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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to 17-year-old daughter’s boyfriend sleepovers?

28 replies

Wildradish · 17/03/2026 19:56

My dd is 17. She’s been with her boyfriend for two months (dating for three so five months in total together). She’s started asking if she can stay over at his for a sleepover - he lives about 20 minutes away. We’re always happy to collect her. We’ve only met him once for about 10 minutes despite them both going to college in our city.

He’s her second boyfriend (she was with the other one for a year). And we felt at the time she was too young for a sleepover as did his parents with that particular boyfriend.

Apparently current BF’s mum is happy for her to stay over. My DH has briefly met his mum when he’s gone to pick up our dd.

DD is our first teen. Her sibling has a profound disability so we won’t encounter this again. The ex boyfriend used to come round a lot but dd is suggesting she doesn’t want to bring current boyfriend round because of her sibling. We can’t work out if she doesn’t want to bring him round or he doesn’t want to come (she has said she’s asked him round before but he’s brushed it off). She tends to go round once a week and his mum is usually there but I’m aware they could be having sex (she has said they’re not and with previous boyfriend she asked me to take her to the doctors for an appointment for contraception). She’s not on anything at the moment.

I’m not quite sure what to do. I think she deserves a bit more from a bf as he’s quite low key and we’ve not really met him. I’m not sure how serious he is about her and she can be quite sensitive and a people pleaser.

OP posts:
Pineappleice43 · 17/03/2026 20:04

I would want to meet him first and get to know him before letting her stay over at his.

Original poster
Wildradish · 17/03/2026 20:05

We’ve said we’d like to spend a bit more time with him. But he seems a bit reluctant to come round. Similar to accepting lifts. He seems to avoid them.

OP posts:
LoudSnoringDog · 17/03/2026 20:06

She’s 17 and asking your permission. Legally she can have sex. I’m not sure what the issue is? How long do you intend to restrict her given she could just go without having to ask?

WhatAMarvelousTune · 17/03/2026 20:09

It sounds like they’re spending evenings together at a house where the mum is happy for her to sleep over? So they are probably having sex.

At 17 I’m not really sure the point in saying no tbh.

Dweetfidilove · 17/03/2026 20:11

LoudSnoringDog · 17/03/2026 20:06

She’s 17 and asking your permission. Legally she can have sex. I’m not sure what the issue is? How long do you intend to restrict her given she could just go without having to ask?

she could just go without having to ask?

Maybe not, unless she's going there to live? I couldn't come and go as I pleased, as my parents had rules for the children under their roof; and I didn't fancy living under a bus stop.

wheresthespuds · 17/03/2026 20:11

Wildradish · 17/03/2026 20:05

We’ve said we’d like to spend a bit more time with him. But he seems a bit reluctant to come round. Similar to accepting lifts. He seems to avoid them.

This is a dealbreaker for me. He needs to participate somehow

Doseofreality · 17/03/2026 20:13

No one is staying over in our house unless we’ve all met them and like them. That applies to partners, friends and relations.

Pineappleice43 · 17/03/2026 20:15

Wildradish · 17/03/2026 20:05

We’ve said we’d like to spend a bit more time with him. But he seems a bit reluctant to come round. Similar to accepting lifts. He seems to avoid them.

For me I would not like this. If he wants a relationship with your daughter then he has to put the effort in. I'd be suspicious as to why he is reluctant.

WhatAMarvelousTune · 17/03/2026 20:15

Dweetfidilove · 17/03/2026 20:11

she could just go without having to ask?

Maybe not, unless she's going there to live? I couldn't come and go as I pleased, as my parents had rules for the children under their roof; and I didn't fancy living under a bus stop.

Show quote history

Well yes but I don’t think OP has suggested that she’ll kick her daughter out over this.

brassbellsandcockleshells · 17/03/2026 20:16

WhatAMarvelousTune · 17/03/2026 20:09

It sounds like they’re spending evenings together at a house where the mum is happy for her to sleep over? So they are probably having sex.

At 17 I’m not really sure the point in saying no tbh.

Because there is another child in the house who is disabled and who could be upset by having a stranger there.

The fact that he's reluctant to engage with you makes me suspicious.

I certainly wouldn't allow it.

coconutbiscuit · 17/03/2026 20:19

brassbellsandcockleshells · 17/03/2026 20:16

Because there is another child in the house who is disabled and who could be upset by having a stranger there.

The fact that he's reluctant to engage with you makes me suspicious.

I certainly wouldn't allow it.

Show quote history

I think the OP is saying she won’t let her DD go there to stay, rather than sleepovers being at her house.

I agree with PP - at 17, you can say you don’t want him sleeping at your house if you so wish, but I really wouldn’t say she can’t go to his house and sleep. She’s old enough to move out to uni in less than a year. She can sleep where she wants.

WhatAMarvelousTune · 17/03/2026 20:21

brassbellsandcockleshells · 17/03/2026 20:16

Because there is another child in the house who is disabled and who could be upset by having a stranger there.

The fact that he's reluctant to engage with you makes me suspicious.

I certainly wouldn't allow it.

Show quote history

But she’s asking to stay at her boyfriend’s, not the other way round.

CommandStrip · 17/03/2026 20:21

We were ok with this at that age but this was based on what our daughter is like and knowing a bit about the chap. Have you tried explaining to her that not knowing anything about him is the main stumbling block for you? If he wants her to stay over then I'm surprised that he isn't willing to make a bit of an effort. Might be worth a chat with your daughter about all of this as if she feels uncomfortable asking him to do it that might suggest a power imbalance.

