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AIBU?

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Original poster

What would you do?

26 replies

RaginaPhalange · 23/03/2026 11:02

Looking for some advice regarding family more so DB.

Background information. DB cut DM out of his life 10 years ago as she committed adultery. DB bought the house DM and DF lived in and both DF and DB lived there.

DB met a girl and after some time she moved in with DB and DF. They then had a child and got married. Fast forward to the past year DF had an accident as was hospitalised for about 4 months. DSIL then announced that she and DB were getting a divorce and she moved out with DN. DB sold the house without having living arrangements so ended up moving in with DF at assisted living. After a few long months DB finally got a place but is a good 45 mins away. He then began to drag his heals about moving out of where DF lives and it was affecting DF mental health and wanted his space back. Then DF and DB had an argument about him not moving out and they haven't seen or spoken to each other since.

Now SIL has told me she is concerned about DB mental health and wellbeing, I've reached out to DB numerous times and have been left on read.

I'm not sure how to help DB if he won't respond. He has also told her lies that we refused to help him move into new place and has told her we shut him out when we visited DF when he was living there and wont be making effort to talk to us as a result, which is untrue also as we would have more of a conversation with him than DF as he would sit in silence. DB would also message me most days about random stuff and advice.

So what the hell do I do?

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 23/03/2026 11:17

Why do you need to do anything?

Original poster
RaginaPhalange · 23/03/2026 11:18

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 23/03/2026 11:17

Why do you need to do anything?

Because SIL has told me she's worried about DB's mental health and he's shutting everyone out?

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 23/03/2026 11:19

Stay out of it?

Swiftie1878 · 23/03/2026 11:20

RaginaPhalange · 23/03/2026 11:18

Because SIL has told me she's worried about DB's mental health and he's shutting everyone out?

Show quote history

You can’t help an adult who doesn’t want to be helped.
Perhaps send one more message just saying you hope he’s OK and not having a hard time, and you’re there for him if he needs you.
Then leave him alone.

Bristolandlazy · 23/03/2026 11:21

That's not really much you can do that I can see. You've reached out and he's not responded. He's in the place that he's at and it's down to him, you can only do so much.

Original poster
RaginaPhalange · 23/03/2026 11:23

She has asked me to go visit him but I don't think I should. If he won't message back surely he doesn't want to see me either. I also agree that you can't help someone who won't accept help.

OP posts:
iamfedupwiththis · 23/03/2026 11:26

Stay out of it, not your circus, not your monkeys.

Your brother is an adult, he can chose who he wants to engage with.

If you're that bothered, can you not go round?

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 23/03/2026 11:55

You could go round to his place to try to catch him and talk to him. Your messages are letting him know you are there for him. After that, your ex SIL needs to stop putting this on you.

SoSoLong · 23/03/2026 11:59

Call him or go and see him.

redskyAtNigh · 23/03/2026 12:06

So by "reaching out" to him, you just mean you sent him messages?

I'd try ringing or visiting him if you really want to talk to him.

BeautifulSongsofLove · 23/03/2026 12:07

You sound like a great sister and it's reasonable to be concerned about your brother's mental health & wellbeing. Would SIL be happy to contact your brother's GP to share her concerns about your DB?

There's also good advice here
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/seeking-help-for-a-mental-health-problem/helping-someone-else-seek-help/

ForeverPombear · 23/03/2026 12:08

I understand how hard it is to deal with when you're trying to help an adult who doesn't want help. All you can do is send him a message, let him know that you're there for him if he needs it and other than that there's not really much else you can do.

NuffSaidSam · 23/03/2026 12:11

I would go and visit him as a first step.

Then see what you think re. his mental health. If he's in a seriously bad way you may need to seek medical advice for him.

Coatsoff42 · 23/03/2026 12:16

Sounds like his life is blowing up at the moment, so I would imagine he’s not very happy.

Decide if you want to get involved with his problems, it sounds like he’s been a bit of an arse to you too, he’s an adult who can live his own life and you aren’t his parent so it’s up to you.

If you do you want to, you could go and see him, I probably would, just to see if he is ok and make sure he knows he can contact you if he ever needs to. Then I would leave the ball in his court. Maybe ring him and hear his voice. The problem with messages is you can’t read anything off them, no body language, you don’t know where the person is, if they are ill, at least a phone call or a visit would tell you if he is in one piece or if he is out of his mind.

Original poster
RaginaPhalange · 23/03/2026 12:19

redskyAtNigh · 23/03/2026 12:06

So by "reaching out" to him, you just mean you sent him messages?

I'd try ringing or visiting him if you really want to talk to him.

Yes I've sent him messages. I don't drive and he lives at least an hours drive so probably close to 2 hours via public transport.

