Would you raise this with DH? AIBU to have taken his comment this way?

[Joliyy]

DH is from a working class background and has done well for himself - first generation of his family to go to university, and credits education as being his way “out”. For that reason, he’s really invested in DD’s education - she’s only 5 but he takes a keen interest and is already thinking ahead.

The other day we got into a conversation about secondary schools - just a casual one because obviously she’s only 5. He’s already thinking about secondary schools, how to put her into the best position to get into a good one. He also doesn’t rule out private schools, if we can afford it (which is something we disagree on).

During a recent conversation he justified his interest in DD’s education as being that he wanted her to have more options that he had and so she could avoid “a hum drum middle
class suburban life”.

We’re middle class and live in the suburbs. AIBU to take this as a reference to his own life and lack of satisfaction? He’s never expressed any dissatisfaction and I may be overreacting, and we have a nice comfortable life.

Would you raise this or just take it as a passing comment?

It’s not about any dissatisfaction and it’s definitely not you. It’s just he’s very ambitious for your dd. I wouldn’t be worried about the comment.

I think a lot of parents dream big for their children, nothing wrong with that. Like him, I was the first in our family to go to uni. Circumstances meant my life didn’t exactly turn out as planned, but it is a perfectly good life. I had high hopes for DC being successful, not having to struggle financially or personally etc etc. it doesn’t mean my, very comfortable compared to my childhood, lacks satisfaction. I just dreamt they would achieve much more than I had managed.

We all want better for our children.

I’d see that as he wants her to have every opportunity possible and I’d see that as a good thing.

Sounds pretty normal to me, lots of us dream
of our DC becoming vets or astronauts and so on when they are very young.

I think it’s a fair enough comment. We have a very middle class suburban life. It’s great. But it’s also very boring at times. I feel stultified by it. I wouldn’t change it necessarily but it’s not how I imagined my life would turn out. I want DS to have an amazing life. He will, no doubt, end up having a very suburban middle class existence but my ambition for him is limitless.

It comes across as snobbish and dismissive. Wanting to give your DD options in life is great, but a middle-class suburban life isn't by default 'humdrum' - it's what you make of it. Not everyone wants to give their life over to a high-flying, jet-setting career - there are other ways to enjoy life. If my husband said something like that, I would definitely raise it.

I wouldn't take it as an insult, but I would be a bit wary of him placing so much importance on education. If DD wanted to pursue something less academic would he entertain it?

If DD wants to be a footballer or a hairdresser then the money you could save in private school fees would set her up beautifully in a business of her own. Or pay for other activities outside of school. I say this as a mam spending a fortune on music lessons for one child and theatre school for another. There may well come a time when something lights DD up, and you will want to be able to encourage whatever that is.

I'd think nothing of it. Isn't it normal to want your DC to have a better life than you? It doesn't mean we're dissatisfied as such, just aware that there is more out there.

He’s putting a lot of pressure and expectations on a little girl.

What exactly does he think this education is going to get her? Most well educated people I know have used it precisely to achieve a humdrum middle class life in the suburbs (myself included). In fact, the only people I know who don’t have that were born into wealth or didn’t complete any further or additional education - so it would be interesting to know what his desired outcome is here.

I’d also be concerned about the pressure he’s putting on your daughter to live his vision of her ideal life. What if she is not academic at all, what if she wants to be an artist or a hairdresser, what if she wants to marry young and have children? How will he feel then?

I think wanting your children to have a better life than you is actually a good thing.

It doesn’t mean he isn’t happy.

I think that comment is fine. He basically wants her to have opportunities and options. Try not to overthink it.,

My father was like this. I left home at 16. Too oppressive IMO. She's 5

I think it is quite a negative comment about his and your life actually.

He could have said “so she can do anything she wants” or “so she can do something amazing”. But he chose to say “so she can avoid a humdrum middle class suburban existence”. That does suggest to me that he doesn’t feel happy with how his life turned out - that doesn’t mean you, but his status/job perhaps.

I agree with pp that he is placing WAY too much pressure on DD’s future and he seems to think a high status school or job is more important than her being happy. Sounds a bit like he wants to live vicariously through her and see her do things he perhaps wanted to but didn’t make it. I’d nip that in the bud right now, it’s no way for a child to grow up.