It's very likely that they will have or be having sex either way so worth another contraception chat as well.

coconutbiscuit · 17/03/2026 20:21

I will add OP that I think your DD has been really respectful to even ask you permission for this so I would be even more so saying yes. My 17 year olds were very well behaved and I never had any trouble but by that age we operated on a telling basis rather than a permission basis e.g. ‘Mum, I’m letting you know I’m stopping out on Friday at X’s house. I’ll see you on Saturday morning.’

2026Y · 17/03/2026 20:21

I think at her age I would let her. It sounds like you have quite an open relationship (you mention her asking to be taken to the GP for contraception previously) and staying over at a BFs at 17 is not particularly unreasonable IMO.

user1476613140 · 17/03/2026 20:22

Hammer it home about contraception. The rest you need to step back. Not ideal if he is reluctant to meet you but if he is still getting to know her, then he maybe isn't ready yet. A few months isn't that long.

brassbellsandcockleshells · 17/03/2026 20:26

@coconutbiscuit She’s old enough to move out to uni in less than a year

Well, when she's at uni she can sleep where she wants, as she will be an adult.

Until then she is a child and subject to parental responsibility.

TheWildZebra · 17/03/2026 20:27

I’m amazed she’s asking permission to stay at his and hasn’t just fibbed and said she’s staying at a friends.

I think you need to be supportive and say yes that’s fine, otherwise she’s not going to trust you and come to you if there are issues between them. She’ll end up at his / sleeping with him somewhere anyway, so you might as well be “on her team” as it were for whenever the fallout happens, if it does, or when she needs your support.

coconutbiscuit · 17/03/2026 20:28

brassbellsandcockleshells · 17/03/2026 20:26

@coconutbiscuit She’s old enough to move out to uni in less than a year

Well, when she's at uni she can sleep where she wants, as she will be an adult.

Until then she is a child and subject to parental responsibility.

As a PP said, it sounds like OP and her daughter have a good and open relationship so I assume OP wouldn’t be pulling the ‘you’re only a child so you need to do what I say’ card with her 17 year old. I imagine that wouldn’t have a great outcome!

Letting them make decisions like this at 17 is a great step for preparing them for the world of freedom they’re given at 18.

Original poster
Wildradish · 17/03/2026 20:35

I’m just very reluctant as we’ve barely met him. I know she could really push back and just go. I’ll definitely have another chat with her about conception. I’ve bought her condoms but I’ll revisit going back to the GP. She’s had a tough year with friends and things weren’t great when she split up with her ex and I’m just worried that this boy seems to be putting very little effort in and I’m not really happy that he doesn’t seem to want to meet us or come to ours. He’s happy for her to go to his. I suppose I just want to protect her but that at 17 there’s only so much I can do.

She says it’s not about sex and I think that might not be the case with her boyfriend. I suppose I’m just a bit suspicious that she seems to be the one doing all the work.

OP posts:
brassbellsandcockleshells · 17/03/2026 20:38

@coconutbiscuit "Letting them make decisions like this at 17 is a great step for preparing them for the world of freedom they’re given at 18."

But not unwise decisions.

Here we have a girl who wants to spend time sleeping over at the home of a lad who can't be bothered to engage with her parents and doesn't really seem interested in developing a relationship with her.
"Low key" = disinterested, in my book.
I would be concerned in case he's pushing her for sex, so it would be a 'no' from me.

Original poster
Wildradish · 17/03/2026 20:49

brassbellsandcockleshells · 17/03/2026 20:38

@coconutbiscuit "Letting them make decisions like this at 17 is a great step for preparing them for the world of freedom they’re given at 18."

But not unwise decisions.

Here we have a girl who wants to spend time sleeping over at the home of a lad who can't be bothered to engage with her parents and doesn't really seem interested in developing a relationship with her.
"Low key" = disinterested, in my book.
I would be concerned in case he's pushing her for sex, so it would be a 'no' from me.

That’s what I’m a bit worried about that he’d push for sex and he did need ages to officially ask her out. I guess I’m worried he’s using her. And it’s difficult to know what he’s like and how they are together as we’ve never seen it. She says he’s very chilled out so if he’s that relaxed, I don’t get why he’s so odd about coming her. His mum has also said my dd can come to a family party and her bf has put it off saying “in case they broke up” which is a big red flag to me.

OP posts:
brassbellsandcockleshells · 17/03/2026 20:54

@Wildradish His mum has also said my dd can come to a family party and her bf has put it off saying “in case they broke up” which is a big red flag to me.

I don't like the sound of that at all.

So he wants her around for a sleepover but not for a family party ? IMO he's just using her and isn't genuine.

I think you need to have a chat to her about this and explain your reservations.

Original poster
Wildradish · 17/03/2026 20:58

@brassbellsandcockleshells, she’s happy to go along to parties and chat to whoever but he’s put her off and along with not wanting to come round, not really making loads of effort it has set alarm bells ringing a bit for me. Makes me wonder if he’s not that serious about her which is up to him but she’s not into flings.

OP posts:
brassbellsandcockleshells · 17/03/2026 21:03

Wildradish · 17/03/2026 20:58

@brassbellsandcockleshells, she’s happy to go along to parties and chat to whoever but he’s put her off and along with not wanting to come round, not really making loads of effort it has set alarm bells ringing a bit for me. Makes me wonder if he’s not that serious about her which is up to him but she’s not into flings.

TBF I think she needs to ditch this loser and find a lad who is really into her and likes her for herself, not just as a bedwarmer.

Maybe you could float this idea past her ?