Have you ever had to “drop” or “fade” away from a very good friend? Therapist thinks I need too.

[Cornfields107]

If you ever had to fade away or step back from a very good friend / best friend… how did you do it, and why?

Quick background - Best friends since I can remember as kids. We’ve had periods of being very close and periods of being distant mainly due to different paths in life. Have been very close for a few years. I am noticing, and so is my therapist, a pattern of toxic or negative behaviour with this friend. Trauma dumping on a daily basis, noticing her pulling back if I’m having good days or going through good periods in my life, if I don’t check in daily and take a few days out noticing blunt messages / will comment and like everyone else’s Facebook posts but won’t on mine as if I’ve done something wrong or feel punished. Overall this friend is lovely most of the time but I’m seeing the negative pattern more now that I’m aware of it.

I don’t tend to analyse my friendships in this level of detail but yes, I’ve deliberately let friendships wither on the vine when they’d had their time or the person wasn’t a good person to be around. I generally just stopped making any effort, and declined any invites and slowly the friendship just faded.

I’ve only regretted it once.

Don’t beat yourself up over it and do what’s best for you.

Thank you. The rest of my friendships take little thought, we don’t live in each others pockets etc. but this friend we chat quite often, meet once or twice a week and apart from the last couple of weeks where I’ve had to take a step back I will notice daily trauma dumps on life. It’s hard not to over analysis this if you get me.

I’m definitely going to let things slide a bit and fade out.

Maybe they think you don’t need them as much when you’re doing well?

Without getting into too much detail I think it’s to do with jealousy as I know she can be this way with a few other friends

Yes I have. Someone who we were so close at one point we were closer than we were with our siblings.
I was there for friend during a hard time she was havung personally, marriage breakup, but it became all consuming, extremely toxic, I was getting intimate/private details of things her now ex was doing. She was tracking his phone and emails, every moment of every day was about the breakup (which she had initiated) until I couldnt take any more. Started pulling back and the facebook and instagram posts started about true friends etc
I ended up hiding them on social media, being busy more with others and withdrawing from the group chats we were in and now we dont speak at all and I am in a much better place mentally not dealing with their constant drama and ongoing need for validation

Thank you and sorry you went through this. Sounds like what is happening with my friend. She also insinuates everything I go through isn’t as bad as her. I said I need space for a week (33 weeks pregnant with other small kids and works been mental so feeling pressure) and I can just tell she’s not happy about it.

Yes OP I am currently letting a friendship fade away (after talking it through with my therapist too). I do feel awful about it, as the person in question has gone through a very tough time in recent years and only really has one other person in their life for support, but at the bottom of things is their personality which I just, frankly, do not like and the friendship only brings negativity to my life.

The therapist is likely guiding you to explore what you want to do yourself about this friend. It sounds like you already know what you need and it’s to be away from a friend who is causing issues.

What are you telling them you “need space”? That sounds quite dramatic. Surely “I’m tied up next week” would work just as well and be more neutral/invite less drama?

I understand, it was similar on my end. I actively said I needed a break from hearing about her situation for a while, as it was having such a negative impact on me and my own marriage, and she took this as a major slight and complained to mutual friends that I wasn't being supportive. They doubled down on validating the old friend and hyping up yet even more drama. You really need to focus on yourself and your family. No one else matters right now.

The toxic negativity in some "friends" can be off the scale. However, now I'm out the other side of it, I can see everyone sees situations from their own perspectives and has their own ideas of things, and as long as you've acted to look after your own health and well-being, then that's it. I fell into a hole of trying to do everything I could to support the ex-friend, and when I was literally at breaking point and kindly said I needed to pull back a bit, I got absolutely vilified. It was hard and very sad for a while, but now I realize I had outgrown them and the group who piled on when I said I needed to pull back, and they can all thrive on their drama together and leave me to my quiet life!

