Terrified of living alone

[LittleRed34]

Me and my partner have separated for a while now, should I say ex partner. We have continued to live together, I have just been offered a council home, 70 miles away nearer to my family and friends (I relocated here when my DS was born) he's nearly 4 and has autism and additional needs. I know that this is the right thing to do after years of mental and psychological abuse from my DS dad.

The worries I have is that I am a very anxious person, I've been diagnosed with OCD, and GAD for many years, it's never really been fully managed and I'm an anxious mess most of the time. One of my (my main theme) is being terrified of dying, suddenly, or otherwise, becoming sick, being hurt intentionally by someone etc. I'm terrified to be living alone just me and DS in case something happens to me and there will be no one else in the house or around to help me/look after DS. I live with this worry all the tim anyway, but DS dad is always around or will be here so I feel less anxious. Hope that makes sense.

The thought of being alone and living alone is just so so terrifying to me. I know I need to go for my own sanity but I'm so scared and overwhelmed of th change and the ongoing anxiety I inevitably know it's going to bring. I don't know what to get from this post to be honest. I just felt I needed to share it. How can I get out of this rut. I feel like I'm about to self sabotage and put up with being miserable the rest of my life for the sake of comfort which is so selfish.

You'll be nearer family +
You won't be abused+
A fresh start for you and your child +
Your own home and safe place +
That's just a few of the +points,I have GAD and on 150mg sertraline so I do understand once a train of thought is in motion it's hard to get off it
Wishing you all the best
Hopefully others come along with advice for you.

Could you have an agreement with a friend that they check in with you at the same time every morning so that you will at least know that if some kind of disaster happened your ds would be looked after?

You may find that your general level of anxiety lessens when you are not being mentally and emotionally abused on a daily basis.

you will find ways of coping, you have coped with a lot already so you know you have strength

Wow, this was me a year ago.

What kept me from leaving my abuser for so long, in large part, was the fear of living alone. I had constant anxiety the house would be broken into and this that and the other would happen.

Your brain is in survival mode right now. It is in survival mode because of the abuse. You have made the entirely correct decision to leave this vile piece of shit. Do not go back on that. Because your brain is in survival mode, it is perhaps working on overdrive and thinking shit, but how am I going to survive if xyz happens?

Anxiety can be helpful up until a certain point. This is that point and you need to recognise that. It is useful to remember that you are in more imminent danger staying with this man, than you would be if you were to leave.

Tips for home safety:

Get cameras, where potential offenders can see them but not reach them.

Keep a weapon of some sort close to you or In every room, in a concealed place unreachable by your children.

Get extra locks for you doors.

Get alarms.

Google every possible deterrent for criminals breaking in. Implement them. This helped me a lot to feel safe.

It is highly unlikely you are just going to drop dead at any minute. Thats the abuse and the anxiety speaking. Thats the dysfunctional survival mode trying to come full circle and keep you where you are 'safe', in your comfort zone (which it really isn't, as you have realised).

So many women live alone, and with their kids, too. You can do this. You will be fine. All you can do is your best to prevent these worries you have, by keeping your house secure and keeping yourself healthy. Have faith in yourself. You and your kids are on the cusp of freedom, ready to live a life free from abuse. Dont throw it all away out of fear.

Sending hugs 🫂 cos I know you need them. I've been there. You can do it. Good luck.

This makes sense.
Also you could make the property secure with good door /window locks , a strong door chain and a security camera, then when you are home and at night in your cosy home you can relax knowing how safe and secure you are.
With family and friends nearby your life will become so much more stable and secure.

You know you need to move and you know logically that millions of women are single parents and live alone with their children, even those with additional needs. It sounds like you need to get some help with your anxiety, have you had any kind of treatment?

I think you will probably find, once you are away from your abusive partner, that your confidence will improve and your anxiety will lessen. You are perfectly capable of looking after yourself and your son and you will have family and friends nearby - once you have moved and are living on your own, you will realise that you are doing it, you are capable and each day you will feel stronger. Have faith in yourself, get support from your GP for your anxiety and be proud of yourself that you are strong enough to leave an abusive relationship - that takes real courage 💐

I wonder if you are still very raw emotionally and it contributes to your worries. When you have your own home you can organise it in a certain way and it will be your safe space. At least it’s how I always felt.

