AIBU to think I shouldn’t have been expected to pay?!

[Thadreat]

For context my parents are well off, as is my sibling. They’re all mortgage free and my sibling doesn’t work. Neither do my parents as retired.

In contrast, I am a single parent. I have a good income and DD’s dad is well off but I still have a mortgage and in comparison to the rest of my direct family I am in a different category financially. They’re all going away in summer for example and I’m only going for half the amount of time due to cost of the area they’ve chosen to go. However I do have money and by most people’s standards I’m in a well off category.

Anyway that’s the context. Sibling relies on parents and her in laws a lot. Today I met my parents at their request, around 45 minutes away, close to where my sibling is based because she won’t drive far now she has a 1 year old and 4 year old.

Sibling dropped 4 year old with my parents and went home for a break and then me, DD and parents and niece walked round the park.

I generally have a good relationship with sibling.

At the cafe at the end my niece ran up to the table with an ice cream she had chosen asking my dad to buy it and my parents were really funny with me that I’d not paid for niece’s ice cream or snacks.

I haven’t been in the best mood today as barely slept but I just felt like it was absolutely taking the piss. I said that I couldn’t always subsidise sibling and pay for niece too and that I had driven really far today to meet because it was local to sibling. Both parents said it was only an ice cream and snacks and I should be able to buy my own niece things.

I do buy niece things and have got ice creams and so on in the past. It’s not something I never do but I found it really shit they thought it was expected? I’m probably making more of things than I need to, it’s just really upset me. What do you think? As I say it’s not like I would have ran out of money for the month if I had paid for it. Was I being totally stingy and unreasonable?

Why the fuck could they not pay for it if it’s not a big deal? I’m angry on your behalf!

So what happened? Neice came running to the table with the ice cream and what was the discussion then?

But anyway, you're NBU and it sounds like your siblings needs to parent.

@NarnianQueen i don’t know, they do often seem to want to make a point. They also say they’re ok financially asset wise but not cash wise so I think they feel stretched possibly month to month. But they could certainly afford it and I assume would have done had I not been there

@LiteraryBambi they bought my dd and niece the ice cream then paid for nieces snacks and I got my own dd snacks

Sibling dropped 4 year old with my parents and went home for a break.
This to me sounds like your DPs were doing childcare for your sister and therefore DN their responsibility including for any treats.

@HumerousHumous well yes I had no involvement in the arrangements other than them asking if I would join them rather last minute

It just felt really awkward and shit. I’m feeling the pinch at the moment so probably being sensitive I don’t know

It would be the norm to buy both children together. If you have more disposable income than your parents, then you should have got the ice-creams for both children. It was strange that you made a point to not do that.

Going forward i would be making less of a effort with both of them, your sister fucked off and left you with her kid after you drove 45 minutes to see her? She’s taking the piss.

I know it’s ‘only an ice cream’ and you could have paid, but it’s not the point. You drove to see your family involving costs in terms of money and time and then your sibling went home for a rest!!

TBH if I was her and really needed the rest, I’d have given you all some money to have an ice cream/cup of tea as a way of saying ‘sorry I’m bailing out, I really appreciate you visiting and taking 4 year old out’.

So no, I don’t think you were unreasonable and do think it was presumptuous of your parents. Yes, it’s only an ice cream but is part of a much bigger picture where your sister gets favourable treatment. It’s really hard being the underdog sibling and seeing the other one treated better.

@Twatterati sibling never joins us, always drops niece off! So it’s a regular thing

Your sibling should have left money with you and your parents to cover her childs ice-cream and snacks

Why did your parents end up paying for both icecreams? Were they annoyed you didn't pay for your daughter's?

On the basis that you were a last minute addition to existing plans then I don't think you should have been expected to pay for your niece.

I am assuming your sister didn't give your parents any cash to cover snacks etc., so I think your sister is being unreasonable dropping her child off and assuming someone else will pick up the tab.

It's awkward as it's family.

Would it be up to you to buy snacks and ice creams for everyone each time you meet up if your sister always leaves?!

How is she young enough to have young kids but is mortgage free, yet doesn’t work (jealous)?!

Perhaps next time drop your DD off and go park up somewhere for a rest!

I don’t understand why your parents are treating both their DGC.

Do you ever get to spend time with your sibling?

If someone else was taking my small child somewhere, I'd give them money for ice creams snacks etc, so that should've come from your sister. Why would your parents imagine you should pay for your niece? Does your sister ever buy treats for your DD? (think I can guess the answer to this)

Also, though, my parents were always pleased to be able to buy ice creams for their GC. It seems odd that yours would object unless a) they're really short of cash or b) your sister has been really taking the piss with their money lately.

I'd avoid any family get togethers for a while

I would just have paid, not worth making a big deal over if you have plenty of money.

Would have been nice for your sister to give some money to your parents for her own DD to have an ice cream and snacks especially if not packing any for her to take! I would never expect a sibling to pay for my children's snacks and treats especially if I wasn’t there.

Why is the child allowed just to pick up an ice cream and expect it to be paid for. It should have been put back. I wouldn't go out with them again if I was accused of being mean.

Why did you run to join them at their last minute request?

You'd already paid for your travel.
If it was only an ice cream, why can't they pay? Why is it for you to cover? Is that why they invited you, because they expected you to pay? They should ask your sibling to give them treat money for her child if they can't afford it, or take their own snacks.

Completely agree. Would paying for snacks for both children really have been much more expensive than buying your daughter's ice-cream and snacks yourself? And before someone says it's the principle that matters, OP shouldn't accept her parents paying for her daughter if the principle is so important to her.

Did you buy your DD an ice cream/snacks and not your DN? If so, that's pretty nasty. I would absolutely have included my DN if buying for my own child.

Your parents suck and shiuld have paid for everyone

Your sibling is the real problem/ villain tbh.

I'd play dumb and tell your sibling that you are concerned your parents have financial problems as they reacted utterly bizarrely to needing to pay for araminta's organic ice cream...
You understand their pov as £15 here and there adds up
..
maybe sibling need to be more front footed / proactive... ?
As while you are happy to do all the legwork on travelling... if the expectation is you travel hours to facilitate relations between the cousins and help your parents provide free childcare and then are expected to pay for aramintas sundries that doesnt work and you probably wont keep up the outings for the cousins.

And then I'd step away slightly if needed

@ChangeAgainAgainAgain i hasn’t bought anything at this point.