*****TW expressing suicidal thoughts***** AIBU to feel hurt by my dad dismissing my autistic son’s thoughts on suicide?

[itwasyourshowallalong]

Life is, frankly, pretty horrendous at the moment. My job is at risk, DH's job may be at risk imminently. I lost my DMum in the last couple of years. I don't have anyone I can really talk to about my feelings (DH is pretty closed off)

My DS1 has been diagnosed with ASD and is struggling to cope. He shouts, swears, hits when he doesn't get his own way. He refuses to go to school on a regular basis and is on 70% attendance currently He has been diagnosed with anxiety. He says he is depressed and has told us multiple times that he wants to kill himself. He sees a therapist weekly (private - my DDad is very kindly paying for this), the school are involved and we have a GP appt this week to get a referral to CAMHS

DDad was over yesterday. I explained to him that things are difficult and that he's threatening to kill himself. The response I got contained the following:

• He's not mad, he doesn't have MH problems, he just has ASD
• He shouldn't be labelled as mad
• It's OK if he's experiencing anxiety, he has to get used to it because everyone has anxiety
• He's saying he wants to kill himself because he wants attention

I stopped the conversation pretty quickly - literally by saying "I don't think we should be discussing this" and didn't return to the conversation. I went pretty quiet tbh

I have been tearful and, well, broken since. I don't expect a magic wand, but it felt like he just completely disagreed with absolutely everything I said about my own son. Like all of a sudden he's an expert in children's mental health (not unexpected, doesn't matter what you're talking about he's always the expert in it - even if it's my job, he still knows much more about it than I do)

I don't know how to process this. I don't know how to verbalise just how crushed, angry and disappointed I am. Nothing I ever say is taken seriously

I felt similar when I was DS's age. I was refused counselling, wasn't allowed to talk to anyone, and was told that I couldn't possibly be serious about wanting to kill myself because if I was then I would have already done it. When my sibling went through similar they were supported, went for counselling and generally cared for

Can someone help me to unpick this please?

I’ve been through it, DD is now nearly 20 and we are mostly out the other side .. we only had 10% attendance at school though. CAMHS, Sertraline and Counselling have been great.

Firstly you will be hyper-sensitive, you feel upset, lost, you don’t know which way to go, you feel judge etc. That sensitivity means that we are in that “flight or fight” mode most of the time, and are easily upset.

Secondly, I think language is difficult for people - I understand what he’s saying about “it’s not MH it’s Autism”, it’s a really clumsy way of saying that you know what’s at the root of it, rather than it being unexplained. The ASD / Anxiety / Depression are all tied in together. This is why the medication has worked well for DD.

Language is difficult around these things, and often people don’t know the right language to use, and in an attempt to “help”, can often day the wrong thing.

The Suicidal stuff, some of that will be an expression of fustration from your child, more than a threat. Which is probably what your father was referring to, probably trying to make you feel better but failing to do so.

This is a lot more about you being overwhelmed and judging yourself. You need to give yourself a break, you are doing a great job in a really tough situation. Don’t let clumsy langague de-rail you. DH really struggled when DD was going through this, so I found him articles on the Internet to read to help his understanding, which worked really well.

I don't really have an answer op. Dd (9) has expressed suicidal language. In our case, it has helped us to understand that her saying it in the midst of sensory meltdown to mean "I just want this feeling to stop right now" is very different to her expressing it when calm and relatively well regulated.

My mum (who is otherwise lovely, very supportive and understanding) also asked whether dd is 'just doing it for attention'. Unless you live with the direct effects of autism, and its impact on mental health, daily, it's impossible to understand. I've had to learn what to share and what not to share with close family members. Instead, if you're seeking understanding and advice, it's best to find it rooted in the direct experience of others in a similar situation.

Are you part of any support groups?

I've heard that anxiety meds can make a huge difference. It's an option I'm considering despite dd's tender age because she's currently not attending school either and we're struggling to help her manage. All the usual anxiety management strategies don't seem to be enough because even her baseline is so high.

I think unless you are in this situation it is just really difficult to comprehend, my daughter suffers from similar problems to your son, op, and has made a serious attempt on her life. I have felt endlessly dismissed, by my mother, the school, relatives who have autistic children without mental health problems, camhs. I now just tend to limit discussion of her issues to online communities of people who have children with similar issues and therefore believe and understand.

I could have written this re my AUDHD 9 year old DD as well.
OP we have actually received a similar response to what you got from your dad - from CAMHS themselves. Who despite DD being out of school/not eating/self injurious behaviour/wishing to die etc have implied it’s due to her wanting more attention and that’s it really. Still waiting for a follow up appointment from them
and have gone private.

I understand your feelings, I am infuriated- but a tiny part of me recognises that (whilst the feelings and dysregulation are very disturbingly real), being endlessly accommodating and giving weight to every thing DD proclaims doesn’t help either.

Its impossible to talk to many people about as @Whatafustercluck has said, they bring their own views to it (with no experience often) and no one lives it day in day out.
Its not ok you or your son’s feelings haven’t been validated by your dad but I would just vent away to whoever, and park him as someone to confide in.
I hope things improve for you all, it’s absolute hell dealing with it especially with what you’ve got on as well.