WIBU to pat strangers’ heads?

[JakeyRolling]

My toddler daughter Is blessed with blonde curls.
I take a great deal of care to look after them properly (so far is appropriate for her age).

But there’s a certain group - usually old people, and a lot of them men - who think it’s appropriate to touch her head.

Neither she nor I get any say in this - they just do it.

WIBU to just start patting their heads back? In the spirit of non- consensual contact.

I’m sure there’s many people will tell me that it’s harmless, but I never want her to feel she can’t say no to someone doing something to her that she doesn’t want and hasn’t agreed to - as far as I’m concerned, you can never start teaching them too early.

I was one of those children that was always made to kiss and cuddle relatives and I hated it.

Keep your hands to yourself!

She's not a zoo animal.

Do not let anyone do that. It's extremely inappropriate and scary for the kid to have strangers touching her

I’d maybe try to teach her to say something simple like ‘no, don’t touch me’ if someone does touch her. Just a simple phrase she can repeat if she doesn’t feel comfortable.
I think that would be a shock to adults and you won’t then have to resort to being physical yourself.
You could just pat their hands away gently instead?

[edited after seeing the edited response to the first reply.] I agree.

OP - I would not pat back, just intercept the hand in mid air, if you can, and say "no, thank you."

I was one of those children like you too, @JakeyRolling - I hated the forced kisses and cuddles I had to dole out. And the other side too - being held still while an unwanted kiss and cuddle was bestowed upon me by relatives or parents' friends was deeply unpleasant, and the inability to defend my little DB from the same occasionally haunts me still.

I hated people rubbing my belly without permission when I was pregnant, one day i was so fed up and hot and huge and hormonal I reached out and sort of wobbled the stomach of the next person who did it (happened to be a colleague). It didn't go down well 😬 but her face was a picture (I still laugh sometimes remembering) and nobody (in work at least) did it again!

I have a son with beautiful copper hair- it’s really quite an unusual colouring of red- older people do sometimes reach out to stroke it in a sort of ‘rub the penny for luck ’ sort of way. I don’t know how else to explain it. He’s quite proud of it and has never expressed an indignation over this so I haven’t either. If he minded (and he’d not hold back in telling me) it would be different, although you don’t always know it’s going to happen. It’s benign in my opinion so I’ve not seen much cause to get confrontational about it.

My DD had hair that formed ringlets and everyone commented on it and touched it. From a young age she would give people a sort of disappointed but confused frown, and say ‘it’s just hair’ in a really condescending way. I was very proud!

Not everyone knows that it’s no longer acceptable. Say something or don’t, but people used to do this all the time and don’t know they shouldn’t now.

That said, I hate being touched by anyone so I do get it’s annoying

If she doesn't like it, then support her to communicate that. If she doesn't care, then don't make an unecessary drama out of it.

Not reasonable at all, I know it might feel uncomfortable to correct them at first but you will get used to doing it and it’ll stop feeling uncomfortable. I’m quite short, and astoundingly at 30 some people still pat my head when referencing my height. I now just look them dead in the eye and say ‘why on earth did you do that?’ and I don’t care if it makes them feel awkward anymore.

How do these people randomly get close enough to touch her? Is it people you no? I don’t think strangers ever managed to touch my toddler without permission. People are so rude

Keep your hands to yourself random stranger.
Some bloke tried to pat my stomach when I was pregnant, I told him if he did it I'd smack him one. He complained he was 'only being friendly and wanting to pat the little one' WTAF. Just fuck of with the unwanted touching of any kind.

This really made me laugh!

People used to try to touch my daughter's textured hair and say things like I just wanted to see what it felt like. So I tend to have a strong response to that.

We're taught in kindergarten to keep your hands to yourself. Adults should be able to do that and not scare kids and pet them like animals.

I remember desperately wanting to do this and not quite having the nerve!

Quite easily when she’s in a shopping trolley

How bizarre! Probably didn’t happen to mine because they were such screaming banshees in trolleys (they still hate shopping now). If you don’t pat their heads back maybe run over their toes with the trolley

I would physically stop them or shout at them to not touch her. I absolutely hate being touched without being asked or knowing the person and I would feel the same if someone tried touching my DDs without asking permission off them.

You need to model body autonomy for her, teach her by example that it is not acceptable to allow people to do this.

"Please don't touch my child"

Teach her to say "don't touch me, I don't want to be touched"

You will get comments back, these men don't like to be told what to do but it doesn't matter, you need to protect your DD and help her protect herself.

I had managed to restrain myself every occasion before then, but it was as if someone temporarily took over my body, just instinctively reached over 🙈 Literally the second after I'd done it and saw her horrified face I thought 'Oh shit, shouldn't have done that!'

She did actually complain about it to HR but when I pointed out she had done the exact same thing to me first they didn't really have a leg to stand on, so just sent out a very badly worded email about bodily autonomy/inappropriate touching to the whole workforce, which obviously made the whole thing sound far dodgier and resulted in a load of speculation!

I was very glad when I went off on maternity soon after. My team still tease me about it occasionally now. Thankfully that colleague has since left (she pretty much avoided me until she did!)

DD2 is not blonde but she was/ is a very beautiful girl. She had big pink cheeks, huge blue eyes, endless eyelashes etc.

Once a man approached her and tried to chuck her under the chin, and she announced very sternly,

"We aren't friends, you know - more like acquaintances."

She was about 4.5 and goodness knows where she learnt that word, but it did stop him right in his tracks!

Her other go-to response was barking loudly at people.

She doesn't take any shit, that girl!

She complained to HR! That’s some brass neck on her

No, as an adult I've be far more inclined to use words and tell them not to do it.