No support from family about racist abuse

[nohelpwithracism]

I tend to deal with the bulk of "my" stuff on my own, because it's easier. I was interacially adopted by my parents as a baby and they are (and have always been) completely clueless about everything. One of them is able to be empathetic but the other is not. I can't be angry about a decision made by social services in the 1980s because it would eat me up with bitterness, so I try not to be angry about stuff.

I'm currently going through a situation with a tenant in the same block as me (literally the door opposite me) who has been charged with racially aggravated harrassment and stalking with words. The CPS have made that decision but she won't be told until next week as there was only so far that the police could bring her bail date forward.

My neighour was charged on the basis of a 14 minute video I provided them with, which was full of racial slurs which have left me feeling really hurt and vulnerable. I obviously need the housing to get her out as soon as possible after they become aware of the charge next week.

There are only two family members I felt able to finally share the footage with and one of them is a step parent. I said it wasn't urgent but asked that they watch the video when they could do and asked for help with putting together the best letter I possibly can in support of this tenant being removed from the block, once they are informed of her charge officially.

I got a reply from these family members and they said they had watched the video (which I had held back to protect them). I had nothing back to say how sorry they were about the vile things said (there were a lot, hence why the CPS are are charging). They are busy of course and I said I understand that but they could have empathised and checked if I'm feeling ok? I feel absolutely broken.

YANBU OP, and I am so sorry you had to experience that x

Thanks so much. It's hard being an empath sometimes because even when you want to scream at everyone you just can't do it. I don't want to push the few people I have away but I feel so hurt that they aren't seeing that video and asking if I'm ok, as I've kept it to myself since January :(

I am so sorry OP.

For the racial abuse and the lack of compassion and care from your family.

do you have any support at all?

It sounds really lonely OP, I am sorry

That would be very hurtful, sorry you went through racial abuse and lack of support from your family 🩷

Have they helped you put together the letter you asked for ?

Some people would feel hugely uncomfortable doing anything other than the things you specifically asked for.

14 minutes of racist abuse, and that's just what you have recorded? Oh dear god, that is so grim. That sounds incredibly sustained, distressing, and scary. I am so sorry that you are faced with that, and that you are getting little support.

For your letter, I would probably focus on how this makes you feel, the impact upon you as the innocent victim. I would presume this would include scared, threatened, intimidated and unsafe in your own home. That you are probably scared to even open your own door, or access the corridor, for fear of this vile racist. I am so sorry you are being treated like this.

OP, I’m so so sorry for everything you’ve gone through, from what sounds like a very difficult adoption to this horrible time you’re going through now. You don’t deserve any of this. Please look after yourself

Sorry, not sure what you mean by that but I know it's hard interpreting what people mean in messages sometimes.

I'm just at the point where I've gathered a shit load of policies from less-shit social housing providers, court documents from previous cases, etc to try to prove that this person should absolutely be moved out of this block, so I can feel more empowered.

I thought that the man who is ostensbily my Dad (from 6 weeks, I am now 42) might have wanted to take 30 seconds to say something after watching a video where I was called a smelly bastard, told I had a black face and told to go back to my own country. He instead said he knew my struggles and would speak to me tomorrow. I didn't feel great about that.

I don't really at the moment. I phoned the employee assistance programme line for work which allowed me to get things off my chest a bit. Our whole family is weird to be honest. My dad is the one I can speak to most but he gets angry when challenged then needs time to respond on his own terms, so he'll probably be in touch tomorrow. I've become much closer to his wife in recent years. My Mum is a narc and the narc parenting triangle created by her means that my adoptive sister is the golden child and I am the permanent scapegoat! Or you could say the actual black sheep of the familly! I know it's all a bit bizarre but this happened in the UK in the 1980s, fucking bonkers eh x

OP I literally do not know what to say.

I’m so sorry. Do you have any friends at all? It’s horrible when you realise your own family have no support and compassion for you.

You are getting hit hard on a few fronts 😢

I’m black btw.

They are dicks.
Sorry this happened

Chatgpt is probably your friend for this.
Use good prompts and put your draft in

Hiya. I appreciate the solidarity, thank you. I do have friends yes, but nobody close to me who is local (don't get me started on moving for other people's needs, haha). I prefer to ask family anyway as it's quite sensitive and also a lot to ask of someone else, I've had some supportive messages from the "offending" family members today which I appreciate - but I'm still here with 3000 tabs open on my laptop, trying to think how to word this letter. Appaz I'm good at writing letters - yeah thanks, that's not the point is it! I need someone to be able to take all these policy documents and legal bits and put them in a letter for me before I lose my mind. I think I'm on my own with that one, but thanks for the supportive comments, it's good to know I'm not alone xx

Oh lordy I haven't ventured into AI yet but maybe I'll have to!! Thank you and yes, they indeed are x

I thought that the man who is ostensbily my Dad (from 6 weeks, I am now 42) might have wanted to take 30 seconds to say something after watching a video where I was called a smelly bastard, told I had a black face and told to go back to my own country. He instead said he knew my struggles and would speak to me tomorrow. I didn't feel great about that.

I'm so sorry OP, he should be absolutely ashamed of himself not supporting you like this

Can I ask about the step parent?

What was their take on it and have they given you not support at all either?

Thanks. He and his wife have both messaged me today and said that they are disgusted by racism, I shouldn't be going through that, etc.

My Dad also said, "You've said before what she's called you and the way she's spoken to you so it was helpful and unpleasant to hear her saying those things. It was abhorrent and she shouldn't be able to get away with it. But it doesn't help for you to have a go at us for not responding exactly how you want us to".

All I took from that was "unpleasant". That is just not the word, in my opinion, but what do I know? That is the level of support I'm at - oh and I'm good at writing letters 🙄

Oops no I must add, in his defence, he has offered to check over anything I write. I still just want to throw everything including my laptop and myself out the window at this point as my brain isn't working well enough today x

I think he wanted to talk about it properly and not over text.

You wanted immediate support but you had some choice over when you sent that message, he didn't over when he received it. Sometimes we want time to process things and consider how best to respond.

I'd read it that he acknowledged it was awful for you and said he would call, which it sounds like he's done.

Do you know what he was doing when he sent the reply to say he'd call later? I can understand why you wanted more after disclosing something so difficult but I don't think it's entirely unreasonable for the other person to want to get themselves into the right mental (or even physical) place to be able to discuss it.

You are going through a horrible time but be careful you aren't letting your anger come out in the wrong places.

I didn't ask him for a conversation last night: I said it wasn't urgent but asked that they watch the video when they could do and asked for help with putting together the best letter I possibly can in support of this tenant being removed from the block, once they are informed of her charge officially...

The issue I raised was around empathy and understanding. I didn't ask him to do anything last night and today he and his wife have acknowledged the awful nature of the things said by the person who has been charged by the CPS. There still hasn't been a conversatiion which again, I wasn't and haven't been asking for.

Had a call from my Dad this afternoon. Claimed he is too busy to help me. I was confused and asked him why when he is retired. I said that he knew I would drop everything for him if he needed me and I work full time, so not sure why he couldn't take the load of a few hours of research gathering from me. His wife is a quliaifed research scientist. I am still alone. He got defensive and angry and then the call ended. I'm not giving my narc mother the pleasure of asking for help (nor my unemployed but very quailfied sister who could help me) so what the fuck, I will have to sort this out myself, as I always do.

Just a note for anyone who tells people to reach out for help. Sometimes they do, from people who proclaim to "love" them - but this is the reality :( x