Do I still deserve engagement ring

[BlueLucy]

Hi. Partner and I have been together over 3 years. Great relationship, get on great and definitely feel he was the one I was waiting for all these years. Last year was a rough one, two miscarriages in 8 months but we’ve supported each other through it and are still optimistic that we’ll get out family one day. We’ve spoken about marriage multiple times and it’s something we both want, and also agree we don’t want a big flashy wedding. Something simple and tasteful which suits our personalities.
just this week partner has learned he may have inherited his dads chronic kidney disease (he’s only 39). And well, it’s just made me realise whats important in life, so I broached the subject yesterday and asked why are we actually waiting. We both want a marriage and hopefully once children come along we’ll probably never get round to doing it and would feel expense best spent elsewhere.
he agreed, said we should just book it.
i don’t feel “robbed” of a proposal as I would feel uncomfortable if he felt it had to be a grand gesture. However, I’ve always dreamed of having a beautiful engagement ring and what it represents,… but it’s not lost on me what marriage means and I guess that means more to me. But now I don’t know how to broach the subject without sounding like a brat.

Oh for goodness sake, a low key wedding doesn't mean you don't get to celebrate. Of course you should have a ring!

The lack of communication doesn't bode well. You need to be able to ask for what you want, make this the starting point. There's nothing wrong with going halves. Start a conversation around the wedding, even simple ones take planning and say that you want an engagement ring.

You say, ‘can we agree a budget for an engagement ring and go out together to choose one?’

You can just suggest you go to choose an engagement ring together surely? Then announce your plans to friends and family? I don’t think it’s so much a “deserve” thing? But a statement. It is traditionally a symbol of the promise to get married i guess, so you’ve made the promise by a nice and respectful discussion together- now you shop for the ring? No big deal?

Absolutely you should have a ring.
Very sensible to dual down the wedding, but definitely have a ring if you would like one.

Say ‘I’d love a proposal and a ring’.

We went and bought a ring together, or rather got a local designer to make it, chose the diamond from a selection sent down from the dealer too. Half the price of a similar carat /quality ring from the chains. My wedding band was by him too but just plain not custom

I’m conflicted on this one. In the spirit of “we want to get married so let’s just do it” I think it would be odd to ask for an expensive engagement ring. I think you should both get yourselves nice inexpensive bands and get down the registry office and make it official. I think you should make it clear that long term you would like an engagement ring. Once times are more steady perhaps.

Of course you should have a ring, even if you have a low key wedding.

Sorry, but I'm sure you've also considered if your child could also inherit the kidney disease. Depending on the exact condition, there might be screening options before getting pregnant, genetic counselling or PGT-M available.

Surely you know this man well enough by now to have this conversation with him!?

’darling, even though we are going to have a cheap wedding, I CAN still have an engagement ring, can’t I?

Of course you should still get a ring. Just ask him if you can go and choose one together?

I love jewellery so I understand the desire for a nice ring, but why don’t you just buy your own? Why does it need to be a joint cost or even all his?

BYW I agree with getting on with marriage and kids if that’s what you want. Life is short. And spend money on the things that will make a long term difference - housing, pension or travel.

I think that when a person is facing serious illness, their mind isn't on the usual excitement that goes with deciding to get married. So I'd give him some leeway with not having thought about rings etc.

That said, don't sell yourself short by having a completely joyless wedding with cheap rings! You are getting married! It is a big deal and you absolutely should have a beautiful ring if that's what you want. And your dp should want to give you something that has meaning for you.
You can have a quick, small wedding that is still beautiful and personal and joyful.

I agree with @Ponoka7 — I don’t understand why you can’t or won’t say ‘I’d still like a ring — shall we go and look at some?’

I’d question if you really should get married if you struggle to communicate to the level you can’t even say shall we go get an engagement ring on sat.

and it’s nor about deserving, which is an unusual almost religious cult take,

Speak to him.

If you have any doubts about being able to discuss the most trivial stupid things with him (and a ring may be trivial or not) then don't marry him.

Get a fancier wedding ring that you love instead. That might have more emotional connection too?

You aren’t a brat for wanting an engagement ring . That’s the normal thing. You get engaged , get a ring and then when you get married you get a wedding ring too. Doesn’t matter if you’re having a quick wedding or eloping etc you still need a ring .

Of course you should have a nice engagement ring. Go get one and enjoy it.

If you can't have this conversation with him, you're in for a rocky road with marriage!

I personally don't 'get' the whole engagement ring thing, and in low-key circumstances like yours, I just elected for a really beautiful wedding ring (rather than a plain band... and then I realised I also wanted a plain band for practicality so now I have both, plus another ring DH bought me when I was pregnant and my rings got too small, haha).

If you want one, honestly just say so. Loads of women do have one, it's not exactly an unusual or unreasonable request!

Thank you for the kind responses (most of them were). We communicate very well, thank you, more so now having had two pregnancy losses. I wanted a sounding board first before I broached the subject with him, which I now have, and we have both agreed to shop for one together and splitting the cost if need to. In the grand scheme of things marriage, health, home etc are much more important, but I appreciate I don’t have to make sacrifices or compromises on everything - he also agrees with this and in fact were his words. Wedding ring isn’t an issue as will be getting my great grandmas resized (my gran wore this for many years after her mam passed and is very sentimental)

Aw lovely news. The best of luck to you both 😊

You're not being a brat at all wanting a beautiful ring to symbolize your love and commitment is completely normal, especially after everything you've been through together. The key is framing it as something you'd love to have as a daily reminder of your partnership, not as a demand for a big production. You could gently say something like, I know we're keeping things simple, but I'd still love a ring I can treasure maybe we can pick something out together that feels special and fits us. You've been through so much as a team, and you deserve a symbol of that strength.

I personally couldn’t care less about having an engagement ring but if you want one you should broach the topic with him.

It certainly isn’t an unreasonable thing to ask.