OP posts:
Original poster
RaginaPhalange · 23/03/2026 12:21

Tried calling him no answer

OP posts:
Catcatcatcatcat · 23/03/2026 12:26

Nothing. There’s nothing you can do

Coatsoff42 · 23/03/2026 12:31

Ring him a couple more times over the next few days, maybe he’s busy with work and can’t pick up.
then message him you’re worried, but you can’t pop round to see him, you don’t even know if he’s at home (!) and he can call you if he wants to.
Then leave it.
If he’s a good brother he’ll message you back to put your mind at rest.

Ninerainbows · 23/03/2026 12:34

Coatsoff42 · 23/03/2026 12:31

Ring him a couple more times over the next few days, maybe he’s busy with work and can’t pick up.
then message him you’re worried, but you can’t pop round to see him, you don’t even know if he’s at home (!) and he can call you if he wants to.
Then leave it.
If he’s a good brother he’ll message you back to put your mind at rest.

Agree. If he isn't answering several calls then I wouldn't do a 4 hour round trip. If you/your SIL gets really concerned after a good few days, get a welfare check done.

BillieWiper · 23/03/2026 12:42

But what can you do personally to alleviate his poor MH? He won't even talk to you.

He shouldn't be living in an assisted living place with his dad..surely that breaks the rules? Dad could get evicted.

But you could basically go to the police about it if he won't leave the elderly home place? It could be classed as cuckooing. Not that this would help the guy's MH especially.

But you can't help him if he doesn't want help. Lots of people who do want help get bugger all off the NHS so someone unwilling is simply not going to get anything unfortunately. Unless he's a danger to himself or others.

But that's not your fault and you should distance yourself from the whole situation.

BauhausOfEliott · 23/03/2026 12:48

BillieWiper · 23/03/2026 12:42

But what can you do personally to alleviate his poor MH? He won't even talk to you.

He shouldn't be living in an assisted living place with his dad..surely that breaks the rules? Dad could get evicted.

But you could basically go to the police about it if he won't leave the elderly home place? It could be classed as cuckooing. Not that this would help the guy's MH especially.

But you can't help him if he doesn't want help. Lots of people who do want help get bugger all off the NHS so someone unwilling is simply not going to get anything unfortunately. Unless he's a danger to himself or others.

But that's not your fault and you should distance yourself from the whole situation.

He shouldn't be living in an assisted living place with his dad..surely that breaks the rules? Dad could get evicted.
But you could basically go to the police about it if he won't leave the elderly home place? It could be classed as cuckooing. Not that this would help the guy's MH especially.

He's not living with the DF any more. The OP's post says he's moved out now, but it took him ages to leave and he and the DF haven't seen or spoken to each other since then due to rows about that.

WhatAPavalova · 23/03/2026 12:49

Well he’s not asking you for help. He’s falling out with everyone.

He’s told you (via your SIL 3rd party) that he deliberately is not responding to you due to him feeling he was ignored on visits. So you might disagree but this is his decision.

You can visit him, risk a row, but leave it with him that he can still contact you.

What type of work does he do? Does have have any close friend or colleague who could check in on him?

BillieWiper · 23/03/2026 12:50

BauhausOfEliott · 23/03/2026 12:48

He shouldn't be living in an assisted living place with his dad..surely that breaks the rules? Dad could get evicted.
But you could basically go to the police about it if he won't leave the elderly home place? It could be classed as cuckooing. Not that this would help the guy's MH especially.

He's not living with the DF any more. The OP's post says he's moved out now, but it took him ages to leave and he and the DF haven't seen or spoken to each other since then due to rows about that.

Show quote history

Ok sorry. I wasn't sure if he was still trying to stay there.

Original poster
RaginaPhalange · 23/03/2026 13:04

WhatAPavalova · 23/03/2026 12:49

Well he’s not asking you for help. He’s falling out with everyone.

He’s told you (via your SIL 3rd party) that he deliberately is not responding to you due to him feeling he was ignored on visits. So you might disagree but this is his decision.

You can visit him, risk a row, but leave it with him that he can still contact you.

What type of work does he do? Does have have any close friend or colleague who could check in on him?

He's apparently doing delivery work however he has a track record of lying where he works and when he's at work, one of reasons his marriage fell apart.

This might sound horrible but I feel everything that is happening and everything that has happened in his personal life is down to him. He's very good at making you feel sorry for him when he's the one that's in the wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
RaginaPhalange · 23/03/2026 13:06

RaginaPhalange · 23/03/2026 13:04

He's apparently doing delivery work however he has a track record of lying where he works and when he's at work, one of reasons his marriage fell apart.

This might sound horrible but I feel everything that is happening and everything that has happened in his personal life is down to him. He's very good at making you feel sorry for him when he's the one that's in the wrong.

Show quote history

Honestly he has no one he's pushing everyone away. He's never had friends even when we were young.

OP posts: