I should probably start with a trigger warning here as I am going to talk a bit about dv.
I am nearly 39 have two children and I have been single for 7 years. I had my son when I was in my early 20s with my boyfriend who I had been with since school who I am still friends with, son is now 16. My sons father and I were more like friends for a long time and decided to split when ds was 3. We have no issues and he has since married someone. I was single a couple of years and then met who I thought was the love of my life. I got pregnant about a year into the relationship and had a daughter with him. I realise now I was massively love bombed at the time and the relationship very quickly became violent, frightening and I became a shell of my former self. This man was very charming to begin with, very good looking, served in the military and I really was madly in love with him. He was obsessed with me which I didn't see as a bad thing at the time I was flattered and enjoyed his attention. Over time he became extremely jealous and controlling, manipulative, and as I said violent. He was very very jealous of my relationship with my son who was only a little boy at the time. He also hated that I got on with my sons dad. He would often start with name calling during arguments which escalated over time to where he was gas lighting me over everything. I am a fairly reserved shy person and I genuinely believed by the end that I was a real piece of work and when I tried to stand up for myself he would fly into a fit of rage and strangle me or throw objects at me or punch me In the arms or other parts of my body. I once showed him bruises he had given me all over my chest and back and he said it wasn't that bad and if he had really laid into me I would be dead and to stop being dramatic etc. I once slapped him because he was calling my son some horrible things and he dived on me strangling me to the point I thought I was going to die. He also held a box of children's books and toys over my head when I was laid on the floor after he attacked me saying all he had to do was let go and he could end me. I feel traumatised just writing this.
These two relationships are the only relationships I have ever been in. Neither a success. And I am worried about bringing another lunatic into the lives of my children. My daughter is actually disabled and has no contact with her dad as I stopped him seeing her due to his behaviour after we split (it wasn't easy getting rid of him) he dragged me through court to see my daughter but he wasn't given contact due to how he behaved throughout the process. He also constantly refused to accept she is disabled and was saying I was manipulating everybody to believe my lies about her disability (apparently I can manipulate and forge an MRI scan)
Anyway back to original point.
It's been 7 years, I have not had sex in that time, I have not been on a single date, I have dipped my toe in the online dating scene recently trying out the apps but not one person I spoke to came across as normal. Hardly makes me want to meet anybody. My daughter takes up most of my free time anyway as it's a routine of hospital appointments and administering medicines and medical equipment etc. she is sleeping better now but for about 5 years she didn't sleep and I was like a walking zombie. I have had to have therapy to get over what happened with my abusive ex and to accept my life is very different now to what it was in my 20s. My 16 year old son is very mature and I don't have any issues with him, he's said he would be happy for me to meet somebody etc. My family on the other hand are a nightmare. They all know I have been through violence but they don't know all the details as they aren't very helpful people and I don't want to discuss it with them. Sometimes I think it's just gossip for them. Over Christmas for example all I kept getting was "why aren't you seeing anybody. Why don't you go online. Why are you wasting your best years. Not all men are bastards. Let's download you some apps. You're so boring. Why don't you stop being so fussy" these comments are constant. One of them asked me if I am a lesbian!! I also have one aunt who is very inappropriate asking me if I miss having sex. Not something I wish to discuss with a relative. The truth is I do miss a bit of intimacy but I am also used to it just being me and the kids and I would honestly be devastated if I gave somebody the time of day and they disturbed our peace. I am constantly back and forth with how I feel about relationships. One minute I think it would be nice to watch a film with somebody on the sofa etc. then I get anxious again and I am repulsed at the idea. I don't know how I could even prioritise a man when I am bringing up a disabled child and my teenage son, childcare is limited for my daughter as not everybody is capable of meeting her needs. Family are starting to drive me mad over it like there's something wrong with me for not going on dates and it's making me paranoid that I am disgusting and nobody will find me attractive anyway. Has anybody else ever lived a similar experience? I am sick of my family making me feel bad over it.