AIBU to address dad feeling swallowed by his partner’s family?

[Breadandblutter]

Have name changed for this as it’s possibly outing, but I need to run this through a focus group of human beings and not ChatGPT.

I’m a mid forties woman with two siblings a few years older/younger.

Fifteen years ago we lost our DM in a very brief and traumatic way, nobody saw it coming, the ending was harrowing, no calm goodbyes. Just awful. But still, we continue, like she taught us.

DF, within a couple of months of losing DM, had a new partner and pretty much moved her into the family home. Siblings and I were still v traumatised and raw at the time, but loved DF and had to accept the fact that he had ‘moved on’ (his words).

Our parents raised us to aim high, see the world. Further education, living abroad, professional qualifications etc but v much if that was what we wanted and they’d be cheering us on no matter what. Consequently, siblings and I are all in different places in the UK owing to professions and time spent working in cities. We all get on well and speak and see each other regularly.

DF moved to a new place with the partner a few miles away from the place we’d lived as a family years ago. His partner has a big extended family that all live within a five mile radius of each other, they phone each other several times a day, pop into each others houses most days, could probably tell you what the others were having for tea tonight as they’re all very enmeshed. I sound judgemental putting it like that but it’s just fact, they run their lives differently to the way our parents raised us. It isn’t our normal but it’s theirs and they’re all happy enough so each to their own.

The issue is they’ve completely swallowed DF. He’s allowed them to swallow him. He’s at every birthday. Every football match of the partner’s grandkids. Every single Christmas. We ask him every year, gently, quietly ‘would you consider spending Xmas with us’ and it’s a no because partner won’t budge and be away from her family so he feels torn and stays to keep the peace. They go on holiday with her family every year.

My siblings and I have tried to get DF and partner to talk about possibly coming on holiday with us one time, but every suggestion is shot down very quickly - for example we offered to holiday at a place two hours from DF’s house and include him and his partner, they said it was too far to drive and that they’re too nervous driving that far or in the dark. A month later pictures pop up of them holidaying in Devon, which they’ve driven over eight hours to get to. And of course they can holiday where they want with who they want but it’s always always never with any of us.

We visit DF at his home, used to be two or three times a year but we sensed that it was causing tension in his relationship so we now go maybe once a year. DF finds it very very difficult to be with all of his children together, at a funeral earlier this year - the only times apart from weddings where he sees us all together, he just seemed to be deeply deeply uncomfortable and sad. I think the sight of us all together, interacting with each other and using childhood nicknames etc kind of forces him to see the gulf that he’s created between his partner’s family and his own - and I think it makes him very unhappy. Very occasionally, in candid moments where he's with one of us 1-1 he will tell us about how hard he finds life and how unhappy he is.

I guess my AIBU is - should I try and explore this further to get my DF to a place where he feels more connected to us or should I just step back and let him live the life that he’s chosen and maintain this strange distant contact that is so alien to the relationship we had with him growing up. He’s in his seventies now. He is slowing down a bit. Im not sure change or progress is a realistic expectation any more, but I do feel a bit haunted by the sight of his sad face the last time he was with all of us, I don’t really care about my own comfort in all of this, I am very mindful of not adding further emotional pressure to DF as he probably isn’t equipped to deal with it.

But AIBU to try and do something, say something, to bring him into the fold a bit more that hopefully won’t make him feel like he has to compromise his relationship with his partner? I don’t feel like I can add more detail to the OP at this point really, without it being 60,000 words long.

Has anybody been through similar? I want his last years to be happy and will step forward or backwards to try and help him feel like that.

Well I am worried that you say he says be is unhappy. Do you think partner is controlling? Is she quite a bit younger?

i have a slightly similar situation with a close relative and i think his new wife is controlling him and also sucking him dry of all his cash.

Imo he has made his choice and has chosen her over his children. Sorry op, I would accept this and move on with my life.

Or, I would look back and explore the kind of life your mother had being married to him. Was there a reason she was very much a 'get on with it' kind of woman.

Did your dad have an affair with this woman whilst being married to your mum?

All the best x

She isn’t a bad person, she looks after him very well. She is controlling yes, for example she will give him the silent treatment if he says no to her. Her family are very enmeshed and set in their ways. She is benefitting from his money also, yes. But I can’t do anything about their relationship, it isn’t mine to fix.

DM was brilliant. Not perfect, but brilliant. Fought against a very difficult impoverished childhood to bring up a close family of her own, and quietly cheered us from the sidelines in everything we did. DF went along with that. I don’t think he does much independent thinking to be honest. He wasn’t as bright as DM but he came from a family that had meat to eat for dinner and quilts on their beds instead of coats. He had his career handed to him. There’s no fighter spirit there, just always the path of least resistance.

