AIBU not asking my sister to see our mum more?

[scholley]

So, I’m not too sure what to do about this but I’ll start with background.

I am one of 3, I am the eldest, then my younger brother and then a half sister who is 6 years younger than me. My sister lived with us until she was 3, she then moved abroad to where her dad lived. My mum and her dad were never truly a couple as far as I know. It was never explained to any of us as to why she moved to be with her dad. We very rarely got to see her, maybe 2/3 weeks in the summer but even that wasn’t reliable.

A few years ago my sister moved to the UK, we have really bonded, she was a bridesmaid at my wedding last year, we meet up often. She hasn’t really shared what her feelings are when it comes to our mum, but she talks of her childhood and dad fondly.

My mum has cancer, she’s receiving treatment and her new husband is her main carer. I have a good relationship with my mum, while I’m sure she has made a lot of unforgivable choices, she was a good mum to my brother and I.

Yesterday for Mother’s Day we planed a nice brunch for her, she wanted to stay home for it. We invited our sister but she was going on a ski trip. She sent some lovely flowers, a card, chocolates and a voucher for one of my mums favourite stores. I don’t see anything wrong with what she did, she doesn’t see our mum much (maybe once every 3 months for lunch).

After brunch my mum was very upset, she asked me to have a word with my sister as she wants to see more of her and make up for the past. I told her I’d think about it.

Here is the issue, I don’t want to say anything to her, she’s an adult, she’s free to make her own choices in terms of how close she wants to be to our mum, I have no idea exactly what happened in her childhood or how my sister feels about that and most importantly I don’t want to ruin the relationship I have with her by being a messenger for our mum.
On the other hand, I do think my mum is sad and scared with being unwell, and maybe my sister just doesn’t know that she actively wants to improve the relationship.

so AIBU not talking to my sister for my mum? Or should I have a quiet word just to make sure my sister knows?

Perhaps just say Mum missed you at the lunch and she would love a catch up some time. Then they can sort it between them.

Don't get in the middle of it. The most I would do is suggest to your mum that she writes a letter and posts it herself to your sister.

I think you should keep out of it. You risk spoiling your relationship with her.
She’s had a different relationship with your mum than you have and may have resentment you aren’t aware of.
If your mum wants to see her more, she needs to approach her not you.

I think you can do something, without becoming a middle messenger. Have you never asked your mum about why she gave up care of her younger daughter? Have you never asked your sister about it either?
A helpful move might be to initiate a conversation around that. Perhaps your mum didn’t feel that she had a choice but to let her go, and so perhaps now doesn’t feel that she’s ‘allowed’ to push more contact. Perhaps your sister has only heard one version of what happened in her early years and might be open to hearing more about that from your mother.
You can initiate this conversation under the motivation of your mum being so unwell, that there may not be the opportunity for them to discuss this in the future.
You don’t need to be a peacemaker or negotiator, but you can be a helpful mediator.

I absolutely wouldn’t get in the middle of it.

whilst its understandable that having cancer has made your Mum reflective she shouldn’t be asking you risk damaging your relationship to do her bidding. Nor should she expect your sister to change her relationship with her just because she’s unwell.

Some choices in life have life long consequences.

Yeah I would bring it up once ro your sister and then leave it - and say the same to your mum.

Personally though, it sounds like your mum had an affair and the baby was raised by her dad.

It sucks and is very hurtful, but I dont think its unforgivable. Men are forgiven for far far worse abandonments.

Sorry youre dealing with your mum being poorly 💐

I have asked my mum, albeit many years ago. I was given a very vague answer of “it was for the best, you wouldn’t understand” any attempt to push further and she would just say “I don’t want to talk about it”. I haven’t raised it with my sister as it really doesn’t feel like my place to mention it.

Don’t allow your Mum to put you in the middle, suggest that she talks to your sister herself. If you start carrying messages I don’t think it will end well.

Personally I would talk to your sister. If it damages your relationship then the relationship is pretty fragile.

Once your mum is gone your sister might say "I wish I had seen more of her." And you would have to keep quiet that you know your mum wnted more contact too.

If you are not goi g to say something then tell yoir you think she should if she wants to.

But don't make it about the birthday because your sisyer had a valid excuse for missing it.

Also, I am curious about the father's. Is your dad still alive. Is yoir sister's dad alive?

Persomally I kind of feel your mother owes you an explanatio.

My guess would be something shocking like your sister's dad put pressure on your.mum, had good lawyers, threatened stuff or offered money your mum needed (if she were si me parent).

Whatever happeed I think a father removing a very young child from their mother is pretty awful personally.

I would say something fairly bland to my sister, as another OP suggested, like "mum loved the flowers etc that you sent her, I think she would really like to see you" and leave it at that.

You can't create or force a relationship between them that isn't there. As long as your sister knows the opportunity is there, it's up to her what she does with it.

If your mum won’t be candid with you about she managed to do a good job with 2 kids, but allowed a third to be raised abroad by her father and rarely see the child, I wouldn’t be getting involved now.

You said yourself she was a good mum to you and your brother. Not like she was inherently incapable and you all experienced the same treatment.

Your mother is trying to enlist you as her flying monkey. Your mom wants you to try to talk your sister into more contact and change her feelings about the choice your mom made.

Don't do it. Just tell your mom their relationship is not for you to be in the middle of. This is between them.

Your sister has chosen to have the relationship with your mom that she's comfortable with. She has boundaries with your mom because of choices your mom made. Cancer doesn't change that. If you try to push those boundaries, she might withdraw even more and resent you for acting as your mom's flying monkey and that will hurt your relationship.

Just mention that what your mother said. Maybe your sister needs to know she would be welcome to visit . But then stay out of it .

Tell your mother no.

At most, tell your sister your mother is trying to pass messages through you, and you would like to know how she wants for you to react for this and all possible future attempts. You pass the info, but it gives your sister the chance to set her boundaries.

I think you need to be honest with your mum and say that you don’t feel comfortable applying pressure to your half sister to visit.

Your mum is actually being quite unreasonable to expect a caring relationship from someone she didn’t care for. There may be good reason for this, but if she’s never given that reason to either you or your HS, you can also presume there maybe a bad reason for it as well.

I think there’s a lot of damage done to DC who are effectively told “I am capable of being a good parent, but I won’t parent you”. Most often this is seen in men who walk away from their first family and plough time and energy into their second.

It’s also common in later life when those parents are old and sick to expect the DC they abandoned to rally round, but they didn’t rally when the child had chickenpox, or their first period or needed help with homework etc and they (usually) didn’t feel bad about that, so why should the child be made to feel bad now?

I would step back from this, it’s not your relationship to improve/repair.

Turn that round to your mother

”mum, sister was packed off to live with her dad, you’ve never explained why and don’t want to talk about it. Tbf that sounds really bad. If you’re wanting to repair things with my sister, asking me to do the work isn’t going to make a difference. You have to make the effort to put things right. As things are, I asked, you said I wouldn’t understand and that you didn’t want to talk about it. You’re right, I don’t understand what you did, and it’s too late for me to talk about this with you.”

People on here talk about ‘flying monkeys’. Is this what your mum is trying to make you? That’s what it sounds like from your original post, although of course real life is complex and you love your mum. Perhaps consider it, and whether it sounds right. Ignore if not!

No way.

If your mum wants to build a relationship with your sister at this point, she really needs to do the work.

I think your sister offered more than enough effort given the background.

Quite frankly it's likely too late to go chasing after this now. Damage done in childhood can't be easily fixed.

This perfect. 💗