AIBU to think friendships are now ‘good vibes only’?

[DramaticEmma]

When did it change from “a problem shared is a problem halved” to “good vibes only” in friendship groups?

Or is that just my working-class upbringing showing, where wearing my heart on my sleeve was acceptable? I’ve been having a bit of a rough time lately and found myself pulling back from people, mostly because I don’t want to be that person who brings the mood down or ends up “airing dirty laundry” just for being open about my feelings and struggles right now.

I’ve done CBT, so I can reframe things, but sometimes it feels like I’m just using that to excuse other peoples poor behaviour.

So yeah… is this actually a wider shift, or have I just married into a different world with different unspoken rules? (I’m now living hundreds of miles away from my hometown and old friendship group).

Sorry you’re going through a tough time.

Is it more that these are newer friends and maybe you don’t have that connection/history with them (yet) where they feel comfortable if you’re sharing ‘less happy stuff’?

Thank you.
I’ve been part of the group for over 15 years, and the others have been friends since school.

I think it just changes as you get older, people have families, eldery parents etc and have their own problems to deal with without taking on everyone elses too.

I don't recognise that at all. And in fact as we've got older we have supported each other through all sorts, heath stuff, bereavements, young adults kids flying the nest. We still balance it with having fun but yeah, definitely share our problems. I don't think it's a wider shift ..

I think it’s who you surround yourself with. I’m very middle class, so I think this has nothing to do with class.

I have very old friends, people I’ve known for 30-40 years, who I could say anything to. Similarly, I’ve met a group of friends through having a chronic illness who are wonderful and I can say anything to them and they are incredibly supportive. Similar with my in laws (but not my own biological family). School mum friends? No, they seem to be only really interested in gossip and getting wasted, so they get a big swerve and I only make polite conversation with them if I absolutely can’t get away fast enough.

I think it depends on situation and circumstances. On a night out after a few drinks in a group isn't the time for a breakdown of you medical worries. A one to one house call or cafe trip is appropriate. Also when something has been discussed in detail once I think its not really appropriate to bring it up again unless your friend asks (which they should do). Dominating the chat with the same monologue is different from discussing and getting support. I wouldn't change the way you are because of fear of upsetting friends unless you feel they are withdrawing, then enquire why if you can.

Gosh I'd say it's the total opposite in this day and age.

Everyone is encouraged to talk about everything all the time both in person and online.

Therapy has never been more popular than it is now.

But I guess if someone has more than a couple of friends who want to discuss their problems a lot, it can get a bit too much for some people.

You have to draw a line sometimes for your own mental wellbeing.

Im sorry you dont feel supported in your friendship group. I have a lovely group of friends and we bring all sorts of crazy vibes, divorces, unhinged in-laws, reoccurring UTI’s 😂 you name it, my group of friends are the first I run to un-ashamedly, un-judged and always supported

Thank you for sharing your experiences, it’s reassuring to know this isn’t a broader shift, just something I’m experiencing personally.

So true, that’s a great perspective WeepingAngelInTheTardis. I’ll keep wearing the mask and politely assuring everyone that all is well.

There are, of course, bigger issues in the world right now and everyone has their own battles. I suppose difficult times pass, even when they go unspoken.

onwards and upwards!

I think its a balancing act. I also think it depends a lot on the length and depth of the friendship.

Long-standing, deep friendships can cope with difficulty but as you get older and people get busier I think people have less time and bandwidth for solving other people's issues.

I feel like I spend my entire life fire-fighting things and doing favours for other people (my employers, my DD, my DP). Of course if my friends are in trouble I want to help them and will do what I can. But I'm not going to burden myself further on behalf of people I don't know very well and don't really cherish. I just don't have the time or the energy. If people give off "mood hoover" vibes or the slightest indication that they're going to take the piss with my time I tend to withdraw.

Sorry, but sometimes you have to prioritise your own wellbeing.

But who is requiring you to ‘wear the mask’? Surely if you want to talk about difficult stuff, talk about it? Or are you saying you’ve tried to, and your entire friendship group said ‘Ew! Downer!’ and changed the subject?

I think it depends. I have a great friend and our lives are quite similar so we really ‘get’ each other. We have a laugh about some of our problems and I try not to talk about my health issues unless I have a big update - I find them boring to discuss tbh - although they affect me a lot.
Another friend likes to ‘talk the talk’ but won’t ’walk the walk’ and it’s very frustrating - she’s been like that for years so I usually accept it, but I have DC who I need to emotionally support so I can’t fully be an emotional crutch for someone else.
These are the two friends I’m most close to and known them since my teens.

I think it's probably about bandwidth and maybe increased anxiety in general meaning people have reduced capacity for others' woes.

I have a dear friend I value greatly, who is going through a very tough time and has been for an extended while. I support her as best I can and have done some very generous things to help her out over the past 12 months, but it's still tough for me to hear every time we talk about her stresses when I am also battling many of my own and feel pretty stressed on a daily basis right now. The fact that we're coming out of winter doesn't help, it's been months of energy-draining short days, cloudiness, rain, mud, cold etc and I just feel like my reserves are super low.

This does not mean I don't have sympathy for her; I really do, and I would say I have gone above and beyond to be generous when she really needed help but I'm finding her company draining right now and it's a little much. No shade to her, what she's going through really is tough and I sincerely hope things turn around fast, but I'm very consumed with my own daily stresses and life things going on not to mention so much depressing stuff in the world in general. Everything's heavy. I'm tired and stressed. I just have less to give right now. It doesn't mean I care any the less.

But you say that you are pulling back rather than that anyone’s rebuffed you - are you sure you’re not anticipating something that might not actually happen. Is it not worth giving people the chance to be supportive? In my friendship group there would be no problem with someone venting and crying if they needed to.

I think the key with friendships is you’ve got to know when to stop talking about problems and being too heavy.

In other words don’t become a complete drain on people, they are not your psychiatrist. (I realise that sounds very harsh and uncaring).

Also try to interject some wit when you’re with them, so it’s not all doom and gloom.

It’s all a fine balance.

I hope things get better for you 💐

Exactly this. Are you sure OP that your friends aren’t open to being supportive? I admit I wouldn’t spend ages listening to a friend endless dissect a new relationship with a breakdown of who said what when and what each text said, the way we might have done in our uni days. But listening with sympathy and genuine interest to a friend who’s dad is dying or child is struggling with GCSEs and behaviour, absolutely. Especially as my friends also ask about my family, job, etc

I wasn’t looking for anyone to fix what I'm going through right now, I just thought talking might help see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve always made a point of checking in on friends when they seem to be having a hard time, sometimes even sending a small gift to lift their spirits. Maybe that comes across as being “too much,” I don’t know.

One friend came by my house to pick something up on the day everything fell apart for me. I’d clearly been crying, red, puffy eyes and all, but she didn’t ask if I was okay. A few days later, I ran into another friend at the supermarket. She said I looked tired and then moved on to talk about something else.

Reading through the responses here has made me realise something, maybe my friendships, even after 15 years, weren’t as deep as I believed. And confirms I was right to hold back from leaning on anyone. Everyone has their own troubles and crosses to bear.

So perhaps it’s not that society has changed, it’s that I don’t have the kind of friendships that offer support when things really fall apart.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to share their perspectives. Food for thought.