Am I in the wrong here? PND trigger warning

[letmecomplain7]

I want to start off by saying that my DH is a good man on the whole, he works hard, he loves our children and puts in time and effort with them (as he should) etc but I’m beginning to wonder if he actually loves me or if we’re together out of conveinence/routine/for the children?

We are childhood sweethearts, married at 19 & 20, now mid 30’s.

We had fertility treatment to conceive our 3 year old after recurrent miscarriage and it genuinely was the happiest time of my life. I LOVED everything about it, our first born was calm, slept 10-12 hours straight through from 12 weeks old. She was a smiley baby, didn’t even know she was teething until one day she woke up with a bottom one. We got lucky and had an “easy” one.

I fell pregnant naturally 2024 and we were ecstatic, I gave birth last year but this time, I feel empty. I know I love him/would protect him but I don’t enjoy being his Mum. He cries a lot, whinges non stop, he’s been teething for the past 3 months with no signs of teeth coming through. He’s had multiple health checks, he’s on dairy free formula, gaviscon, omeprazole, we’ve tried everything. He’s had RSV twice and been hospitalised twice with it and spent around 3 months of his 6 months unwell, very snotty, antibiotics for recurrent chest infections, RSV, colds. This has made it impossible to do proper “tummy time” with him, he doesn’t roll or show any signs of trying to, he can’t hold his head up straight for long enough for me to wean him safely. Drs tell me all babies are different so I let it go.

I’m exhausted. I’ve slept on the sofa for the past 3 weeks with him in his swinging chair (it lays flat so no chin to chest) but is very slightly raised because he’s full of snot again and can’t breathe in his cot properly. He has a bottle at 8 then 11 then he wakes at 1:30 then again at 4 then he’s up at 6.

Yesterday, DH came home early from work (runs own business), I asked if he had paperwork to do in the home office but he said no he’s going to go to bed for a few hours as he was tired and had an important football match (semi final for the team he plays for). He knows I’d been up 3 or 4 times in the night with baby yet he went back to bed and slept for 5 hours whilst I dealt with toddler and baby even though I asked if I could get a couple of hours, he said he needed the rest for the game.

I was giving baby a dream feed at midnight last night sat on the rug next to his chair and fell asleep whilst I was giving it to him, I fell back and smashed my back and head on our solid oak toy box which really hurt. I carried on feeding baby, took some paracetamol as my head was pounding and went to sleep on the sofa. I told DH about it this morning (I was up at 7 with toddler and baby, he was up at 9) and he said “it’s normal, you’re a mum you’re going to be tired” and I just lost my shit. (My daughter was at my mums baking cakes so it wasn’t in front of her) but I cried and told him I’m so exhausted that I feel it in my bones, I worry about driving our daughter to preschool the 3 days a week she goes, I worry about falling asleep when baby is awake and not waking to him crying but instead of comfort, he shouted at me to go and sleep then instead of cleaning whilst I had a a couple hours free of toddler (I’d asked him if he could keep baby with him and run hoover around so that I could go to my mums with DD and have some quality 1-1 time baking with her) but he said he needed to clean fish tank/baby whinging/impossible to hoover as well so I dropped her off then came back because if I don’t do it, who will? There will be no clean clothes, no clean floor, no changed bedsheets.

I admitted to my dr that I was struggling a few weeks ago and they very quickly got me seen my a post natal psychiatrist (I have quite a long history of depression and anxiety) and she doesn’t think I have depression at all, she thinks I have inattentive ADHD and OCD and I feel depressed because I’ve been misdiagnosed since I was 15 so she has changed my medication and will continue to see me as she also thinks I have PND.

When I got angry and said “you even went back to bed for hours yesterday knowing you’d had a full night sleep in our bedroom without a baby disturbing you, knowing I’m exhausted” and then that was it, he then blamed everything on me being “angry” about that because it all come spilling out, I do all of the washing, all of the cleaning, he’ll leave empty wipe packets next to the bathroom bin, socks on the living room floor where he takes them off, if he uses the last of the shower gel it stays there until I replace it and I’m sick of it. I’m at breaking point.

He’s taking both kids out to a nature trail tomorrow morning into the afternoon and acts like I should be grateful for this.

I love him and I don’t want to give up on us but lately I’ve been thinking; at least I’d have every other weekend child free and then I feel terribly guilty because I adore my children but I’m burnt out, sad, exhausted and overwhelmed that it really does seem appealing to me but I’m worried if I ask him to leave it’ll be the biggest mistake of my life. I know I love him, when we are good we are really good but when we are like this, it’s hideous.

What do I do? I feel like I’m genuinely going insane.

He’ll do the occasional Saturday but wake me up at 6 and tell me he's been up twice so needs to go back to bed so what’s the point, I can’t even get a lay in once a month.

