep having fun with them 🙂

A few brief comments:

1. Your parents were fine. Parking kids in front of the telly is what most parents did when you were a kid. There was little in the way of Instagram perfect, no parenting navel gazing or desire to be ‘present’, ‘perfect’, ‘wholesome’. People just got on with it.
2. Your oldest is 4 - and behaves like they’re 4. Having a wobbly because they don’t want to go to the activity you’ve just signed them up to for a term is normal, and no indication whatsoever that theyll never get a hobby - that’s catastrophising. Four year olds don’t need to develop hobbies.
3. No parent is, or should be, perfect. Kids need to be raised to be able to function in an imperfect world that does not centre them. Constant parental attention and praise is not helpful for them. Obviously don’t ignore constantly! But kids need to learn resilience and self-motivation.