Child to parent violence

[Holli222]

My 12 year old is violent to me and his sister and has severe outbursts of anger , he screems at us if you ask him a question. He comes out of school laughing and joking but the second he gets in the car he starts screeming at me. How can i stop this behaviour.

What are the consequences for this unpleasant behaviour?
At 12 yrs, if he was being unpleasant he would be using pocket money for bus fare, no lift home

Is there more background OP?

What type of content is he watching on SM? What type of peers is he mixing with? Any school issues? Any additional needs? History of domestic abuse in the home? Is he abusive to anyone else outside of you and his sister? Is there a male living at home? Dad?

Look up NVR - non violent resistance. It might help? It’s tough…

Have you posted this a few times before?

A 12 yo being abusive isn't going to be a quick fix. You will need professional support. Are CAMHS involved? School aware and supporting DD? Social services/early help?

Presuming there is no father so is there other males who can speak with him, society can pretend males dont need decent male role models but it doesn't work that way

Been through all of these was told camhs cant do anything for him and other services have either tol me to treat him for his bad behaviour or just left me to struggle on on my own, this has been going on for years.

You're going to get a whole load of suggestions ranging from "Transform your entire home into Borstal immediately" to "Remove all demands, take him out of school and let him self-regulate with unlimited Xbox time" which will be confusing and probably not especially helpful.

What you probably actually need to do is seek professional advice IRL. If you do take any advice from comments please pay attention to the wording of the comments. You can differentiate between people telling you hypothetically what they "would" do if their children did this, and what people have actually been through in real life. Do not take advice from anyone's hypothetical plan - if you're going to investigate or try anything out, then have it be someone who has been there and had the actual experience.

The school or your GP should be able to refer to parenting courses (there are CPV specific ones) and CAMHS if that is appropriate. Family Hubs in some areas can also offer parenting advice/support including ND related info if that is a possibility.

No other males or anyone to speak to him i am totally on my own

I waited 3 years for a refferal to just physicology to then be told the waiting list was to long so they took him off it and didnt offer any other suggestions. His behaviour is going worse and i dont know of anywhere to turn to , i have severe m.e and his behaviour is making me more ill.

https://capafirstresponse.org/

Has he been assessed for neurodivergence?
It sounds very much like the "coke can effect" - masking all day at school then exploding at home/with parent as this is their "safe space".
Not excusing violence, its absolutely unacceptable and you and his sister need to be safe, however if he is potentially ND you could speak to school senco and see what can be adapted in the school environment so he's less dysregualted after school.

Also look into anger management and emotion coaching strategies that you can work through with him, when hes calm and regulated, to help him develop more appropriate ways of communicating when he is upset or angry than using violence.

I firmly believe all behaviour is communication, but kids dont always have the verbal and emotional skills developed to tell us calmly and clearly when and why they are upset or overwhelmed, instead they lash out.
Its an awful situation for you all x

Have you told the school?

Are school doing anything to support him? I suspect that if school get support in place his behaviour will improve. You can't do this alone and they shouldn't be palming you off.

He's probably bottling it up all day and exploding. I used to be kicked and hit down the path on the way home because school and CAMHS refused to help. God, I hated school pick ups.

Did your son have an initial assessment with CAMHS? If so, what happened after that? Kids aren't being discharged because of long waiting times (unless they age out). There has to be a reason, even if it doesn't make sense to you or feel right. And if it isn't right, you can complain.

Have you tried self-referring to the Early Help team at your local Council - this is absolutely what they should be helping with.

In our area you only get early help after jumping through idiots guide to parenting courses.

The one upside of eventually getting "early" help (after asking for a decade) was that she applied for DLA, which we got. The money from DLA helped more than they ever did. The EHCP took almost two years as they refused it first time round.

Early help told to reward him for bad behaviour and made me a list of extra jobs for me to do around the house and told me to get a blue badge for my car for doing shopping when the kids were at school . None of this is anything to do with helping me with his behaviour. I cant get him to do tiny chores and i am treated like something he has trod in.

The camhs letter was after a refferal but they would not see him at all .
The ones that said the waiting list was to.long after waiting 3 years and took him off the list was something called Just Physcology . Nothing else was suggested after the 3 year wait we were just told he was being taken off the waiting list and they also would not see him.