AIBU about expecting DH to be less stressed on weekend outings with kids?

[mothersdayq]

Trying to work out if I’m expecting too much here.

We live in a big city and have two children: baby and 4yo. I’m a SAHM (with a passive income to avoid a drip feed) and quite used to just getting on with things when we’re out (crying, tantrums, snacks, etc).

He finds our 4yo difficult to deal with due to normal 4yo things like tantruns, constantly changing their mind (“I want my banana peeled / no not peeled”), stopping every five minutes on a walk to point at a leaf or something interesting, spillages of drinks or just the endless talking. All fairly typical stuff but he finds it quite overwhelming.

Then with the baby he panics as soon as the baby cries. Yesterday for example we’d been out walking for about an hour and the baby started crying in the buggy. Instead of just calmly heading somewhere to sit, DH immediately started panicking about there being no benches and his mood immediately changed, no chatting, stressed expression. We ended up walking to a café which was always the obvious solution anyway.

He then suggested maybe we should bring bottles so we can just feed immediately anywhere the baby cries. But realistically the baby is quite big and I can’t just stand in the middle of a park feeding, I’d still need somewhere to sit like a bench or café. He also asked why we make it so difficult for ourselves by going on days out as opposed to mainly staying home or going out for short one hour bursts so we’re never too far from home.

He gets very stressed if the baby cries in public, scanning the room, worrying about people looking at us, wanting to leave immediately even if we’re somewhere casual like a Costa.

The overall effect is that within about 10 minutes of an outing I often feel like it would actually be calmer if I’d just taken the kids myself. But the flip side is that I don’t like the idea that he opts out and I’m always the one doing everything while he gets the relaxed role.

Yesterday it sort of illustrated the dynamic: we were in a café while I was feeding the baby and the 4yo had slightly spilled something. DH was getting increasingly stressed so I said “do you want to go on a little walk?” and he actually it became far less stressful.

So I’m stuck between two things: outings with him often feel more stressful than outings without him but i also don’t want him opting out completely and me doing everything alone

Am I being unreasonable expecting him to cope with this stage of parenting a bit more calmly? Or is this just a phase some people struggle with until the kids are older?

The kids thing aside, he’s loving, caring, does a lot at home. Just struggles with kids stuff.

This reminds me of how I was at one point when my dc were small. I had gone back to work full time in a stressful job, long commute, undiagnosed depression and anxiety. DH was mostly at home doing a great job. I felt I was failing at everything.

I found myself getting very stressed at home over small things like a spilt drink etc. I eventually had a nervous breakdown when youngest dc was 18 months old.

Talk to him. This will not improve on its own because the childhood tantrums will stop but other stressors will replace them.

Have you spoken honestly with him about this? Told him how his behaviour impacts you and the family? What you are describing is absolutely normal child behaviour but he’s acting like the sky is falling in.

My SIL is a bit like this. She does have diagnosed anxiety disorder, and she found it very hard to stay calm when anything unexpected happened - even if it was totally normal child behaviour. Drinks getting spilled / food getting dropped on clothes / meltdowns and tears / late for a nap / nappy needs changing somewhere inconvenient - you could see her tensing up, stressed look and worry lines, just getting in a panic about how to cope with it. She actually didn’t have a second child because of how stressful she finds the humdrum of parenting.

Ok, so that’s a problem. He’s only willing to interact with his own children under specific circumstances? And he wants family life to be organised around that?

why does he need to rest / nap so much? Is he in good health? Does he have a very stressful / tiring job?

what did you say when he told you this? I’m afraid I would have laughed in DHs face if he said this when I was spending my entire day dealing with all these situations, on repeat. As parents do.

What are his parents like?

I suspect your DH’s mum or dad must have been a panicker and he is repeating a pattern. He may have been taught very young that young children are stressful and panic inducing

It doesn’t matter if he comes home complaining, he should still be sent out on regular short trips with the 4 year old. He needs to learn to care for his own kids in public or it’ll be a nightmare for you.

Yep me too. Op sounds like your Dh just doesn’t enjoy the small kids phase and so he knows that you will take over and sort it out if he gets stroppy.

I was the one that did everything with my baby and toddler for EBF babies, but I would have found those things very stressful too.

There's no way I would have put myself in a Costa with a baby and small child. I would have remained out in the park in that situation and sat under a tree if there were no benches.

So I think while there may be an element of DH not knowing how to cope, I think there is also an element of him not being able to do things his way, due to you being the primary carer.

The situation you describe sounds very difficult to cope with (to me), not because of the DC's needs, but because of the social situation. It's partly a privacy thing and partly a judgement thing. Finding myself in that kind of situation in a very enclosed public space, it feels very performative.

I think maybe your assumption about DH is wrong and I think if you want to have more enjoyable weekends, you could try following his lead. I don't think you have done anything wrong though @mothersdayq .

@mothersdayq was he like this when your eldest was a baby?

Is he like this with other things, work etc if someone doesn’t quite go to plan?

It sounds very annoying but you can’t really demand he changes how he feels. He didn’t become aggressive or nasty he just went quiet and felt worried. Hardly a crime just irritating. I DO see why it’s annoying - he’s a grown man and father and incompetency is unattractive. But it’s how he feels…

Why are his feelings more important than her reality of being the one who has to do all the active parenting? His ‘feelings’ mean that he should be able to go for a nap while she deals with yet another meltdown / spilled drink / dirty nappy? I don’t think so.

@1000StrawberryLollieshe says “that’s just how I am”

@AreYouBrandNew yes he does and he says he’s just not made for parenting, it’s harder for him than for him

@Mintchocshis jobs isn’t exactly relaxed but nothing as stressful as, let’s say, heart surgeon or CEO. It’s an office job with a moderate level of responsibility, no life or death scenarios.

