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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dp to invite his mother to our engagement party?

20 replies

YouWillBeDeleted · 17/06/2008 22:35

Dp and I have recently got engaged (been together nearly 2 years, lived together a year) and are planning a big party in a few weeks. Since i've known dp, his mother has been a nightmare, she refuses to acknowledge me when i speak to her, doesn't allow me into her house, tells dp to leave me and puts me down to him, threatens to cut him off from his family for being with me, threw him out of her house when she heard he'd proposed among alot of other things.
She thinks he can do better than someone with 2 children (she hated his last girlfriend as she was to fat) I would love to be able to relax and enjoy our party without being glared at and having dp miserable and don't want her to be invited (she would probably just tear the invite up but on the off chance...) I know its difficult for dp, even tho she treats him appallingly he loves her although he acknowledges she would ruin the night. When he proposed (on stage in front of 100 people lol) the first thing alot of people said was 'what will your mum say' and I want our party to be about us and people being happy for us, not about her and her tantrums for once. Also, our children will be there and I don't want her causing a scene in front of them. So aibu and if not how do i handle this.

OP posts:
LaylaandSethsmum · 17/06/2008 22:38

I don't think yabu she sounds like a nightmare. If she dislikes you so much and disapproves so strongly about your engagement why would she want to be there anyway?

AbbeyA · 17/06/2008 22:45

Could you go and see her together and talk about it calmly? Tell her that you would like to include her in your new life but that you will all have to find a way to get on together because you are not prepared to put up with the upset for the next X years and it is unfair on your DCs. If she isn't prepared to compromise and be a grandmother to your DCs then I wouldn't invite her to the party. Tell her that you are sad she feels that way and the door will be open if she changes her mind. You do need DP to back you up on this,you will have to be blunt.

ravenAK · 17/06/2008 22:48

She does sound like a nightmare.

But otoh, if you're marrying him, she'll be your MIL. & if he loves her, you'll either have to find a way of tolerating each other OR he'll have to cut her out of his life.

Can you ring her & invite her yourself? If she tells you where to stick it, well, you've tried. & it might make her realise that you aren't scared of her, & she'd better accept the situation before she loses her ds altogether?

Original poster
YouWillBeDeleted · 17/06/2008 22:48

I doubt she would come but will make a huge point of turning down our invite and I childishly dont want to give her the satisfaction. She will also make it very difficult for his father (who i get on well with) and his sister and her family to come. She will say they are choosing us over her. Or, she will come and ruin our night
We are planning on getting married in Vegas to avoid the problem of her spoiling the wedding, it means my family wont be there either but its a small sacrifice to make if it means we get to have a peaceful wedding.

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/06/2008 22:50

AbbeyA - I'd go with that, but, I'd get DP to grow a pair and go and do it on his own. I suspect if they went to her together, he'd slink back into the background and it'd look like YWBD was forcing the situation iyswim?

So, DP should go around, with the invite, and say "you are really very welcome to share this special celebration. we'd both love for you to be there and acknowledge our relationship but ONLY if you behave/whatever"

fuzzywuzzy · 17/06/2008 22:50

Send her an invite, but dont put an address on it.... this will only work if the party is held at a venue other than your home.

Original poster
YouWillBeDeleted · 17/06/2008 22:54

She refuses to have a conversation with me. She puts the phone down on me if i call and shuts the door in my face if i go round with dp. I honestly don't want to make the effort with her anymore, i've tried and tried but i don't need the stress. I don't need her to like me all i want her to do is stop upsetting dp. She texts him saying he is a disappointment and that he'll be sorry when shes dead. He goes to visit his dad when she is at work because she is so unpleasant to be around but goes for his dinner on a sunday as he likes to see his nan and nephews. I'm happy as long as we stay out of each others way tbh.

