Silent treatment at work ?!?

[BishopBriggs]

Posting here for traffic, but am actually starting to wonder if it's just me?

I feel like I'm in some kind of weird, toxic relationship with my boss! Not literally, but I'm at the point of being really uncomfortable now with the way he is with me.

One minute, he will talk pretty smutty towards me (we work in a male-dominated workplace, so this can be the norm), but then the next, he will be giving me the silent treatment and very blatantly too :(

I'm only posting now, as I feel like no-one is listening to me (my DP works in same place, same office but I feel he thinks I'm over-exaggerating, but he is pretty laid back about everything, whereas I'm the opposite!)

At Xmas, said boss brought into the office a bottle of champagne for all staff from one of our contractors, however I wasn't given mine, but later found it under bosses desk, with the tag torn off (I know this was probably mine as all the females got the pink ones!) Again, may sound pretty superficial but it was just the whole act that seemed really strange.

He will poke and poke at me, constantly asking to 'have a word' with me, and taking me in to talk about a small mistake I may've made.

Today has been the icing on the cake really, as it basically all feels like my ex-marriage did, the whole silent treatment and making me feel I had done something wrong for no reason :(

Has anybody else experienced similar in the workplace and if so, how can I go about figuring out WTF is going on?! 🤔😒

It's sexual harassment. He's (consciously or otherwise) trying to breaķ you down so that you eventually please him by flirting , or behaving in a way he liķes.

It's manipulative, tiresome but above all it's illegal.

He also knows that with your DH working there, you're less likely to say anything.

When you say no one is listening to you who have you discussed this with other than your DP? Have you approached HR about what is going on.

You are clearly being bullied and are being subjected to sexual harassment.

I think the fact your DP isn't being supportive of you says a lot about his attitude to women and is another issue in itself.

This is bad. Does the company have an HR dept?

Firstly, thank you for your reply and for reassuring me I'm not just imagining there is something 😔
Tomorrow may be another day where I come in and he's nice as pie with me, and usually this helps me relax a little (we sit facing one another), but it's at the point where he has gotten me a bag of nerves 😖

Tbh my DP is literally the most amazing man, but he is in a sticky position - not on same team as me and my boss, but what can he do/say?! He's the least confrontational man, and I wouldn't want to put him in a position whereby he's stuck in the middle of it and risks his own position 😣

Yes, massive company, but do I really want to go down that road and risk being the 'complainer'? 😒Plus I've only been here 3 years, my boss has been here a very long time 😔 I just wish I could deal with things without having to raise things officially; I think I'm just seeking validation as yes, I can't help but feel my DP is dismissing my feelings a little and that I'm being overly-sensitive or maybe just 'looking for trouble' 😥

Well at the very least he shouldn't be dismissing your feelings.
And he should be advising you to go to HR.
In what way would you taking a legitimate issue to HR compromise his position in the organisation?

What a pile of bollocks.

The 'most amazing man' dismisses his partner's sexual harassment as overexaggerating?

You need to raise your standards and fast.

He doesn't need to risk his position or confront anyone.

He just needs to believe you.

Can you try and move departments? Or get another job?
I would start to write down everything he has done which is a fact. E.g. he didn’t give me the champagne sent to me by the contractor. Once you have enough evidence go to HR.

These are all issues for HR to deal with.

Would it be classed as sexual harassment though?
He knows I suffer terribly with Anxiety, and he, from everyone should be the most understanding (he had a breakdown 3 years ago, just before I started with the company and gets extremely stressed still now, he ticks pretty much throughout the day).
So, he will play on my worries, if that makes sense, if he sees I'm particularly anxious, he may send me a meeting invite for a 'catch up' to talk about a job I may have missed etc. This happened the other week, I asked him what this chat was to be about and whether I was 'getting the sack' (we're a pretty informal team who can be pretty open, especially me, as I'm known to worry massively about anything!) but his reply was just again, 'we need a chat' :(

I know how these things tend to work when HR get involved, in the end, you raise a grievance towards a long-standing employee and it comes back to bite you in the ar*e one way or another 😓

You probably can't win in this situation. I know people are saying go to HR but in my experience HR don't always do the right thing and are nervous about rocking the boat. Your best bet is to look for another job.

I think I remember your post about champaign... I think its awful that you are still having to deal with all this crap on a daily basis.

Firstly even if you don't currently want to go to HR.. you should start keeping a record of all of these smutty comments and subsequent sulking behaviours.

You may find as you write it up that it really adds up and creates a clearer picture.

When you've gathered your facts, talk to someone like ACAS about this. Then consider going to HR.

And I also think you should see if there are any similar jobs going in other departments if it is a large company.. and whether you can move desks so you don't have to sit right in front of this creep.

Also polish up your CV and start looking. Get help with this if your confidence has been eroded, you don't deserve to be treated like this and your DH needs to believe you at the bare minimum.

I would be reluctant to go to HR for all the reasons pp have already said. When he's in a 'good' mood, can you confront him about the way he blows hot and cold with you?

Record everything. The smut, the silent treatment, treating you different from others. If you ever need to you will have the evidence of his “poor management” (it’s obviously much more than just poor management).

And join a union

Your partner needs to stand up for you, this needs to be a serious conversation.

I think I’m going to do what some of you guys have suggested - take a note of everything. But, how does this work, because would it not just be a ‘he said, she said’ kind of thing? So basically, everything I note down, how would it be taken seriously if no evidence? He is also off a lot with one of the younger, male Supervisor’s in the office, which I think is a bit of jealousy tbh

It gives you more evidence if you need to use it. I’ve seen people go into HR meetings with folders full of records like this and get much better outcomes. Hopefully you’ll never need to use it but better to be prepared. There is power in having details recorded contemporaneously which can help in “he said, she said” scenarios.

Life is too short for this crap.
The alternative to spending months and months fighting with HR, fighting the company, and fighting in a tribunal for a settlement, only to have to leave anyway, is to just leave ASAP.
So leave.
Don't look on it as a defeat, because this way it is you taking control, taking your power back, and making your own choices about where you work and what conditions you will tolerate.

Let them have the headache of having to recruit to replace you (as if any other employee could ever live up to your fabulousness 😀)

It's not 'he said, she said' it's definitely Sexual harassment and you need to be strong and complain to hr. The way you're being made to feel isn't normal. It's hard to speak up for yourself especially in a male dominant office but you have to as this will only get worse.

Just get a diary - paper or an app - and detail incidents like this:

What happened - if you can include direct quotes as well if you can, especially the smut. Include incidences of the silent treatment, withholding gifts, playing on your anxiety.

How it made you feel and why

Any counter actions you took - speaking to him, speaking to someone else. Note if someone else said something either to you or him about the situation.

Any outcomes/resolutions and their impact.

Make sure you record the date and time it happened and whether there were any witnesses that could be called on if required. Building up a profile and pattern of behaviours will be helpful.