School mentioned expulsion - WWYD?

[Receptive1]

need some honest perspectives here please…
DS 12, has autism and FPD and has not been enjoying secondary school as it’s generally overwhelming due to his needs, but we are taking it a day at a time and getting there. Today he came home upset after being accused of using a derogatory term towards another pupil in his class. He strongly denies this, and while no child is perfect, dishonesty is not one of his traits. He generally finds lying confusing and pointless due to his autism.
He said the teacher told him that it could not be proved either way ir
it happened or not, but that such an incident could potentially lead to exclusion. As a parent, this is obviously very serious, and I haven’t received any direct communication from the school about what was reported or how it was handled.
I’m particularly concerned about how my son would be protected if further allegations from this child are made in the future. Should I contact the school, and if so to say what? Secondary school is a new world to me as had this happened in primary I’d definitely have been made aware of it at the end of the day at pick up. TIA.

Executive functional processing disorder

All of this op.

So helpful, thank you. He is already on SENCO radar for his autism/ FPD so I’ll call tomorrow to ask for help/clarity. I do worry if there are more accusations/ allegations it could become very serious.

In my school it would likely be a one day (internal or external) suspension.

I agree. Best to be proactive to put his side across.

Sounds like there is no action being taken against your son because the teacher acknowledges that it is a he said/she said situation and was simply stating the seriousness of using such language
Not sure there is anything you need to do 🤷‍♀️

I state first and foremost that I am biased here. Hear me out - it’s just my opinion on life….

There are people in life who pick up on autistic people vibes without even knowing it. It’s almost like they have a radar. They don’t even know they are targeting autistic people - it’s completely unconscious. These people are often suffering from low self-esteem or inadequacy or have a difficult home life, but cover it up with bravado or talk. They gravitate towards unkind behaviour towards autistic people because they don’t get push back as they would from someone else. Auststic peopke are a bit of a pushover, even if not openly autistic.

autistic people will struggle with reading between the lines or warding off people looking for a bit of a dopamine hit. They often assume good intent from another far longer than anyone else.

i believe that autistic people seem more prone to subliminal bullying like this.

again, just my opinion as I work my way through life. The bullying is never direct. It’s always quite subtle to the point where I am not sure the perpetrator is always aware.. Hurt people hurt people etc etc

i would stand your ground and have it on record. I hope your son is ok.

What would your stance be if you knew the other kid had made it up (and did so knowing it would be she said/she said scenario) but couldn’t prove it?

I don’t want to derail the thread but it is driving me mad trying to figure out what the slur is…anyone help?

From your posts OP, I think the teacher was trying to emphasis to your son, how serious the school takes using derogatory terms. Your son isn't going to be excluded, over an incident that can't be proven.

However, I do think you need to speak to your son's HOY or SENCO, because your son, hasn't understood what the teacher meant. It's clear that your son thought he IS being excluded, for an incident that he's adamant he didn't do. Your son has taken the teachers comments literally, which is probably due to his Autism.

I think it’s a disablist word for someone with Down syndrome @Haveyouanyjam

“M””g" is considered offensive because it is a shortened, derogatory slur derived from obsolete medical terms like "Mongolian idiocy" or "Mongolism," which were formerly used to describe Down syndrome.

It mocks individuals with intellectual disabilities and is deeply offensive, rooted in outdated, discriminatory, and racist terminology.

Disability Slur: Historically,, medical terms such as "Mongolian" or "Mongoloid" were used to describe people with Down syndrome, based on an incorrect, racist association between the physical features of the syndrome and the ethnic, Mongolian people.

(From Google Gemini)

You say your son has autism. Does school understand his difficulties? Do they make adjustments for him? Does he get extra help?

Imo the incident you mention is a red herring. The bigger issue is the way staff understand and help your son and communicate with you.

This absolutely fits, my son struggles to read social cues/ can’t tell when people are taking the mickey etc. he’s kept himself to himself so far and spends break and lunch in the library so it seems so out of character for him to say such a thing to a boy he has nothing to do with. Impossible? No. But it would be so out of character. I’m nervous if next week this other boy says my son called him it again, or one of his friends says similar, it could lead to my son being excluded despite having done nothing wrong 😢

They all seem very kind and know he has it but it’s a huge school, mainstream, 33 per class and I just don’t think they have the time to get to know pupils individually. He has a PSA who scribes for him in English and maths. This alleged incident took place between classes when my son was on his own.

I think you need to get the school to do more proactively. Are you in England? You may need to speak to the senco.

Could your son have misunderstood what was said or it was said by someone other than a teacher? The term expelled isn’t used in schools anymore, it’s called permanent exclusion these days.

Have just been through similar (false accusations, but luckily he had backup from those around him and cctv showed he hadn't been near the accuser the 2nd accusation and they'd made it up) with my autistic son. He's had a rubbish start to Y7, so many nasty kids target him because he's different and enjoy winding him until he gets so upset he starts self harming. This is very worrying, as you say, it could affect his future. You need to write to HOY to discuss this incident, state you believe this is false allegations and ask how they will safeguard your son from serious false allegations in the future. Unlikely they'll put anything in writing, so follow up any call or meeting with an email.

They need to keep the kids separate and get a message out to all staff to keep an eye on the situation. My son has a 5 min early pass to avoid being in busy corridor as he is targeted a lot there too. It hasn't solved all the problems, but has helped.

sorry, think I’m showing my age here 😂I think he did use the word excluded rather
Than expelled

Chances are there will be witnesses and if there is any need for punishment, students are taken to one side and asked to write statements. If this is a first offence my guess it would be some time in isolation, at which point the parent is called. If there is no substantial evidence, then parents would not be called. Students often exaggerate what was said, or misunderstand. If student then continues to use such language, then the next step could be a fixed term exclusion. Parents are always called in at this stage.

Exclusión can be temporary. Suspended.
Permanent. Expelled.
I would bet the staff member was explaining how important it was for your child not to use a term like this. NOT accusing them of doing so and saying they could be excluded. If that makes sense.

If they'd expelled boys at my school for using terms like this there might not have been many of them left!

Is it possible he's heard other people using it and doesn't realise than some people consider it grossly offensive? When I was at school it was basically a synonym for "idiot" and I doubt many people thought about the etymology.

I'd be very surprised if anything happened. A girl who sits next to DS 14 has been caling him a faggot for months, but denied it, so nothing could be done. She slipped up and did it in front of a witness last week who backed him up. Written statements were taken and the upshot is ...she has to move seats, despite threatening to get her brother ( has form) to beat them both up. Schools are pathetically useless.

My 'stance' would be directed towards empowering MY kid. Whether the other kid made it up or not (and I am absolutely not saying he/she wasn't 🤷‍♀️) there was no action taken because there was no evidence either way. The kids got a reminder of the seriousness of the situation which I assume went both ways. In case the kid was making it up, it's important they know what the possible consequences of making a false allegation.

Different story if my kid was in trouble in the same scenario

im Sorry I don’t understand the last sentence.