But I hear you, I think he’s too far gone now and it’s probably my job to come to terms with that.

Im so sorry OP. I feel absolutely heartbroken after reading this, what a sad situation for all of you.

I cant help but feel distant resentment for you dad moving on so quickly and starting a new family and basically forgetting about all of you. I understand people grieve in a variety of ways, so im trying not to judge him for rebounding so quickly. I just feel really sorry for you and your siblings as it feels like you've all been pushed aside to make way for his new family. I suspect from their treatment of you and your siblings that they basically want your dad to themselves, and you lot out of the picture. I do not think you should let that happen.

you say you don't care about your own feelings/comfort etc but you should. Because after he has passed you will no doubt be longing for that lost time he spent with them instead of you, as you seem to be now (completely reasonable and understandable, he is your dad).

I dont really have any real words of advice and im sorry. People do what they want to do and that seems to be what he has done. Perhaps he has regrets now that he allowed his new family to hurry you all off so quickly. That being said, he is a grown man, he could of and can tell them firmly that he wants to spend time with his children and has every right to do so. If his family/wife go moody or nasty or whatever about this, that is control and abuse. Flat out. He shouldn't even need to explain to them that his DC need him and miss him following his wife passing away, in a traumatic way especially. He shouldn't need to make excuses or provide reasons to see his own kids. He should not refuse to see his own kids to "keep the peace". Equally, visiting your dad 3 times a year is a very small amount of time to see him and them taking issue with that says it all.

I understand you dont want to say any of this to him out of fear of upsetting him, but if I was in your position I would say it. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what if.

That being said, you implied in the post that he may not want to see you. I think that he definitely does given that hes sad that his 2 sets of kids cant get along etc. I think it would absolutely be worth having a quiet chat with him, if you can, about how you are feeling. Remind him that he is your dad and should care about you and your feelings. Remind him that theres only so much time left to have a relationship.

Im sorry I havent been too helpful, I just want you to know that you shouldn't have to step back, and you shouldn't feel bad about anything because you have done nothing wrong. I really sympathise with you and your siblings as this situation sounds so deeply upsetting. I hope you figure it out 💐

Reading the account I honestly thought he was going to be older than "in his seventies". I think you need to leave him to it. He presumably knows where you all are if he wants to get in touch more.

My DF is remarried and my DSM has a big family that they see a fair bit of, but DB and I and our DC come first with DF after DSM, we know that. I would be very upset if my DF had behaved like yours, and I’m not sure I would have been at all gentle in my dealings with him.

All you can do is let him know he can contact you/ see you. If he continues to do everything with her family I’m not sure what you can do to be honest.

Your dad is doing what brings him joy after a difficult loss, and who can blame him? It's really sad honestly that he seems to have chosen his partner's family over his own in many ways, but if that's what he needs to do during this period of his life that's his choice to make. And the consequences will be what they will be.

You can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do, and your dad is doing what he wants to do. That's okay. It will no doubt be hurtful for you, which you can deal with in your own way. In your shoes I'd prob try keep a distant connection so that if it all goes wrong with his partner you still have a relationship to build on. But reduce my expectations of anything more.

When you say you wouldn’t be gentle in your dealings with him what exactly do you mean though? I have honestly no idea what to say to him now.

Can you take him out for lunch? A walk? Something low key so it's just you two? Will he open up a bit so you think?

Maybe you might happen to bump into your siblings whilst out?

I don’t blame him, and I do understand why he moved on with new partner so quickly. I have had enough therapy to know that I can’t change people, just my reactions to them but I think, deep down, DF is very unhappy. I want to bring him a bit of joy.

This sounds really upsetting. I think all you can do is think about what you want within the bounds of what is possible and try to achieve that. So if you want to see him more, go and visit more. Go with your siblings if they feel the same. Even if this causes some upset with his partner, wait until somebody actually complains and then at least you can broach the subject, because it is not reasonable for someone to complain about their husband seeing his children. Of course, you may discover he doesn't want to see you which would hurt but at least be clear.

If you actually have reached the point where you are not bothered (apart from feeling guilty which doesn't count), don't do anything apart from let your dad know you're there if he needs you. You didn't cause this and you can't stop it either.

We all live hundreds of miles from each other

So, your dad and his new partner live very close to her family but hundreds of miles from your family and you are sad that they see more of her family?

Start a family WhatsApp group just your siblings and him, send him emails, write him letters, call or text him every day. There's not much you can do to fix the physical proximity but you can engage with him more about your day to day lives and he may engage more with you.

