MIL and brother-in-law

[confusedandwingingit]

My MIL (and unfortunately use the term loosely) has caused nothing but trouble between my husband and his brother. To which one day the brother called me calling me a bully, threating me with the police and saying that it was 'disgusting' what we were 'doing to his mum' .... For transparency, my husband bought a house with his mum (before we met) and asked her if she would ever think about buying my husband out .... a house she would never have got without my husband so that we could get on the property ladder, she went to the solicitors etc. thinking she have a hold over my husband, then soon changed her tune when she realised he was well within his rights and then try to make him sign over his part of the deeds to her!! (he didn't thank goodness!!)

Then 5 weeks ago heartbreakingly my grandfather of whom I was incredibly close to passed away . She messaged my 4 weeks after he passed saying she hopes 'it all goes well tomorrow' (the funeral) and also missed my daughters birthday ... she rang me at 8pm the day after my daughters bday and the evening before my grandads funeral, when I was with my grandmother. My husband told her I probs wouldn't answer as I was busy and supporting grandma, MIL called me anyway!!! I actually couldn't bring myself to answer it as she upset me so much. She didn't even message my mum on the lose of her father, we have spent 3 Christmas together ( my grandparents, my parents & MIL) and myself and my husband have been together 8 years. When her husband died she stayed with us for 4 weeks, and my own mum sat with her supporting her with the loss and helping sort documents out etc, and she couldn't even send a text?!

AIBU??

I can't even stand to message her, even have a convo with my husband that has anything to do with her. He gets it, he knows and understands why I feel the way I do, I just don't want anything right now to do with her or his brother after the way he spoke to me.

I just find it odd, that this behaviour is completely ignored by his family and we are just expected to pick up where we left off!?!

Any advice is welcome! Thank you x

Read or listen to Mel Robbins. The Let Them Theory.

Sorry I haven't got a clue whats going on until it comes to MIL failing to wish her granddaughter a happy birthday and generally being thoughtless around the death of your Grandfather.

The whole house/money situation I don't understand, I don't follow who wants to buy out who, who owns what, who lives where and what 'hold' your MIL thought she had over your husband.

Sorry I was rambling & there is sooo much going on.

I just can't understand how people can behave like this, his brother saying what he said to me. And I'm expected to play happy families!

Then basically, his mum.... couldn't be arsed to message me when my grandfather passed away, a guy she met numerous times and spent Christmas with, a man who I am incredibly close to :( It just upset me she didn't acknowledge that :(

And then didn't acknowledge my daughters birthday :( She's ten!

Sorry I was rambling & there is sooo much going on.
I just can't understand how people can behave like this, his brother saying what he said to me. And I'm expected to play happy families!
Then basically, his mum.... couldn't be arsed to message me when my grandfather passed away, a guy she met numerous times and spent Christmas with, a man who I am incredibly close to :( It just upset me she didn't acknowledge that :(
And then didn't acknowledge my daughters birthday :( She's ten!

I’d say there is a lot of bad feeling on both sides here. This is a very emotional time for your family and you all have some pretty unreasonable expectations of each other.

So MIL and DH bought a house together, years ago, so she had somewhere to live. And DH has recently asked if she would consider buying out his share but she wanted him to just sign over his share for no money?

BIL is causing problems and has called you, shouting, for upsetting MIL.

And MIL is separately being insensitive to you about your DD birthday and DGF passing? After you had been very supportive to her when FIL passed?

Exactly that! x

Can I ask what you think is an unreasonable expectation on my side is please? No hate, just want to understand it from an 'outsider looking in' POV x

I think you need to separate the issues. I suspect your grief means that everything is becoming blended aand amplifying each issue.

The house is the major problem. YANBU there.

I wouldn’t necessarily expect your MIL to message your mum - particularly when there is bad feeling between you. Perhaps MIL does not regard wider family in quite the same way you do.

MIL did acknowledge the birthday just a day late. Let it go !

From the outside, letting the rest go, but focus on DH having bought the house with MIL and that this was not a free thing but he needs to be able to get his money out again or at least not be expected to hand it over for free. And BIL can either buy DH’s share or butt out.

You’re really unclear, OP. I get you feel she should have condoled either you about your grandfather’s death, but it’s not clear what your BIL is complaining about in relation to your DH buying your mother out of her share of the house, or why she thought that co-owning a house ‘gave her a hold’?

Just in response to your expectations this already deals with what I mean but I do say that with an understanding of how sensitive grief can make a person.

I think your MILs are very explicit on the other hand, there needs to be a reasonable exit strategy for your husband from the house situation and maybe that is written contractually as a sort of lein on the house but there should be something.

This is a response to you asking where the unreasonable expectations were.

You’re angry with her for calling you the day before the funeral? Really? That poor woman

she didn't acknowledge my grandfathers death for nearly 4 weeks & then went onto call me even after my husband told her not to as I was with my grandmother .... No poor women about it.

Dont understand the poll results 🙃. I don't think you have done too much wrong. Your MIL ignored your grandfather's death until the evening before the funeral. Despite being told by your husband not to ring you, she did. Very insensitive and entitled.
Just grey rock her.
Is the issue with the house recent? That is not clear. Your BIL needs to understand that it is between your husband and his mother. Expecting your husband to sign over his share through bullying is not acceptable. How much has he contributed?

I dont either 🙃

Maybe my Original Post didnt make much sense as I wrote in the heat of the moment.

We have let the house situation go, hes still on the deeds, we've left it as it is due to the fall out it created.

AIBU the fact I didnt appreciate him calling me and being vile to me due to a fall out with my husband and his mum? And I cant just "forgive and forget" as he involved me and spoke to me appallingly.

Then when my grandfather died, I didnt hear a word, then I have since found out she only contacted me as my husband spoke to her prior to this and mentioned she should have acknowledged it with me, she only did it when he brought it up and even when he asked her not to that evening she still did.

Might seem petty to some, but this is the half of what she can be like 😪😪😪

I'd be very hurt about your grandfather but I've been told her I have U expectations around bereavements - just the same standards I'd hold myself to, tbh but apparently not everyone knows what to say. As you say, send a bloody text!!
Nonidea what the situation is with BIL so maybe give us more info on that. He's shouted at you but no idea what about, maybe house.
Main thing is, from experience, don't let them take your energy around this difficult time and concentrate on your own family and the people who are worth thinking about right now. They've shown you who they are and your only bit of satisfaction here is to have clocked that and remember it. Sounds bitter but that's what I have done and it beats being hurt or hoping they would change.

And I'd hate that it was only acknowledged when it was said. Don't even bother then. I'd be annoyed at DH that he promoted her as I'd prefer her to have shown herself up!