Yes. Friends since we were little, periods of closeness and more distance as we both moved around and our lives took different turns. I realised she was dumping her crap on me while letting her other friends see her fun side, she’d show up in tears about some major drama showing no perspective, no interest in what was happening in my life, ask to stay for the weekend so I could look after her then bin me off to go to a fabulous party with her fun friends. Eventually I’d just fucking had it as I felt she was treating me like a bloody mug. I’d have loved to go to parties together, to go out for meals and chat and laugh. But she only wanted my listening sympathy ear and was starting to just take the piss so after one final incident I sent her a long email explaining how I felt and she never replied. It’s been 17 or 18 years and I often think of her and do sometimes miss her but she was too draining to be around and didn’t care when things were going well for me or was present enough to know if I was ever having a hard time. Friendships have to be mutually beneficial.

In my late 30s I had a bit of an evaluation of my friendship group, many of whom I had known since school and uni. I realised that for a number of them it was pure sentimentality and nostalgia that was keeping these people close and perhaps more importantly it was me doing all the legwork insofar as maintaining contact. I did a soft 'let go' to see what would happen to these people and predictable the moment i stopped making the effort these 'friendships' fizzled out. It hurt a little at the time but I soon realised it was way healthier to throw my energies at people who actually gave a shit about me. I also noticed after a while i was not getting drawn into as much drama and nonsense and my life just generally became a bit easier.

Constant trauma dumping from someone can feel like emotional vampirism. It's very draining of time, energy, and your own mental health. Sometimes you have to be self protective when there's someone like that in your life bringing you down. P

Friendships have to be mutually beneficial.

This, this, this.

Going through this now with a friend. We got very close very quickly and it was all consuming. She would get funny about me seeing other friends, used to ring me daily multiple times a day and then she’d disappear and every time come back with drama drama drama. I feel sad because when she’s good she’s great but she wants someone to be only her friend and to have you at her beck and call. Since I’ve pulled back, she’s not made any effort and I’ve found out she’s cosying up to an old friend who she completely dropped and was really nasty about so I think it was more a case of I was the one who was there rather than a true friendship and now she’s looking for the next person. She always said she didn’t have any friends and I thought it was a red flag but stupidly got sucked in and believed it was everyone else’s fault. A hard life lesson to learn later in life as I thought I was past all that school ground drama and immature friendships but it is what it is. I found myself not seeing my other friends who I’ve known forever because this friend always needed me, there was always a drama and I put her above anyone else but slowly I’ve realised it’s not a two way friendship. I also heard the way she spoke about other people she was supposedly ‘friendly’ with and didn’t like it. Everyone has a moan about people from time to time but she was really spiteful and whatever anyone else’s situation, she’s always got it the hardest and I just can’t listen to it anymore. If you come away from a friend feeling drained, it’s not a healthy friendship

I wouldn't let the therapist influence your friendship. You say she's lovely most of the time, she's your best friend and you've known her for a long time, you have to do what's right for you but I would hesitate to lose such a good old friend they are hard to come by. Sounds like you have both been going through some things and she is dumping on you a lot, but that is one thing good friends do. I hope you work it out.

In this day and age it is the easiest thing to let friendships slide. You don't need to say you need space as you would to a dp just don't read messages, don't reply and block if there's any dramas.

Life's too short to waste time with people whose company we don't enjoy.

You do say your friend is lovely most of the time. Is she going through a particularly hard time for some reason? Fine to take a step back for a while if you have a lot going on of course, but it seems a shame to jettison a long-term friendship.

Your therapist needs to keep her opinions to herself shes overstepping

The therapist can't notice "toxic patterns" without experiencing them her/himself and certainly cannot advise you to exit your friendship. Your therapist can only work with what you tell them and encourage you to think through the issues. Frankly, I would be wondering why you didn't attempt to have a conversation with your friend and be more keen to explore that as a topic for therapy.

You don't need permission to dump your friend. Go ahead if you feel like it.