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice

Thank you so much for your advice. I've been in a constant survival mode for as long as I can remember. And though, my DS dad has been abusive and manipulative, I've used him as a safety blanket in the sense of having a physical presence around that eases my fears if the death and dying and feeling unsafe. I've had numerous therapies and meds over the years but the anxiety remains.

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I feel like such a big baby right now.

Far from it,new beginnings are nerve wracking at the best of times
Wishing you and your son all the best.

You're welcome, I love seeing women do what's right by themselves and their kid/s. You are doing brilliantly, don't be scared. It gets so much better

I'm another one who is here to say that moving anywhere is scary, and it feels like a lot of hassle, but it is usually worth it in the end! Your anxiety will lessen once you are away from the mental and psychological abuse from your ex-partner. I'm glad that you have already acknowledged that you will probably feel less anxious without your ex-partner around. Are there any steps that you could put into place to protect yourself and your DS when you move?

If you're afraid of being hurt intentionally, the best thing to do will be to be proactive in securing your house, e.g. chains on the door, padlocked gates, CCTV (if it is an affordable option) and so on. Keep in touch with local friends and family, and try to build relationships with your new neighbours. While it's going to be scary with all of those new people around, some people are worth their weight in gold. Perhaps some of them might have been in a similar position to you. I imagine that you're also worried about how your DS will cope with the change, but he will need stability and comfort, just like you, in your new house.

Do what you can when you get there. You don't have to unpack everything right away. Some things can wait. Do try to establish a routine that will settle you and your DS as quickly as you can, though. You do not have to put up with being miserable for the rest of your life. You've been made miserable for so long by someone who has tried to bring you down. Please don't let them win!

Are you on any mood suppressants or anti-depressants, OP? If not, that might help, even if it's just a fairly short-term coping mechanism (I was on sertraline for a while, and now on something else).

Good luck!

Thank you for your advice and kind words. I hope my anxiety and fears will lessen but right now just the thought of the big change makes me feel sick. I guess, I've been so used to living as I have that it's just become normal to me and comfortable if that makes sense? It took me a long time to realise I was actually being abused.

I don't take any medication currently, sounds so silly, but I have such a fear of side effects and taking medication that I can't bring myself to, even though I know logically it would help me.

@LittleRed34 I understand. I had an abusive parent, so that was my version of normal for a long time. It sounds awful to a lot of people, but it was a relief when he died, because he wasn't there to keep making us miserable all of the time! We were all so used to living on eggshells and waiting for a bomb to go off that it was odd to be able to sit down in the house without being made to feel uncomfortable.

I also put off being on medication for the same reasons as you! The first time I took anything was after a nervous breakdown due to overwhelming stress and anxiety at work. I didn't get on with propranolol at all, so when I could feel myself teetering on the edge again, I was very clear with the doctor that while I couldn't cope, I was not having propranolol again, because it made me ill. Sertraline was OK for me, but apparently it made one of my neighbours 'psycho', so what works for one person is very different for another! I'm now on a low dose of amitriptyline, more as a trial to control migraines, but I feel a lot calmer already, and as if I can't get stressed anymore.

Well done on splitting from an abusive relationship, that takes strength and courage. You’ve gotten some great advice and support already, and I hope you can take the next step and move away. It feels very daunting and overwhelming right now but deep down you know it’s for the best. It’s hard to step outside of your comfort zone and change is hard. Fear of the unknown can keep us stuck, but nothing changes until something changes. Grab this opportunity with both hands and life for you and your child will improve so much. I wish you the very best 🤗

Well done for splitting and moving near family and friends I am sure your mental health will benefit! OCD is so hard, have you had any therapy at all? People who don’t understand don’t get just how “irrational” the thoughts are and just how much they can consume you. I have a friend with it and therapy has helped her a lot. Lots of other practical advice here but I’ll tell you I lived alone as a lone parent for many years, it’s was very peaceful, I loved it.