To find it hard to not compare even though I know it is so utterly pointless

[Enchanted82]

I’m early 40s and I really should know better but two things I constantly compare are:

Other people ( esp younger people) who seem to have far more money to spend on holidays/cars etc

other families who seem to have wonderful relationships with their entire family including in-laws. ( example- friend who celebrates Mother’s Day with siblings and mother and MIL). Not only do both our mothers lived hours away, they would never want to celebrate together! Sad we don’t have that family dynamic

what mantras do you have to help you deal with these silly invasive thoughts?

Think of all the things in your life that others might not have and you do.

And get off social media.

These two reminders keep me sane.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I was once outraged to find out that a colleague (lovely woman) was on a higher salary, with fewer qualifications and experience. Then she died 6 months later, very suddenly. We never know what’s waiting around the corner for us or anyone else.

I felt like you in my 40s, now I’m 20 years older I look back at that time and feel sad that I wasted unnecessary emotional energy on false comparisons with others. In reality you are just looking in at the outside of people’s relationships, and many of them will have all sorts of tensions and complications which you are unaware of.
Many of the people I knew at the time ended up going through messy divorces, having complex & difficult relationships with in-laws, children going through crisis, or in terrible debt because they didn’t have enough income to fund their lifestyles.
I think women become a bit more honest as they get older and 30s&40s is a period where people like to put on an outward show of having successful lives whilst having darker things really going on.

Via social media it's much more in peoples' faces than it used to be. Ignorance can be bliss, lol.

Ive had these feelings a lot constant comparing abd being jealous of what others have.

Theb I got pretty sick in 2024.

Now I have decided to create my own experiences and cultivate the life I want. I book experiences, find something fun and enjoyable in the every day, reconnect with people, work on relationships and friendships. I picked up hobbies, do the things I love and I stay off the socials.

What kind of life do you want?

Agree with PP, comparison is the thief of joy and sometimes all is not as it seems anyway.

No body has a life that is perfect and you only see a fraction of what's really going on anyway.

Envy is a wasted emotion - it does nothing for you. Focus more on getting the most out of your life & enjoying it as much as you can within the constraints of your circumstances.

What do you have that others you know (or don’t know) do not have ?

Get off social media to start with. Seriously.

It is very old fashioned but I count my blessings. I start with the absolute basics and before long I am feeling quite jolly.

I actually don’t know anyone personally whose complete life I would swap with. I might want As house, Bs career, Cs extended family, DS relationship. But nobody really has it all. I’m very lucky and fortunate in everything I have.

Thank you for the replies, lots of really positive important messages that I have found useful.

it isn’t in fact social media as I stay away, it’s what people tell me directly, like how they are going on their 5th holiday of the year or all their family are super close, always hanging out, in laws fab etc ( unfortunately I have many family issues and strained relationship between in laws and parents so probably just find this triggering as I would love all my family to get on)

I also totally agree regarding counting your blessings. I do this every day and am so grateful to be well, for my little family to be ok and also to be so grateful we are all together at the end of the day ❤️

We don't choose our hand. We just play the one we're dealt the best we can. The game is long and you don't know until the end how much you'll win.
Never compare up. The only comparisons to make are with yourself. Where you are, how far you've come and where you hope to be.

Im older, 57 and I resonate with you at times. Id love a good, healthy relationship with the IL's that not based on their overbearing attitude and their assumption that I need help and a lot of advice to live my life. But I thought of myself and put my own mental health first distancing myself. Yes I envy their 'glass of wine every lunchtime', their constant holidays, their money. Then I remind myself that they scream at each other, dont listen and have no self awareness so the envy stops.
I envy people with healthy older parents. My mum has dementia and 100% zero short term memory yet physically well. I then check myself as she is relatively happy in her own home and loves her carers. I am indeed fortunate.
I envy good health in friends. The way they can just go on holiday. Then I check myself and know holidays are v expensive and dont always meet expectations.
People may envy me as I only work 2 days a week. What they wont know is Ive an incurable life limiting illness.
The bragging, the showing off is a front. Lean back into what you have and enjoy it.

i would recommend the Let Them theory. Have a read. I’ve started to live by the idea that I cannot control the actions of others only my response to those actions.
basically let them. And then let you.
its tough. I also have learnt to say no far more often. I’m a work in progress but it is helping.

Lots of people don't have that close family dynamic. Just be pleased for them. As you say envy us abit pointless.
If your well and got your health that alone is something slot if people would be grateful for.

I try to compare down rather than up. By which I mean I try to be conscious about all the things I'm lucky about. This really helps.

Write down three things your thankful for each night before you go to bed OP.