I am so utterly broken with DS’s dad

[Sosaar]

Just as the title says really. I am so exhausted. He moved away for work when he was 6 months old (we’d broken up before then). He’s accused me of bizarre awful things over the years (ds now 5), he manipulates things, he’s passive aggressive, he sees ds for 5 ish hours on a Saturday and the same on a Sunday. Never had him overnight. Thinks he’s absolutely brilliant because he’s in a highly paid job. Spoils DS completely and so ds adores him but obviously has no idea what I’m coping with. I feel on my knees tonight. I am so sad.

Huge huge huge hug to you @Sosaar
In your shoes I would probably not be encouraging contact much given his behavior sounds abusive. Is there any financial support in place? Does your child benefit from / enjoy seeing him? It doesn’t sound healthy and I’d be worried about child seeking dads validation given he is a complete Disney dad whilst you are the constant; and the fact the other ‘parent’ treats you so poorly. Lots of love to you… you sound like a wonderful mother and a very strong person. Don’t let his shit (abusive) behavior dictate how you feel.. you have definitely done the right thing in keeping your child close and it’s a blessing he doesn’t see your child much as his judgement sounds very poor indeed. Better for your son to be away from that toxic behavior as much as possible. Maybe even completely. Wishing you lots of luck going forward and a big hug through the internet xx

Want to add - your son will see through his shitty behaviour as he grows up. He’s 5- he knows nothing else. He’ll realise what a crap dad he really is as time goes on. X

@babyproblems thank you so much for your post. I just can’t stop crying tonight. I feel like the last few years have been so horrendous and I’ve tried my best to carry on but it’s been so hard. I feel so stupid for even getting involved with him. He is in what one would think to be a very caring profession so on the face of it nobody would think he was so self involved. I just can’t stop crying

I can relate and YANBU.

I've got two boys, 5 & 6 with my ex partner, have another son with my current partner and a little girl on the way.

We had split before I got pregnant with either of my boys so it has been years but he is still very bitter and does whatever he can to make my life miserable, AND HE HAS TAKEN IT TO SOME EXTREMES!

I have also cried many times because it does get overwhelming.

Currently have a case open with the police for coercive control as it is finally time something was done!

Sending you virtual hugs and support.
Very painful, exhausting experience. Cry as much as you need to (obviously away from your son)and please look after yourself

Can you get your solicitor to write him a letter of warning to cease and desist with the passive aggression?
Also make sure you are getting the maximum child support you can get from him give he’s well off financially ?

How could you have split before you got pregnant with his two sons?

We had split but he always had a way of creeping back. And it was his way of having some control and not letting me move on with my life. I was stupid to let it happen but many women put up with things when they are in an abusive relationship.

@Sosaar try to keep contact to a minimum, if you can get anyone to help with handovers then that would help. I know its easier said than done when you share a child.

Thanks everyone. I honestly wish I had never met him. I feel so trapped as I wanted my son to have a healthy relationship with both parents. He is just so nasty and so arrogant. I don’t know why I’ve suddenly broken tonight. I’m usually so much stronger.

He sounds exactly like my ex and I honestly have felt so trapped.
I thought when I got with someone new he would leave me alone but that didn't stop him being horrible. Then when he got a girlfriend I thought that would be it, but if anything he has got worse.

Sometimes a toxic parent just causes more harm than good x

Does he have contact every weekend? 5hrs Sat and then again on Sun sounds disruptive for everyone. I would move to an alternate weekend pattern if you don't already. Either both days including an overnight or just the one day for the full day. You need less handovers and less disruption.

Do you have CMS in place?

I agree with this. Less handovers. Take to court to sort custody arrangements if you have to. You can say how he treats you.

Sorry op, I really empathise. My situation is not the same as yours - 2 dc age 11 and 8, split for 5 years, they do stay at their dads EOW and some holidays. But I wanted to comment to say you are not alone. It is relentless and exhausting. I have been off work sick with burnout for 3 weeks.

Their dad advertises himself as a “film composer” and my dc now think they can play a few songs and are going to make it big on YouTube. They come home to me after spending the weekend on screens, eating junk and are usually overtired from being allowed to stay up too late watching screens. My ds8 frequently says “daddy has no rules, we don’t have to do homework and we get unlimited screen time”.

I don’t get any maintenance atm due to him earning nothing (ironic given situation). If you do not have a proper agreement in place then my advice would be to get that sorted. Life is always less stressful when there’s a little bit of financial leeway.

Then I wouldn't have had my beautiful boys, and I dont ever regret them.

But that's really besides the point. Women and men shouldn't have to put up with abuse from their partners or ex partners.

Very true!

Don’t make the mistake of bending over backwards to facilitate their relationship to your detriment. You can set boundaries such as contact EOW or only one day each weekend and not in your home.

Why isn’t your ex having him overnight?