AIBU to raise concerns about partner’s 7-year-old’s increasing weight?

[GraciousV]

AIBU - Advice on how to approach

Me and my boyfriend have been together 5 years now and his daughter has been a huge part of my life (I don’t have my own kids). She means a lot to me and I really care for her, which is the reason behind this post.
She is 7, and over the last year she has put on a lot of weight for her age. Shes currently wearing age 10 clothes, but a lot of the items are snug already. I really worry for her and hate the idea of her going into school and being picked on for her weight.
I was a little chubby growing up and was treated differently for it & called names that stuck with me. I don’t want that for her.

My other half has commented that she is just big for her age and grows quick.. but I think he has rose tinted glasses on!

I believe at 7, her parents really are in control of her eating. Her mum is quite overweight so I worry that her eating habits are rubbing off on daughter but sometimes her dad (my OH) isn’t much better!
She is always out and about with us (walking, biking, playing) but it’s the food..

For eg. - packed lunch will include: a ham and cheese wrap, mini cookies, crisps, cucumber/ carrot sticks, some fruit, yoghurt, soreen loaf and maybe a jelly.
I’m from the generation we got crisps and a sandwich for lunch so this seems a lot?
For dinner he gives her the same size portion of say spaghetti bolognese as us and she will have garlic bread on the side too.
What is your thoughts on that?

I’ve tried to talk to my partner about it and that her weight is creeping up and up and we maybe need to adjust things.. plus for him to talk to her mum about it, but he just puts his head in the sand and makes excuses for her weight.

My mum is quite harsh and says I should just leave it and let her parents worry about it when it’s too late, but I really don’t want her to grow up and suffer for her weight.

Any advice on how to approach this?
AIBU to think like this and get involved when she isn’t my child?

You say her clothes are snug, how are they length wise?

What is the % split between mum and dad?

I can tell that you care for this girl and you are invested in her wellbeing. But the truth is that it isn’t for you to call the shots about what she eats.

Length is a bit long in trousers and sleeves tbh.
its 60% with mum, 40% with us!

How’s your relationship with the Mum? Could you reach out to her and have a chat about it all?

You sound like you care about his DD which is lovely but the changes ultimately need to come from her parents, even when others can see that she is gaining too much weight for her height, in clothes sizes much older than her age for width not length etc.

The meals you have given examples for sound like far too much food even if the portions are relatively small - the packed lunch would be fine if it was the wrap, fruit & vege sticks, yoghurt and maybe a small portion of a treat item like cookie or small bag of crisps but all the rest is just unnecessary crap. Likewise with the evening meal, a 7yo should not be eating anywhere near an adult portion (at least an half portion) and make the garlic bread a very occasional addition only.

Your DP needs to educate himself on portion sizes for children and it’s a bit weird that he thinks a child can or should eat the same as an adult. When she is with you could you try serving up gradually small portions for her until they get to an appropriate size? Or guide DP to gradually remove 1-2 items+ from her lunch box?

It sounds like it’s portion sizes that are the problem. No way should a 7 year old be having the same size portion as an adult. When my kids were that age I had smaller plates for them.

Can you add on a big helping of vegetables (for you all - don’t single her out) so she feels full, but reduce the pasta and don’t have garlic bread.

Small healthy changes for the 40% she’s with you would definitely help.

A bit long as in slightly long but still wearable? Sounds like she is a very tall 7yo then? If I gave my 8yo DD age 11 clothes they would be far too long to wear without taking them up.

That’s a lot of food for a 7 year old. Some kids can eat a lot without gaining excess weight, but others can’t, so in that case it has to be fewer carbs and more veggies. Too much in the packed lunch too / protein containing sandwich, veggies, fruit and yoghurt is enough.

You're not unreasonable to be concerned and it's possible to raise it gently when alone with your partner. But realistically it's not your job to parent her, it's his and her mother's. Unless he has a good relationship with the child's mother, it's very likely that she'll take offence at him suggesting that she's feeding her child too much or the wrong things.

All you can do is try and make sure she's as active as possible when she's with you and provide healthy food in smaller portions.