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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for being concerned about DS 17s body issues?

6 replies

mumofthree1986 · 19/03/2026 16:13

DS is 17. He's not in education or employment at the moment but claims to be job searching daily and hes looking into getting back into formal education as he's finding it hard to self study. As of recent hes been eating a lot of my fridge supply. Part of me wonders if he was eating this much before and that I've just gotten used to buying less now with just me and my 14 Yr old daughter at home (he stays on the weekends.. i buy a few sandwiches and snacks on Friday for him but weve cut down on excess food) but he's increasingly talking about protein, calories, how he needs to eat a certain amount.. He's had a history of mental health issues - he seems to be doing much better generally, maybe its the environment but something has changed- but he's not shown signs of body dysmorphia beyond height in the past and he hasn't historically had eating issues (I'm only worried because my brother is schizophrenic and my sister passed in her 20s from an eating disorder ) .

I've brought him 'creatine' powder in the past after verifying that it wasnt a steroid but I'm not sure what other fitness supplements he's looking into or what type of men are promoting these things. On top of this he's been asking me to purchase lightening soaps and hair dye as of recent. His sister wears coloured contacts and has a skin care routine, I'm not opposed to my son doing the same and it's not a gender thing at all , but the marketing of the products concerns me in combination with racial remarks hes made towards others in the past. He offered to pay me in cash if I ordered these products online for him but I refused and said that he could purchase soap himself.

He's been talking a lot about height as of recent too. There's a family gathering schedueled soon. It's not everyone and the family members that he's had bad experiences with won't be there but he doesn't want to meet his cousins (who he had an excellent relationship with)/ any extended family because he's bitter that my nephew of the same age is a few inches taller. I told him that himself will still grow as he's 17 but he started growing a moustache early for a boy so I do wonder if he's mostly done growing... I've never made DS feel poorly about height, ive never talked poorly about any man because of height from the top of my head, weve never focused on it and hes surrounded by short men albeit my short brothers are a few inches taller than him. The only comment ive made on his height were assurances that he'd grow taller.. when he started wearing cheap rubber height insoles at 15 and I mentioned that his father used to do the same. All of a sudden he's talking about getting leg lengthening abroad and he's stopped asking me to measure him every week. I know nothing about that but it seems extreme. I do think its mostly fantasising and i doubt that he has the foresight to plan that yet. He used to blame me for his genetics and height previously but there's a lot less of that at least..

OP posts:
blankcanvas3 · 19/03/2026 17:33

Creatine is very normal to take if you’re working out - I take it, as does my DS who is the same age as yours. He also watches his protein etc as he’s a big gym goer so that by itself isn’t concerning but paired with the skin bleach and hair dye I can see why you’re thinking he might be having self esteem issues.

Would he be open to some therapy to help tackle his low self esteem? I’ve had an eating disorder for nearly 20 years and it’s helped me immensely.

mumofthree1986 · 19/03/2026 19:16

I've been encouraging counselling but he's not been very receptive. I also wonder if camhs would take him at his age?

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DoAWheelie · 19/03/2026 19:20

He's watching incel stuff online and getting pulled into the manosphere - Watch Louis Theroux new documentary.

It starts with excessive gym and fitness and obsession with height and ends with abusing women. Do what you can to educate yourself and pull him out of it. He's already starting up with the racism that is rife in those circles.

GarlicFound · 19/03/2026 19:25

CAMHS would probably not, but you could discuss it with his GP while he's still technically a minor.

Does he work out? I'm reluctant to suggest this because it can also be an addiction, with the added danger zones of 'enhancing' supplements/drugs which can be harmful. It did help me with my other mental health issues ... but, as an adult, I was alert to signs of irrational commitment. Could be worth a mention, purely for the huge self-esteem boost resulting from becoming stronger and more toned.

Do you know why he wants to be whiter? Does he have any same-skin role models, or are there suitable possibilities?

GarlicFound · 19/03/2026 19:28

@DoAWheelie makes a very strong point. Worrying.

It feels like replacement would be the way forward. I'm afraid I don't know many young men, so no ideas on this. Hoping others MNers will have some!

mumofthree1986 · 19/03/2026 19:39

GarlicFound · 19/03/2026 19:25

CAMHS would probably not, but you could discuss it with his GP while he's still technically a minor.

Does he work out? I'm reluctant to suggest this because it can also be an addiction, with the added danger zones of 'enhancing' supplements/drugs which can be harmful. It did help me with my other mental health issues ... but, as an adult, I was alert to signs of irrational commitment. Could be worth a mention, purely for the huge self-esteem boost resulting from becoming stronger and more toned.

Do you know why he wants to be whiter? Does he have any same-skin role models, or are there suitable possibilities?

Edited

He says that he works out. I brought him adjustable weights/a pull up bar that he still has but I doubt he has a gym subscription . Unless he hasn't mentioned it.

I wonder if an (in person) fitness coach would be a good idea for him but I've no idea how much they'd cost 😬 maybe it'd be an incentive for him to find a job

I have brothers and he used to look up to one of his uncles. Ive considered that one of the issues is that hes denounced our faith and most men from my / his background are religious... Ive seen male infulencers on FB that might also be on Instagram or tiktok/ whatever he uses but I'm not sure if they'd appeal to him. Anyone but Andrew tate would be good though i think..

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