Unfortunately you can't really change someone's response to stimuli like this. He can't cope with it. If he was doing something bad, like shouting or refusing to come or storming off you could change that, but you can't change 'his face looks stressed'. His face is stressed because he is stressed, because he finds small children stressful. That's unfortunately just his experience of small children.

If his agitation annoys you all you can do is divide and conquer. Let him take the older one out alone. Once the baby doesn't need to feed as much he can be left with the baby too. What I wouldn't do is let him walk away from his responsibilities. It's ok that he finds it stressful, it's not ok to therefore just not do it. That's not how it works when you've made two babies!

Hopefully, once they're older he will come into his own a bit more.

@MJagain to be fair to him, he does most of our “family admin” (booking MOT, managing any insurance, booking and supervising plumbers), he’s the main driver if we go out of town, he does more tidying whilst I do kids and cooking.
not depressed or otherwise ill, no ageing parents.
Sees his friends, goes for pints after work.

@Rounder888 he definitely has time to recharge at the weekends. This weekend it occurred that he reminds me of how my dad is when he visits me for the day - I do the parenting, he steps in when he fancies but can randomly just say his legs are tired or he needs a coffee and sit down without asking if I need help or will manage ok. Except my dad is almost 80, has sore knees and isn’t my kids’ parent… so naturally it’s very much ok for him but weird of DH.

@LameBorzoihe gets annoyed if I bring it up. “It’s just who I am” “I struggle with kids / parenting” “it’s difficult for me” “if you don’t like how I am, you can leave”

I honestly think, if he is otherwise good, that this comes down to just not being used to it. We have a 2 year old and a baby, not much phases me! I’m on maternity leave currently so with both babies all day every day and I think I’m just used to the chaos😂 so crying, a tantrum, a spilled drink, a little fall while running at the park, an explosive poo, an unexpected feed etc are just part of my life and really are no drama. I do find that my husband feels much more stressed about those things though, he’s great, but because he works and isn’t at home/out with us all day he isn’t used to it the same way I am. He often says he thinks it is easier to be at home whereas I totally find it easier to be out and about.

Not quite the same because my husband doesn’t make a drama of it and he really is an equal parent when he is here but I can see him getting a bit stressed when there is a hiccup!

Just saw your latest post though, I don’t think the “if you don’t like how I am you can leave” is fair. If he doesn’t want to work at it and is prepared to be left over it then… don’t let the door hit him on his way out.

@Scarydinosaursit is absolutely catastrophic if people are looking. I’m the opposite in that I truly do not care if people are looking, I am very difficult to embarrass. He says I’m just “socially retarded” because I don’t care if people look, I’ve suggested to a fellow plane passenger that he should look into saving up for a private jet and avoid holidays until he’s done it because he sighed repeatedly and dramatically at my child.

“if you don’t like how I am, you can leave”

This is very much not a normal response. He seems to entirely lack empathy for you.

What was his own parenting experience like? Sounds like he is being triggered by the crying and other behaviours of your children and might need therapy for his anxieties around that.
Until he has had support then I doubt he will change alot if eldest is already 4 and he isn't finding it easier.
Definitely needs sorting though- not fair on you and he does need to be able to step up and take responsibility as a parent.

“If you don’t like how I am you can leave”

How manipulative!!!

He chose to have these children, he is choosing to stay in the family, so he doesn’t get to pick and choose the easiest bits of parenting. What if you did the same for goodness sake?!?!
Don’t pander to it, keep sending him out in smaller trios with one or both and ignore the martyr when he complains when he gets back.

Does he do a fair amount of bath times? Getting up in the early hours? Nappy changes? Bedtimes?

Again, he chose to have kids.
Tell him how deeply unattractive his behaviour is.

What would he do if you were hospitalised for appendicitis or whatever....

He sounds like a complete wet lettuce and that would give me rhe ick.

Me and DH are both a bit flappy and anxious people. We're not bad parents or people, we just struggle with the thought of something going wrong. When the DCs were little we would do tiny things, such as walk to the end of the road to post a letter, go for a walk around the block and get the DCs to take photos of interesting bugs/leaves/birds, or make a short list of what we needed for lunch and go to the shops were DC could cross things off.

I was a SAHM with 3 under 4 and managed perfectly well doing things like that. I used to find far away, all day excursions horrendous.

@mothersdayq

Like a lot of men, he's allergic to fatherhood. Did he actually want kids?

Oooh my dh was quite a lot like this - the constant worrying about what other people think, them making too much noise.

i’d do a few things: set up time for yourself to relax by using some childcare or gym with crèche in the week. Acknowledge with your dh this is needed because he finds it too hard to take them both out.

Have a plan where he takes one child out at a time until he gets used to that, and the other child gets
some focused time with you. It may then be that he can do both as he’s more used to each individual child, over time.

get dh to do more practical things he’s good at.

my dh is a great dad to older children, good with teens, he really couldn’t deal with the unpredictability of two children.

My OH is similar OP. He makes a stressful situation worse. If one of our kids are kicking off then he huffs and puffs and exasperates the situation (same thing as you - we need to leave this restaurant, why are they behaving like this, telling them off etc). I've no advice. I just keep telling him they are children, they are supposed to be unreasonable and that he's the adult so he should behave like one. He's ok with one on one but he just doesn't have the patience for the more challenging behaviours. I get it, children can really push your buttons and be so unreasonable at times but I'm a primary school teacher so I am used to the madness. They are a bit older now and it's much easier but he still gets in a flap or frustrated with them when they misbehave. He does the school run with them too which I just love hearing about 😂🙈.

Blimey, the more you write about him, the worse he sounds!
Why on earth has he fathered two children if he doesn’t think he’s cut out for fatherhood?!
Was he this shit when your 4yr old was a baby and toddler?