It’s just really upset me that I’ve actually injured myself I’m that tired, I fell asleep sat up on the floor and smashed my head full pelt on solid wood, I have a lump and bruise there and it sounds so dramatic but how can he pass that off as normal? The scary thing is I didn’t even feel sleepy, and this is what worries me about driving. One minute I was feeding baby, next I had a searing pain in my head and realised I’d fallen asleep, fell back and smashed my head.

It's also that feeding hormones knock you out too, that just adds to the horror and exhaustion. All the solidarity and support, I'd like to kick your husband in the hole

I realise I’m just having a full on rant here but I just need to vent. I’m so sad, I want to enjoy my baby, he’s my last. I want to soak it up and instead I spend my days/nights crying with exhaustion and desperation for sleep.

My twins turned 7, 2 weeks ago and we’re still going through it 🤣

The lack of sleep is clearly making you more irritable OP. Give yourself a break, we’ve all been there. It’s hard, especially when things are different to what you’re used to.

You and partner are in the thick of it now so just ride it out together.

You poor love.

It sounds as if the easiness of your first lulled him into a false sense of how easy it would be. But really, this is not ok. You are exhausted. You may well have PND (or develop PND), or depression, or whatever, but the bottom line is that you are shattered.

You say his sleep for work is non-negotiable, and so is his football.

Well, no. Something has to give. Even if it's only for a few months, he needs to let you get some proper sleep or you will break.

Taking the children out for the odd Saturday activity isn't enough when you have a small baby, especially when that baby isn't sleeping well.

He's fucking useless.

Book a hotel for tonight and leave him to it.

You aren’t wrong, he isn’t doing his bit.

Put in writing your sleep and your ‘me’ time and his and ask him why he thinks it’s fair. The DC aren’t your hobby, they were a joint decision.

Your baby is bottle fed. Perhaps you and DD should have 2 nights at your parents so you ca sleep and he gets to experience looking after the baby for 48 hours.

my husband is an electrician so I get this, but he makes sure to help Friday night/saturday night and takes eldest out most sundays so I can have a rest. We also have a cleaner come every few weeks, so I can rest in the day when eldest is at nursery. They can’t use that as an excuse all weekend too

You're not wrong. He doesn't understand how awful sustained sleep deprivation is because he's never done it. He needs to do more. But I also think that contemplating divorce is not uncommon at this point with a young baby. I certainly Googled what my income would be and rental prices for flats a few times.

I think you need to ask for specific things e.g. not just, I need more time to sleep but "I have to be undisturbed from 10pm to 8am on Saturday and Sunday" and that you have to have one evening where you can leave the house to do something. The baby is bottle fed. There is no reason why he can't do that.

How is money? I ask because I think if you can spend some money on a cleaner, or maybe even a babysitter to watch the baby once a week for a couple of months, that might be helpful. You have had a really rough six months, your DH has a high pressure job that sounds like flexibility isn't possible so he "can't" step in; I would see this as an essential expense.

I agree this doesn’t sound like PND. This sounds like a dangerous level of exhaustion. It will start manifesting as ill health if you don’t get some regular sleep soon (I say this not to stress you more, but just to indicate that your sleep becomes a priority and it becomes one right NOW, tonight, not a week from now). I don’t give a fuck if OP’s DH is playing in the fucking World Cup; you don’t hear that your wife is SO tired that she fell asleep feeding the baby (and she got hurt!) and still prioritize your own rest. Who are these fucking men?!

And if his team was so big on mental health, then they’d have no problem with him taking a month off the team for yours. If his “outlet” requires more time and energy than can rationally be sacrificed right now, then yes, it has to be put on hold. But he’s taking the fucking piss; my ex flew attack helicopters and the rule in his squadron was that you couldn’t fly on less than six hours of sleep. Your DH thinks he needs an EXTRA five hours of sleep just to play football in the park 😂

How old is your youngest if you fell pregnant in 2024 and it’s now 2026? Id drop the breastfeeding for a start if you can ….my boy twin was similar in terms of impossible to settle up all night split nights of sleep ….i co slept it was the only way to be able to get some sleep with twins and an older child whilst back working full time when they were 20 weeks old (ex husband couldn’t cope with the minimal amount he was asked to do and left!). The 3 days your eldest is at school you cat nap whilst he naps - no housework. Of your husband doesn’t like it suggest he quits his football and helps with the housework

I fell pregnant December 2024 and he was born Sept 2025.

But he’s taking the fucking piss; my ex flew attack helicopters and the rule in his squadron was that you couldn’t fly on less than six hours of sleep. Your DH thinks he needs an EXTRA five hours of sleep just to play football in the park

I cannot say how much I adore this reply. OP, please read it to your DH if he has the front to keep making a fuss.

My DC were similar to your second when they were babies and my DH did absolutely everything he could to get me as much sleep as possible. My mental health was still quite fragile from the overall exhaustion but I felt 100% supported by him and it absolutely saved me and our relationship. Your DH needs to step up and see your sleep as the top priority, not an afterthought.