As a domestic abuse victim, I would say that my ex had many redeeming features and was often very kind to me, always bought me lovely birthday presents but be also abused me. In fact, the silent treatment was one of his favourite forms of control. It is this mixture of decentness and control which can make domestic abuse bard to spot. At the weekends, I used to Hoover the downstairs. I would ask him and the DCs to put away their stuff. He would pretend I hadn’t said anything and after a while would go upstairs. At that point I would say “now you’re on your feet, please pick up your stuff off the floor” (there was always A LOT) but he didn’t react. It was like I didn’t exist. If I ever complained to him about anything, he ignored me and carried on doing whatever he was doing. Sometimes he would even make phone calls while I was trying to speak to him.

OP, you sound so kind.
Kinder than me.
Your father is a weak selfish man that chose himself ahead of his children when they were suffering so much.
So like my best friends father.
He chose a woman and handed full control to her. She drove them all away.
I think you should leave him to his selfish choices.
You are clearly like your mother.
Stay close to your siblings as your mum would love.
He undoubtedly let your mother down badly.
My friends wonderful, hardworking mother must have turned in her grave at how quickly her husband moved on after 20 years of marriage.
Weak selfish men.
Focus on yourself and your siblings.

You sound like the loveliest of lovely daughters.
Your dps did a fabulous job raising you.
I think I would keep trying to connect with him. He definately sounds like a path of least resistance man.
Keep gently trying op, I bet he wishes things were different also.
X

I think unfortunately your DF as made his choice.
The situation with my FIL is not dissimilar and after years of being sidelined my DH finally made the decision to go no contact.

He couldn't face rejection after rejection and the manipulation at play. Similarly at times FIL would acknowledge the dynamic but again did what his wife wants 'to keep the peace'.

DH had enough and hasn't spoken to him for 6 years.
Id say on balance DH is happier as the relationship he now has (or lack of) is on his terms.

It's very sad and I'm sorry for your situation. The anger/resentment/fury burns deep.
Take time to process this as ultimately you can only control your behaviour and how you let things affect you.

Op, not a bereavement but when my ExH and I got divorced he found a girlfriend within two months.

he actually introduced her to our son before the divorce paperwork had even been done (at his graduation dinner no less)

I think he just could not bear to live alone.

our children (uni age or above) - he reassured them that he would always have time for them and he wasn’t making a new family,

surprise surprise they now have two small children and whenever he is invited to stay with one of our kids or visit them he is too busy.

i think some people just don’t cope well alone.

he’d like to have better relationships with our kids but his need for constant companionship works against it.

i don’t think there is much you can do. Our kids have largely given up.

Unfortunately my own adult DC face a similar situation. Their father married a woman from a culture where she was not able to attend school and extended family are incredibly enmeshed with each other. My DC find her incredibly difficult to communicate with but they really do try.

My DC see their dad once maybe twice a year maximum, and always with his wife in tow. They see/hear about all the things he does with her (not his) adult children and her grandchildren, whilst accepting that he has little interest in their lives.

They refer to their dad as “Firstname Wife’s maiden name” so Bill Smith rather than Bill Wilson. And their house is The Smiths.

I suspect he is sad about it as your dad is, but not sad enough to actually take any action or accept responsibility. Some men are pitifully weak and pathetic.

How difficult for you. And how sad. It feels a bit like he moved on quickly after your mum died and has ended up in particular circumstances maybe swept along rather than steering.

2 things stood out for me. One-you know (and I can well understand why therapy may have helped) that he can change his behaviour and you cannot. The second is-you do not think he is happy.

I guess my thought is, and he may not be the type to have the conversation, but someone needs to try and talk to him and capitalise on those rare moments of candour. I agree with someone upthread who said, in effect, we more often regret the things we don’t do or say, and once he is gone, you don’t want to be wondering what might have been said or done. In some ways, you have lost him (or maybe it is he that is lost) so what is the risk? It doesn’t have to be a confrontation though I do entirely understand the conversation is likely to be really hard. I’m sorry OP, it sounds like a lot to bear.

I already do all of the above, I try not to bombard him though

A WhatsApp group sounds like a good idea, so you can keep in contact. Even little messages or sharing jokes/ pictures helps keep that relationship alive.

What would happened if you sent him a text saying

"Dad, I really miss you and how close we used to be. I know I live far away which doesn't make it easy but can we have a weekly call? Would Monday evenings suit?"

If he doesn't response then there's nothing you can do.

I might be cycnical but it looks like a case of recently breaved, panic bought new wife/company due to loss of wife & child not living closeby.

I would have pointed out that he’s essentially deserted his own children. ‘Dad, do you realise you haven’t seen any of us since X? Why won’t you spend time with your own family?’

If he replies that he needs to be with his partner I would have said ‘ But why can’t you make time to see us on Boxing Day?’

Escalating to:
Our mother has died. Does it mean nothing to you at all that we only have one parent left and he appears to not care about us at all?’