AIBU for shouting at my mum after years of emotional neglect?

[Expressingdisappointment]

Apparently I have ruined Mother’s Day.

My mother has always been very self centred. A bit distant. Was never very loving and always told me she showed her love by doing things like making sure I was fed and had clean clothes etc. very practical things that yes obviously are essential but there was no warmth she made it clear she didn’t like all the tasks children bring and that she exhausted herself and that was from a place of love. I never felt loved.

This last year she has really outdone herself. I’ve been unwell a lot and suffered a late pregnancy loss. She wasn’t in the slightest bit bothered, didn’t come to see me, didn’t offer any comfort at all. Barely contacts me unless she needs or wants something.

She then was unwell so I went to see her. She gave me a hug and I for some reason started crying. She said ‘oh everyone does this but I’m not dying ! Everyone loves me so much you’re all so worried about me !’ I said ‘no actually it’s just that was the hug I needed months ago when I needed you’ and she just called me selfish and that it’s not about me now and to get a grip.

Since then again she has barely contacted me apart from to tell me a pregnancy announcement from another family member followed with ‘I expect you’ll make this all about you now’

Yesterday I took her card and gifts and dropped them off thinking I’ll just try one more time and she said she was a bit disappointed as I’d got her flowers and I should know her Hayfever will play up , that I’d left the price on the back of the card and how it wasn’t even Mother’s Day. I was so upset I shouted at her that actually i am disappointed in her that she’s been a shit mother and I don’t know why I bothered. Half an hour later of course the whole family knows that I shouted at her and they are all asking me what am I playing at terrifying her like that. I’ve held it all in for so long and I just couldn’t anymore.

not all mothers are good mothers, unfortunately. I'm sorry you're experiencing this

She sounds like an arsehole. Really sorry OP.

You are not being unreasonable. She sounds cold and selfish.

wishing you all the best 💐

Time to withdraw @Expressingdisappointment . She won't change. One of the things with narcissistic/emotionally mature mothers is accepting the grief that you feel about never having had the mothering that other people get. Never knowing that security. Never knowing that "I'm loved just as I am" feeling, and knowing that sadly, you'll never get it. You have to learn alternatives. Therapy helps, as does self compassion, and other relationships. Partners aren't the same, because they can withdraw too. It's very difficult.

As for your mother, can you live with no contact? Or would you be more comfortable with low contact and very firm boundaries?

Mother yourself in the way you need to be mothered. It's not easy. Be kind to yourself today

Low contact doesn’t seem to have worked I think NC is better going forwards

I had a mother like this.

I left home at 18 and never went back.

Sadly they don't change OP.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this x

Such a beautifully expressed post @WestwardHo1

OP I totally empathise with you , particularly about your hurt re your pregnancy loss. My mother told me 6 months after my 3 week old baby boy died that " you should be over that by now" My mother is long dead but of all the hurtful words and actions from her those are the ones that replay in my head the most because they just encapsulate her total inability to see me as a human being with feelings.

I'm no contact with my family now. I just wish I had done that when I was in my early twenties. Your mother will never change OP. It's not you. It's down to her. And I honestly think going No contact would be the best thing for you, for your mental health and for your self esteem and self worth.

So sorry you have a Mum like this. Mine is the same. These people are so manipulative and damaging and in a position of power which they've abused. Failed human beings really.

But knowledge is power - you see through her now. Build a life with this knowledge.

Sorry for the loss you endured recently too 💐 sending unmumsnetty hugs

Another thing - ignore the scapegoating. They do this to make themselves feel better and distract from their poor behaviour.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through it too it just hurts so much and in those moments you need your mum and it’s just another loss you feel at the same time it’s too hard to deal with ❤️

You’re good at suppressing your feelings til they boil over, that’s because you’ve grown up on this environment and deep down you know it’s a horrible environment to grow up in, but your head thinks that really mums should be like XYZ so surely it’s theee somewhere in her, sadly it’s not though. You’ve seen her in action for ywars and now you nubble
over and like a typical narc she’s making it all about her being a victim and you being the baddie … you know the real score! Don’t bother to get in touch IMO …. Leave her ton her own miserable-ness and you enjoy your life with your family, and be the mum you’d be proud to be with your kids / future kids

Me too. Sorry yours is like this, OP. 💐
Protect yourself by accepting this is who she is, not going to change. Drop the rope, she doesn't deserve your gifts or attention.

I have a mother like this. I quietly and gradually went low contact no big drama but it took along time to get to this.

I am sure I am portrayed as the villain to my siblings and other relations with tales of I don’t know what I have done to pistachio to deserve this. But finally after years of guilt tripping I am finally past caring (it took awhile to get to this point). She is mid 80’s now (old and vulnerable) so personally I would feel too guilty if I went completely no contact now and also its not a good example to show to my DC. But nothing was ever enough if I visited for an hour or two it would be oh are you going now. Other times I would be told I am going out now after 10 minutes. If I invite her to do something it gets turned around to she’ll let me know or just leave it or she is doing something with another sibling etc. If I don’t ask her to do something I get poor me I’ll be all on my own. In conversations it’s like she is asking questions to gain information and trying to trip me up. She says oh you did that at the weekend did you (you can almost hear her thinking so that was better and more important than visiting me). Especially, if I have been on holiday or spent a day in the countryside or something. She plays favourites playing one sibling against another. If I buy her a gift she wants me to take it back, she doesn’t really like it, moves it to the hallway if a gift for the home or tells me she wished I hadn’t bothered etc etc.

You have to do what is right for you OP good luck you just can’t please some people. Just be kind to yourself (mother yourself) and try and be the mother you never had.

Cut her off your life will be better.

I haven't seen my dm since 2012..
It's liberating.. I definitely recommend it op.