I could have been you 12 years ago OP. I stuck it out and let myself believe that as things got better with the kids getting older (which will happen), I'd be ok and it was just easier to be the one who always threw things in the bin, picked up the dirty cups, noticed when the windows needed cleaned.

In reality, I wasn't ok. I was medicated and shut down. More and more every year. Now my youngest is 12 and I wish I'd had the courage to leave years ago. Like yours, my DH is a decent enough man. He's hard working, he loves us in his way but he's ultimately selfish and happy to let me carry the (hate this phrase) "mental load". I'd go so far as to say he simply doesn't see a mental load. It's not malicious on his part. It's just how his life has always been. Women look after that stuff. His grandmother, his mother, his aunts, me.

The chances of him changing and being a real partner, the partner you so desperately need, are vanishingly slim. This is your groove as a couple and it's almost impossible to climb out of together. There are tons of influencer accounts about this exact dynamic. One of my favourites is The Abby Eckhart. But be warned, it's tough love and she pulls no punches.

You poor thing. Your dh is a piece of work. How can he claim to love you and the children when he treats you this way. My dh isn’t like this. My brothers aren’t like this and one has a high risk job. They get up with their babies. They let their partner sleep and they pick up the slack at home. You are working too. You are in a high risk job because you are responsible for the lives of yourself and your babies. You need sleep. Between the two of you, he could get 6 for work and you could get 5. You’d feel a new woman with 5 hrs solid sleep regularly. It’s not ideal but it would help a lot.

I am so angry on your behalf @letmecomplain7 In what world does he get 5 hours of rest for a football match and a full, undisturbed night sleep, and has the audacity to shout at you when you're on your knees with exhaustion?!
He might be a good man, but he has been cruel and selfish towards you today and that argument is not your fault.

I let my DP get away with that nonsense. He was never cross with me, he'd make this sympathetic face and call me "supermum!" and then go to bed and leave me to cope. Our relationship will never be quite the same. I will always be fond of him, deeply, and he has become a good father to DD, but he let us down hideously when DD and I needed him most and we both know it.

I am normally a great advocate of diplomacy and finding the right time, but you need and deserve rest NOW. Tell him that you need three nights a week to sleep and he needs to see to DS.
Let him suggest the nights, but be firm with it. He has to do his share to help you remain well, for you, for your family, for his children.
He has to help shoulder the load during this tricky time.
Good luck, @letmecomplain7 I am rooting for you xxx

OP, do you get the irony of him playing football with men who support mental health, yet how is he supporting yours?! The mother of his children. I think a lot of posters have been kind saying how tired you are but your so called DH could help alleviate this ffs

Oh OP my heart goes out to you. There is lots of useful advice here but I’m posting because you could be me.

long story short.
married twenty years. Couldn’t have children.
adopted two, had two.

DH farmer. Never here.

I was tired but ok with twins, five months but weaned early due to background.

DD3 then arrived and my world blew up. Everyone kept assuming I had PND. The reality was I was so sleep deprived I was hallucinating. She never slept longer than half an hour.

then in lockdown along came dd4. So four under 4. Dh busier than ever. No support anywhere.

I started what I call survival, and to be brutally honest, I’ve never ended it.

I am highly selfish and protective of nap times. Very little interferes with that. Ever. And nap is nap for everyone. So up until school we had busy mornings then we all slept.

now, Friday half day school, nursery, we all sleep. It’s almost a ritual we will keep going.

I don’t know your current set up. Is 3 year old at nursery? If so, focus on you and baby nap, if not, sort a large nap.

fresh air, busy mornings, lunch and bed, take baby. Big enough now to reduce co sleep worries. Sleep. Nap whenever you can.

nobody can function without sleep. I had no idea how serious that could become.

so prioritise that for you and kids. Forget about anything else, unless it’s someone offering to take one and let you sleep.

DH never got it fully here. Despite my breakdown. However, accepts that I still need that Friday sleep with kids and indeed he takes them a Sunday PM and I do same.

I have sort of accepted that in order to function as a human I need to sleep when I can so I do. Kids are busy, school, nursery, I work, but we still sleep for a couple of hours on an afternoon if we can.

Your husband is a cunt! A full on narcissist on steroids! What a selfish self centred arsehole!! Leave your kids with him for the weekend and go to your mums and sleep all
weekend.

Your husband needs to be doing more to let you get some sleep. If he won't/can't get up during the night then can you go to bed early and get a few hours before he comes to bed? If he doesn't work weekends then nights should be split or you need to nap. It should not just be you bearing the brunt of it!

My first and only was like your second and christ, some of the fights ive had with my partner would scare me if I watched them back. I had to threaten to leave and get very close to it happening, but he Stepped up and realised quickly how hard id had it. I honestly feel for you so much, its very very difficult and its the lowest ive ever been. Never felt so unseen and if things hadn't changed, id have had to leave as like you, all I could think about was how it would be easier alone.

The shower gel and wipes and socks thing is important because they make you feel like he doesn’t think you matter.