OP posts:
mollysawally · 17/06/2008 22:56

YANBU
My MIL has hated me from the minute I started seeing dp nine years ago.
Not really sure why, I get along really well with the rest of the family, but she has tried many times to split us up, she has accused me of cheating on dp, banned me from her house for two years, physically attacked me on at least three occasions.
Me, like an idiot, kept going back. My dp used to beg and harass me to make peace and not let there be a rift in a family.
Last year I gave birth to our first dc, that changed everything. There was no way I was going to let my dd grow up watching her treating me like that. So for the past 7 months I have been standing up for myself, I have told her she is not allowed to talk to me in that manner, she can't just turn up unannounced at my house (this was after she turned up at 8am on a Sunday morning when dd was only 4 weeks old and barely sleeping at night) and I've picked and chosen when I've visited instead of listening to her demands of when she should go round.
This has resulted in her losing control and going absolutely crazy at me, once when I was holding dd in my arms, she was 5 months old.
Since then me dp and I have decided she is longer part of our life. I am very happy about this and my life is much more relaxed now, just wish I'd done it sooner.

So, my advice is stand up for yourself, don't take any bad behaviour for your dp's sake and don't give her the satisfaction of ruing your night.

(sorry for the long post )

Original poster
YouWillBeDeleted · 17/06/2008 23:02

Dp does stand up for us and tells her to stop as soon as she starts, its just at home that he cries about it. A few weeks ago she put all his old school stuff, photos, drawings etc in a black bag to take to the tip as she was so ashamed of what he was doing... Ironically her daughter also has 2 children from a previous relationship and is engaged to her dp and she thinks he is wonderful for 'taking on' her children.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouWillBeDeleted · 17/06/2008 23:05

I never let her know that she gets to me, i always say hello (not that she ever answers) and buy her a drink at the pub quiz. She hates it because the nicer i am the more stupid she looks when she starts ranting about me to people.

OP posts:
giraffeski · 17/06/2008 23:08

Message withdrawn

Original poster
YouWillBeDeleted · 17/06/2008 23:17

I'm not sure not having a party because shes a bully is the right thing to do. We want to celebrate our engagement with our friends, i don't think thats unreasonable. I hope when i'm a mil i wont act like a controlling tyrant, i think the only ones that will benefit from this is my boys cause i know i'll be making extra effort when they bring home a girlfriend :-)

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 17/06/2008 23:22

Can you not be a bit sneaky here and pick a date that you know she can't manage?
Horrible situation to be in and you can't rely on her not to come - I had similar situation with my wedding last year and a relative I didn't want to be there, but alas he felt he had to "do the right thing" and turned up. Luckily no scenes occurred, not his style.
Or instead of a date she can't manage, what about a venue she can't deal with?

Tortington · 17/06/2008 23:23

its your party - fuck her the twisted old c*nt

mollysawally · 17/06/2008 23:56

Waht custardo said

AbbeyA · 18/06/2008 07:29

I think that you are doing the right thing in being pleasant-it makes her seem very unreasonable if you don't stoop to her level.
Since she is so unpleasant I would get DP to go round and tell her that the marriage is going ahead and that you would like to invite her to the engagement party but only if she is going to be civil and that you both want to go and talk to her. If she won't agree to this then you will have to cut her out of your life. You have to stand up to her or she will continue to cause upset.

BagelBird · 18/06/2008 07:34

I would love to do Custardos one but am a wimp. So, if it were me I would have 2 parties. A small family one - a short lunch out somewhere neutral territory and one you can get away or have something planned to leave at set time. Then enjoy your big party withm all your friends and some family if you want. Phrase it nicely - exclusive one that is quieter to chat etc and then a "younger" party for the children and young adults etc..
As awful as she is, as your kid?s grandmum and dp?s mum, worth trying a little... maybe?

AbbeyA · 18/06/2008 08:15

The problem is that she is not the kid's grandmum and unless she accepts them it is going to make life difficult and very unfair on the DCs-I think they need to get things straight from the start.

jammi · 18/06/2008 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Seashell71 · 18/06/2008 08:27

YANBU. What a cow. Be supportive of your dp, it's obviously hard for him to accept that his mum is, well, rather vile.
All the best!

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