To let teen just do his own thing

[frostynicks]

Ds is 14 and generally quite lovely. Has his moments of bad attitude but generally a good lad. His dad and I separated many years ago and have EOW with him so when he’s here I love settling down all of us on a Saturday night watching tv and having a takeaway etc.
Tonight we all gathered for Gladiators and he was just miserable as his arse. Complaining about his younger sibling being annoying, complaining about me being annoying, just souring the mood for no reason. When I put youngest to bed he disappeared into his room on his PlayStation and I’ve just left him there for now. He will come and have some food later but I’m not going to insist he sits with us is he’s going to be grumpy.
Usually I’d feel bad about not spending this time with him when it’s my weekend with him but if I’m honest sometimes it does ruin the chilled atmosphere when he’s sat there with a face on for no reason. Do I just accept he’s getting too old for this now and leave him to his own devices? We’ve had some time together today - long dog walk, park etc. Now he’s chatting with his friends online and gaming.

It's his home. He can do nothing and have time by himself.

I think it is fine, he wants to play with his mates on his PlayStation that’s normal on a Saturday night. You did something in the day time together. Would be different if he was all day in his room.

Find the middle balance. It’s ok for him to have time alone gaming if it isn’t happening for hours on end and he’s spent time with you and the family and seen some sunlight!

I have a 14yo SS and he's pretty much the same. We generally all eat together so that we have some family time everyday but other than that, he is off out with his mates, at some sort of sport or on the PlayStation.

I can remember being forced to sit in the lounge with my parents and older brothers when I was younger and we were all miserable.

He’s reached the age where he doesn’t want to hang about with his family on a Saturday night, and yes, siblings are deemed annoying. Always invite him to join in, but be relaxed if he doesn’t want to. I’ve got a 17 year old and we rarely spend time together in the evening at home now unless there’s a new film release or a bit of event telly that we all want to watch. This probably started at around 14. But we do always have meals together, and he finds other random ways to come talk to me.Giving lifts and having 1-2-1 time in the car is always a useful opportunity to catch up.

Seems normal to me At 14 my DS was online gaming or out with friends /doing his hobby. We did eat out evening meal together though.

The thing is, on a normal weekday evening he will do his own thing until about 7:30 when the youngest goes to bed and then voluntarily comes to eat and spend time with us. No issues at all. Maybe because I made a ‘thing’ out of Saturday night family time he decided he’d rally against it.
I have no issue with him doing his own thing I just like to see a bit of him because next weekend he’ll be at his dads.

Is he gaming at the weekends?
Usually my SS will game more at the weekends because his friend shave more availability. During the week they are all at various sports (soccer, basketball, rugby etc) at different times.

Let him

I think it’s a bit weird to insist that a teenager spends their weekend evening watching a TV show with their family.

Why would anyone, really, want to spend their evening watching a TV show they aren’t bothered about when they could be doing something they enjoy a lot more? At 14 they naturally want to do more stuff away from the family; it’s part of them growing up and getting more independent. Enforcing ‘family time’ - family time spent doing something which is basically more geared towards the younger kids and which the teenager is probably a bit bored by - is only going to breed resentment for the eldest ones in the family. Let them choose. Fine to insist everyone eats together, but other than that, let your son choose how he spends his leisure time.

Great podcast here

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-let-them-theory-a-life-changing-mindset-hack/id1646101002?i=1000614815209

I completely understand that you want to see more of him, but I think you need to adapt to the fact that it’s very natural and normal for teenagers to want to see less of their parents as they get older. It’s part of growing up.

YANBU. Sometimes teenagers have something weighing on their mind or are stressed and it comes out as bad tempered behaviour. Sometimes they have no idea why the feel off, they just do. When mine are like that I leave them be and just make sure to check in with them with the offer of food/snacks. Forcing them to be social with family rarely works and just makes them worse. Don’t poke the bear I say!

Let him do his own thing, you are right not to insist @frostynicks

How does he generally get on with his half sibling?

That could be something to keep an eye on?

Very true. It’s a natural part of growing up for them to move away from family time.

My 14 year old daughter is like this most days, I wish it was just now and again and it would be more acceptable! I try to catch some time with her when she is receptive and we do watch tv together many evenings just me and her, but a lot of the time she wants to hang out in her room and chat to her friends online. Or she’ll come down and watch something with me once her sibling has gone to bed (partly because sibling is quite a bit younger and can’t watch what she wants to watch as it’s not age appropriate - and partly because she finds her extremely irritating). We have accepted that sometimes she doesn’t want to hang out with us, and that’s fine she can do her own thing it’s better for everyone when she’s in that mood!

There is no pleasure in forced family time. Respect his autonomy and take the pressure off. Let him do his thing. If he does choose to pop down and sit with the family, don't make a big deal out of it.

Id leave him be. Wanting to spend more time in his room or talking to friends is normal at this age. Talk to him at dinner instead. Don't worry about the grumpiness, they are growing and changing. It has an affect on how he feels. Like having your period/menopause etc. These things affect the way you feel. I grump back at mine. We grumble through it together!

Teens are allowed to be grumpy sometimes, or sad, or just not particularly chatty, just as adults are. You shouldn't have to always be on your best behaviour in a family situation.

I have a 14 year old DD too, we do have family time but sometimes she just wants her own space and watch something in her room. I think a balance is fine

There is a big age gap so not a lot in common. He can’t really be arsed with younger sibling in general which is fine. I get it. I really do let him do his own thing most of the time and don’t insist that we spend that much time together as I accept due to the age gap there’s not going to be a lot of common interests we can all do together. He did go back and game for a bit last night and then came and watched a film with us once littlest was in bed. Balance is key I suppose. It’s hard as they get older and drift off.

I think it's important to recognise as well when kids have 2 homes that their "free time" is condensed even more. For example, you said that next weekend you won't see him as he'll be at his Dad's... so him spending one evening of your weekend together seems alot whereas if he was at your house 24/7 you probably wouldn't notice it as much

It's tough. Also, younger half siblings are apparently "Soooo Annoying" and these teens think they were never whiney clingy toddlers or kids 😂

This, it's a healthy part of their development to start spending time away from their family to gain independence. Think back to your teenage years, would you have wanted to spend forced time watching a program you didn't like with siblings you find annoying? Surely it's counterproductive having family time if it isn't enjoyable.

I spent most of my teenage years either in my bedroom or with friends and was pretty much left to it! It was fine, I'm very close to my parents still!