AIBU to refuse in-laws’ house deposit money due to likely strings and MILs previous behaviour

[ThatZippyWasp]

Posted before about my DH’s parents offering to contribute towards our house deposit and wanted to update. The situation is worse now but I’m hoping with time things settle.

We’re currently house hunting in SW London. We’ve saved hard over the last 4 years while renting and have around a 30% deposit for a £1.5m house. We’ve put offers in on two 6 bed houses we like this week.

For context before people jump on that – we have 2 children, I’m pregnant with our third, we have 2 cocker spaniels. We also just want a family home with space because DH and I work from home 3 times a week and we’d also like a decent garden.

DH’s parents offered us around 400k , which would have meant we could almost buy outright/pay our mortgage faster. On the surface that sounds amazing, but I was very uncomfortable with it for a few reasons:

• DH and I have worked really hard to save and want to do this ourselves
• His parents have refused to help his siblings in the past, despite being able to
• It doesn’t feel like a “no strings attached” gift – historically, any help comes with reminders/expectations

After discussing it, DH agreed and told his parents we didn’t want the money and that we’d prefer if they saved it for all the grandchildren instead.

This did not go down well.
MIL in particular took issue and questioned why I was being “difficult” and why we wouldn’t just accept the gift. She then asked to “have a chat” with me to get to the bottom of it.

I explained (politely at first) that we’re grateful for the offer but we’re not comfortable accepting it and that should be enough. She kept pushing, and it turned into a bigger confrontation than I’d have liked. I essentially said that if the money is so important for them to give away, they could support their other children or donate it, but we don’t want it.

For further context:

• DH is very much the favourite child
• We’ve actually helped his sister financially when his parents wouldn’t
• MIL has a pattern of “helping” but then repeatedly bringing it up afterwards. We have never taken money from them. An example was, DHs friend r got married last sept, DH and I needed child care we were searching like 2 months before as we wanted to make sure they were DBS checked, had experience etc, we found one she was lovely have over 15 years experience, we met her etc and we were about to book her the DHs parents mainly mum decided she wants to bond with our boys and will look after them I was hesitant but said yes. She looked after them the boys have a great time, only for their grandma to constantly bring it up to DH and i anytime we disagree with something, ‘oh we looked after your boys so you guys could go get pissed at your friends wedding’ even when it doesn’t fit the context. It’s the constant reminder.
• DH is now increasingly fed up with her behaviour and backed me up
• I have always got on with DHs parents but always kept a distance. I’ve seen the sibling dynamic and never wanted to be in the middle of that. I’m lucky enough that I come from a pretty chill family, it helps that my parents were just regular people, mum worked at John Lewis for a long time and Dad did various things they’re just very down to earth people compared to my in laws.

Things are quite tense. MIL clearly thinks I’m the problem, whereas from my perspective I’m just setting boundaries.

So… am I being unreasonable for refusing the money and wanting to be independent?

My parents and ILs are exactly the same. It’s just not worth it. We’ve never accepted anything from them for this reason.

I think you are wise to refuse help from people who are likely to drag it up out of the black museum at every opportunity. When I left home to get my first place my grandmother offered to gift me the money. I told her I would only take it as a loan because I knew it would cause a family row otherwise. When it came to paying her back the agreed installment was transferred to her bank each month as soon as I was paid. I did not feel comfortable spending any other money until I had paid over that sum.

If you accept the money you will he henceforth treading on eggshells. She may well want to HELP when it comes to choosing, rennovating and decorating a house which will n longer feel like your own. Not to mention how many times she feels free to come visit without notice.

We took money from PILs to help with our deposit, but paid them back as soon as we could. But if you can buy without their money I wouldn't take it for that, you could say you'll put it in trust for your children if you don't want to refuse the money point blank and upset them. It does sound like a very generous offer even if you suspect the motives.

Was in a similar situation when my in laws and husband’s grandparents offered to pay for our privately funded IVF. We politely declined as, although it was an incredibly generous offer, we were both adamant it was for us to sort and pay for.

The difference was my in laws and husband’s grandparents were very gracious about it, and said the money was there if we ever needed it. No interrogations, no sit downs, no trying to convince us otherwise. I’d have been mortified if MIL or GIP had sat me down to “have a chat” about it. Sounds like your in-laws lack some boundaries, and your MIL does not sound like the kind of person I’d want to take £400k off of - YANBU.