I don’t want to be thought about on Mother’s Day

[switchedoff14]

I lost my mother a couple of years ago. It is hard but life goes on. I know Mother’s Day is coming, know I’ll see my friends celebrating. That’s natural. But I really hate the multiple posts thinking of those of us who’ve lost our mothers. I know people’s hearts are in the right place, I know I’m being unreasonable, but I know I’ve lost my mother. I don’t need people or want people’s sympathy today repeatedly reminding me and feeling sorry for me. I hate those stupid memes. Does it bring comfort to anyone at all?

Is there a reason you didn’t like their sympathy when your DM died? What did you want them to do, ignore you @switchedoff14

In the last five years I have "lost" my Mum, my DH, my Dad, my MIL, my last Uncle, and several friends, and to be frank I've been absolutely feral at times x I actually got to the point where I said to my closest friends and family I was thinking of having a T shirt printed to wear on the rare occasions when I socialise saying "Whatever you're about to say, I know you mean well, but don't".

So I get it. Social media is the bane of the bereaved sometimes, sometimes it's nice to see memories and other people remembering your dear "departed" and how much they miss them, but sometimes, depending on which "wave" you're drowning under, it's so tempting to growl "No shit Sherlock, walk in my fucking shoes for the last few years".

I chafe against the language of grief. I didn't "lose" anybody, they're not keys down the back of the sofa, and to me it implies carelessness, which feels utterly insulting. Nor have they "departed" voluntarily for somewhere nicer - unless other people's God have a well stocked bar, DH isn't in a heaven I can grasp.

Problem is, our society thinks grief is something to be fixed, yet it's ubiquitous, everyone deals with it at some point, and it's horses for courses, because it's so deeply personal and unique to everyone.

There is no answer to the conundrum, and if one more person tells me how grateful I should be for the time I did have with any of my loved ones...... I shall smile through gritted teeth and hope one day I'll get over the urge to throat punch them. Because mostly, they do mean well.

So sending solidarity OP. I really do get it.

🙄

I lost my mum when I was 16, back in the 80s where just getting on with it was a very normal reaction and experience. By saying how old I was in the 80s will tell you how very very old I am now, with my own adult kids and grandkids….and tbh it doesn’t get easier. In fact the older I get , the more I miss my mum. Sure I thought I missed her enough at every stage of my life…but I don’t know, there’s something about getting to my age and thinking I’m now the older, higher up generation in the family and my mum didn’t achieve all these things. Some days I wonder if I would have processed my mums death better, if I had received proper treatment/care/counselling etc.

Im saying all this, because how we process things is really where we are in the grieving stage. I’m years and years ahead , my grief won’t hurt as much as yours or feel the same as yours. Not that it’s a competition….but I’m on the other end of the scale to you, no one mentions my mum or me or how I feel on a day like this. It’s just forgotten for want of a better phrase that she’s gone. I’m not interested in posting about some big poem about her on my social media. I’m not interested in bringing up pics of her on my Facebook etc. I’m so not into that. But equally the day still does sting a bit. My feed on every social media is about mum and pictures of people with their mum. I don’t begrudge them that at all, absolutely not. But it still brings it home that I just don’t have mine , I haven’t for a very very long time and I can’t help the way I feel about that. But no one ever mentions my mum on a day like this. It’s like she never existed. But then tbh what do I want, if I don’t want to mention her myself lol. If I’m not going to post some huge sentiment about her, what am I actually looking for?! I don’t know, it’s just a day of emotion really. Which is silly, as it’s just a commercial day invented by someone to make money!

i guess the point I’m making, albeit badly (!) you can’t help how you feel. If it annoys you that people send you well meaning messages, then I don’t think you should be talked out of that. That’s how you feel, don’t feel bad about it. You may not always feel like this. In 2/4/8/20 years whatever, you might manage a “thanks!” back to those messages or a 🫶 (which tbh is my go to for anything I’m awkward about but recognise that someone is trying to be nice!!) I think at the moment if the messages upset you, you either need to tell people or just ignore them. I’m years and years down the line and I have had people who find out my history ask about it…or it’s occasionally bought up at a family funeral etc and tbh I’m immediately mildly irritated, she was my mum and it was my experience and tbh I don’t want to talk about it!!!

I too lost my Mum not long ago & I really couldn't give a flying f**k what anyone else posts on social media. Having said that my friends all know how I feel & I have no problems talking about my feelings. You clearly do which IMHO is unhealthy. The fact you feel the need to post on here about this but refuse to take on board any advice is pointless & will just upset you more.

I know what you mean OP but from a different perspective… I’m childless after multiple MC. I’m not a mum. It is what it is. I hate the posts that list mums that have MC, mums of fur babies, those hoping to be mums… it’s sooo cringe! No one on that list is a mum! I am all of the things on that list, I am not a mum! It’s a day to celebrate mums! I am a grown up I understand and I am fine with that! We need to stop trying to include everyone in everything! It’s really not necessary!

Yes, I liked it. I saw it that all these people were thinking of my mum, even if only via me, and that her life was being acknowledged. People remembering my mum means a lot to me. I have old friends who message on her birthday too and that means a lot. I see where you're coming from though, as it can seem like a steady stream of emotional punches when you want to just get through the day.

It passes with time OP. I lost my mother when I was in my 20s and she was in her 50s. That was back in the 80s.

Mother's Day is now just another day to me. Means nothing other than having to make sure the DCs don't forget their mother.

I don't know whether that helps or not.