Would you feel the same or am I the issue?

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I feel like I’m constantly in some sort of strange dynamic with my parents but specifically my mum.

Bit of context, I’m late 30s, split with ex a few years ago and we have a 6 year old. I do 90% of parenting due to ex’s work.

I have a sibling who has two children, she’s married.

its hard to summarise it all in one go but one of the main things is that my mum seems to be in a cycle of disliking either me or my sister at any given time. When my sister has done something she doesn’t like, I can tell before my sister even tells me because my mum is more affectionate and chatty and friendly with me. Then, if I’ve done something she doesn’t like (more on this below), suddenly it’s my sister who is in the good books and she’s really close with my sister. Both me and sister have recognised this.

Anyway, I’ve started to feel like I’m a bit bullied by her which is ridiculous really as I’m almost 40. I do know I need to have boundaries and not let it bother me so much but sometimes I do despair and wonder if it’s me? Example, they look after dd for 3 hours on a Tuesday when I work slightly later. This is their choice and I pay for an after school club so it’s totally
optional for them to have her. Last Tuesday I arrived to collect dd and stayed for a little bit, being polite more than anything, then said we had to go. I needed to do dinner, sort bath and bedtime and had work and school the next day. Dd as usual was messing about and playing and running round and I said right look we need to go now, at which point my mum starts telling me im upsetting dd and starts engaging in more games with dd which obviously made it even more difficult to leave. I was getting more annoyed and asked if she could please respect that I have things to do to be ready for work and school again tomorrow. It was abundantly clear my mum was furious about this and was very cold and off with me as I got dd in the car. Dad said goodbye as usual and didn’t say anything but equally wouldn’t stand up to mum though I could tell he was trying to be nice.

Then what follows is passive aggressive texts for instance not putting kisses or not speaking at all for a few days. She won’t ignore me if I text but she’ll be extremely short with me.

Another example was I was unable to visit on Mother’s Day as I was feeling unwell. We had no plans to visit anyway. I messaged her and said I would bring her presents in the week, she said fine. Was a bit off. Then when I saw them there was a card and present on the table (card not written in and present unwrapped).I don’t think it was there intentionally but I noticed it and said oh that’s nice what’s that for. She said it was for me but I hadn’t come over on Mother’s Day so she didn’t get dd to write the card as the day had been and gone. Obviously they’re not obliged to get a card at all on DD’s behalf but I was left thinking how weird it was not to give that to me because I was unwell on Mother’s Day so couldn’t see them?!

There’s loads of stuff like this. It would take forever to write and I’ve written loads already. I don’t even know if it makes sense or I’ve explained it properly. I feel permanently stressed and unsure around her. Is this me?! Maybe im reading into things. I do have anxiety so it’s possible im making more of this than needs to be.

God she sounds like hard work. If it were me I'd have as little contact as possible and just ignore her when she's putting you in her bad books. At least you and your sister both see what's happening and don't let it affect your relationship with eachother. I can't stand that kind of passive aggressive bullshit so I'd have to say something of it were me but I understand that some people don't have the kind of relationship where that's a possibility.

@Devilsmommy we have had a lot of rows in the past but she always makes me feel like I’m in the wrong.

It has affected mine and my sister’s relationship but I know deep down my sister feels the same way about her and how difficult she can be.

its hard to summarise it all in one go but one of the main things is that my mum seems to be in a cycle of disliking either me or my sister at any given time. When my sister has done something she doesn’t like, I can tell before my sister even tells me because my mum is more affectionate and chatty and friendly with me. Then, if I’ve done something she doesn’t like (more on this below), suddenly it’s my sister who is in the good books and she’s really close with my sister. Both me and sister have recognised this.

My mum used to do this exact thing with my brother and me. If she phoned one of us up and was nice to us or invited us round for dinner, the first thing we did after the call was call the other one to ask what they'd done!

We have no idea if she ever actually did it (because we're both written out of it now), but she frequently told us she'd visited her solicitor to have one of us written out of her Will and that the other was getting everything.

It was a pattern of triangulation that she'd established when we were young and continued until we went nc with her in our 30s.

There was a lot more to it than that, obviously, and there probably isn't enough space on the Internet for me to list it all.

But, no, it's not you. And I'd also suggest that your anxiety is linked to your relationship with her.

@GreyCarpet thank you so much for sharing. Why do you think they do it? I don’t really get the objective behind it. It also seems a really weird thing to do with your own children

I wish I had an answer for you. I really do.

I'm approaching the 14th anniversary of being nc. I haven't sent her since I was 37.

My brother and I aren't really close. We were almost closer when we were in the thick of it when we were trying to make sense of it. My husband and I split up shortly after going nc for reasons directly related to the reasons for going nc.

We wasted so many years deconstructing and theorising about her behaviour and trying to understand. Personality disorder? Hierarchical self-esteem? Low self-worth? Covert narcissism?

We don't have an answer and we never will. But we wasted so much time - decades trying to make sense of it when it just didn't make sense.

I'm not going to advise going nc because it's a very personal decision and a very personal journey but what I will say is this.

The depth of the impact of her behaviour on us really only became apparent when she was no longer in our lives and 14 years later it's something I live with every day. As does my brother. We'd love to be close but, at the same tme, we're a painful reminder to each other of the past and we each carry our own wounds and scars..

@GreyCarpet thank you so much for your helpful post x

Blowing hot and cold is toxic behaviour. It isn't you.
Might be worth trying to find a common approach with your sister.