AIBU to think my friend should visit family despite ill husband?

[Difissimo]

Bob 88 and Sue 64 have been married for 20 years. Bob has no children, Sue has 2 adult children and one grandchild that live a few hours away.

It's not been a super happy marriage, they've plodded along but come close to divorce a few times. Bob can be a bit selfish and want Sue all to himself but Sue wants to see children as much as she can. Sue is also a bit of a people pleaser and has probably stayed as it felt like easier option and she didn't have confidence to go it alone.

18 months ago Bob was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and has been slowly going down hill. Sue has been main carer/ advocate ar appointments and traveled to see children less due to Bob being more frail and Bob has become quite reclusive since diagnosis and doesn'twant to go out much anymore.

Doctors are only talking in vague euphemisms (Bobs preference) so Sue not sure how long Bob has left or what is the reality of the situation but obviously it's not good.

Bob spends days sat in silence around the house, doesn't really chat to Sue much and is sleeping a lot. Sue feels isolated, like she's 'living in a morgue' and upset she can't see relatives. They come down when they can but don't stay over like before in case it disturbs Bob. Sue suggested having a close relative stay for two days to help him so she could go and visit grandchild but Bob didn't want that. So she didn't go. She worries time is slipping away for her too and at the moment she can only be a recluse in the house with Bob.

He doesn't want to 'make memories' or anything like that. Wven a short day out to enjoy somethingtogether. These are his final months and it is just all shut in the house waiting for next call from doctors or visit for Macmillan.

I'm a friend of Sue's and she's been telling me about this situation for a while now. Mainly to vent but also to ask for advice. It's a horrible situation, Bob is obviously not doing well although he's still mobile and not bedridden. Her mental health is clearly suffering and given it wasn't the happiest of marriages to begin with, this whole thing probably just adds a lot of resentment.

Sometimes I want to tell her to suck it up, she's not the one dying and she needs to be caring and compassionate with Bob. Other times, I don't blame her for feeling resentful, she basically cooped up in the house all the time and she should try and find a way to visit family while HER health is still OK.

I don't suppose anyone has advice?

I'm never sure what to say to Sue these days. My only experience of terminal Illness was a friend 15 years ago who lived life to the full til the end and was still chatty in herself even when she was suffering.

Could her family not come and meet her locally so she can see them for an hour or two?

Can the family travel to her, but afford a holiday cottage (these exist in none typical holiday areas) or a premier Inn style place. Then Sue can see her family for a couple of hours each day, but not disturb Bob too much?

Surely this is what respite care is for.

I'd be encouraging her to get out and about, especially at this stage when Bob is still mobile himself so I'm assuming is still able to feed himself, use the bathroom etc. It doesn't have to be for long and though she isn't the one with cancer, her health matters too.

It is Bob's choice if he wants to spend his last months cooped up in the house but he doesn't get to make that choice for Sue.

The only options I can see is that her family travel to Sue’s area, stay locally and she sees them for a few hours each day, or she stays with Bob and does exactly what he wants, or she puts her foot down, tells Bob that she needs a break before she burns herself out, and he has a choice of a family member coming to stay, or a carer popping in and out while she’s away, but that she will be going.

You make it seem like Bob is still doing ok, so I think she should go & see her family (& do more locally) Bob can choose to have some help while she!s not there, or not, up to him.

if he isn't as able as I am understanding she can just tell him she's going & she can arrange a or b to help him, which does he choose? (Or another workable option) if he says none. She can just say that's not an option, you choose which, or I will choose.

But it sounds like she won't & probably just needs to vent about it.

I’d be involving carers for respite

Bob not wanting to 'make memories' is entirely reasonable, he's nearly 90, ill and dying. It is also reasonable, in fact essential, for Sue to take care of herself and have some space , especially to see family and friends for support and a break.

Bob is 88. It is quite common for elderly people with significant medical issues and approaching end of life to do little other than sleep. He’s presumably in pain and struggling in general so hardly likely to be the chattiest of people and also probably doesn’t have much to chat about. It isn’t like he does anything to talk about. “Making memories” at 88 is a bit unrealistic. If Sue needs a break and Bob needs someone with him 24/7 then she’ll need to pay for carers or he will need to go into a home for respite care for a couple of weeks. It costs about £1500 a week (although more for 24/7 home care). Sue can then in theory go away but be aware that in most cases the spouse who has been performing the caring role will take quite some time to get used to not being there for the person in care and may well feel they have to visit every day anyway.

This

The patient has to accept respite. MIL declared she wasn't to be left alone for a minute, for the last 6 months of her life. Refused respite and kicked up a fuss if FIL wanted to go out, even for a few minutes.

FIL was lucky DH is local so could relieve him just to go to an appointment or buy groceries. DH actually moved in with them (unhappily) as it was unworkable as MIL wanted to be at home. It only lasted one night as MIL was carted off to hospital that first night.

Our young DC & I barely saw DH, to the point they stopped asking about him, and towards the end DH was at work or the hospital, relieving FIL just so he could go home to shower. That last leg was for two months. It was hell. We couldn't do anything, and it was draining, isolating & exhausting. I cried with relief when she died. I can see how hard it was for them, and utterly selfish of MIL, but it's hard to say no.