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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want husband to stay awake for time together?

26 replies

Teamthree · 14/03/2026 21:56

My husband sleeps roughly 8 hours, albeit on a mattress on our 6yo daughter’s floor, every night while I sleep with our 19 month daughter and breastfeed through the night to get her back to sleep after every wake (she is not a good sleeper, never has been). If we are having a particularly rough night he will take her downstairs for me for a break, but this happens a lot less now she’s older as she only wants me in the night. He falls asleep almost every night when putting our big girl to bed at 8pm, when all I want is an hour or two together to chill and watch tv and unwind without the kids. I get cross and try to wake him up and that annoys him! I know I’m more triggered because I'm the one with chronic broken sleep, I haven't slept more than 5-7 broken hours since she was born, so feel he shouldn't be that tired! AIBU to want him to stay awake with me?

OP posts:
Maryamlouise · 14/03/2026 22:12

Does he get up really early if he sleeps 8hrs from 8pm? If not and he is sleeping like 10+hrs that seems like an abnormal amount of sleep to need every night and still be tired so maybe he should see GP. If I wanted to sleep though and someone wanted me to watch TV with them instead I wouldn't be impressed - not my idea of a fun evening. Maybe join him with the early nights for a while and catch up on sleep yourself and talk to him about spending more time together and what you could do

SunMoonandChocolate · 14/03/2026 22:13

Are you both working full time OP?

EvangelineTheNightStar · 14/03/2026 22:18

So he sleeps on a floor mattress… in a 6 year olds room.. you’re in a double bed with a toddler…he has to
get up in night with toddler and you wonder why he’s tired?
are you both working?

spicysalad · 14/03/2026 22:20

YABU breastfeeding a toddler through the night rather than sorting out her sleep routine

ForAmusedHazelQuoter · 14/03/2026 22:20

Could you change the routine sometimes and you do the 6 year old bedtime and he does chores or whatever to make it fair.

ForAmusedHazelQuoter · 14/03/2026 22:21

Or sleep train your toddler?

EvangelineTheNightStar · 14/03/2026 22:21

when all I want is an hour or two together to chill and watch tv and unwind without the kids.
where’s your unable to sleep alone toddler going to be at this time?

Morepositivemum · 14/03/2026 22:23

I’m exhausted quite early and find it hard staying up for quality time, could you allocate a type of date night or two or three nights where you stay up a little later? With kids I find you take any sleep you can get, it’s not as if you fall asleep the second your head hits the pillow and get a full nights sleep all the time!!

Rayqueen2026 · 14/03/2026 22:24

So your having a go at a husband that's actually helpful and supportive when you actually need to sort out your kids sleep training. I wouldn't wake mine up, you can have it both ways help with kids or not

Zippidydoodah · 14/03/2026 22:25

This isn’t a great situation for either of you.

You can either accept that this is it for a while, until your youngest daughter sleeps better, or you can do something about the fact that you’re feeding her to sleep all night long.

Do you both work the same amount of hours?

NaiceBalonz · 14/03/2026 22:34

YABU.

I'd be livid if I was your husband and you woke me up in that situation, absolutely raging. If he's falling asleep in there every night he's obviously shattered, ffs.

Original poster
Teamthree · 14/03/2026 22:34

EvangelineTheNightStar · 14/03/2026 22:21

when all I want is an hour or two together to chill and watch tv and unwind without the kids.
where’s your unable to sleep alone toddler going to be at this time?

She’s in bed with the baby monitor on? She wakes every few hours in the night and needs feeding back to sleep. When she’s asleep I could be anywhere cause she’s asleep…

OP posts:
CakeMeHomeIveSeenEnough · 14/03/2026 22:37

I'd be annoyed, too, if my spouse tried to wake me when I was sleeping. Falling asleep every night at 8 sounds a little odd for most adults who don't work strange hours, but since you say he's 'only' sleeping eight hours a night (which is perfectly normal, if you can manage it), he must need to be up for work fairly early.

The problem isn't your husband, it's your schedule with the kids. I'd focus on sorting that out. Short term suffering to achieve long-term goals.

TheTattooedLady · 14/03/2026 22:39

This isn’t really sustainable is it? What time is he having to get up if he’s going to sleep at 8 and getting 8 hours?

BudgetBuster · 14/03/2026 22:39

spicysalad · 14/03/2026 22:20

YABU breastfeeding a toddler through the night rather than sorting out her sleep routine

Sorting out?
That clearly is the toddlers sleep routine. There's nothing wrong with it.

springawakeningss · 14/03/2026 22:49

Get your toddler into her own room, there's no reason why she can't sleep through the night at her age. Then you'll have an evening together and a decent night's sleep in bed together

VenusClapTrap · 14/03/2026 22:58

Sleep train the kids

Original poster
Teamthree · 14/03/2026 23:06

EvangelineTheNightStar · 14/03/2026 22:18

So he sleeps on a floor mattress… in a 6 year olds room.. you’re in a double bed with a toddler…he has to
get up in night with toddler and you wonder why he’s tired?
are you both working?

He doesn’t have to get up with a toddler. He sleeps solidly 8+ hours 9 times out of 10. Our 6 year old sleeps through the night no problem, it was his choice to move into her room. Occasionally if we’re having a really rough night he would have our toddler downstairs for a couple of hours so I could get some rest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teamthree · 14/03/2026 23:07

Maryamlouise · 14/03/2026 22:12

Does he get up really early if he sleeps 8hrs from 8pm? If not and he is sleeping like 10+hrs that seems like an abnormal amount of sleep to need every night and still be tired so maybe he should see GP. If I wanted to sleep though and someone wanted me to watch TV with them instead I wouldn't be impressed - not my idea of a fun evening. Maybe join him with the early nights for a while and catch up on sleep yourself and talk to him about spending more time together and what you could do

He usually gets up at 7am no matter what time he fell asleep.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 14/03/2026 23:12

I breastfed until 2 op and in all honesty the first nurse we dropped was the night one but equally I understand that for some children that's a harder drop than others and some children do look to almost ''catch up" at night because they're with you for an extended period if you're back at work during the day.

I think you need to consider how long you're wanting to continue to nurse for and how you want weaning to look.

You don't need to do that right away if you don't want to - longer breastfeeding is associated with increased health benefits for mother and child and I know there were plenty of times mine had horrible nursery illnesses and wouldn't eat or drink but they would nurse and I felt really relieved that was still an option. So wanting to continue for a while yet is totally valid. But equally, its a long time to go without proper sleep so if you wanted to begin starting to gradually night wean then it's an option.

The other side to this is maybe you have an idea in your mind of when you're wanting weaning to happen in which case, are you really far away from that or are you thinking it'll realistically only be another few months for example? I think if I had a rough idea in my head and I knew it was only for another few months I'd just accept this phase and stage and let your dh sleep. Realistically going on little sleep brings out the best in absolutely noone so forcing him to stay up later and be more tired might not be the help to your relationship you are expecting. What might be a good option is considering who else could babysit to let you both go out on a date now and then?

How do you feel about nursing and the idea of weaning?

Whataridiculousdog · 14/03/2026 23:13

I think it's so easy to hate the only other adult in the house at this stage in life, but in reality you are both sleep deprived and shattered and adjusting

I would just enjoy having a peaceful evening to read /watch TV and accept you will get adult time back as the children get older

Original poster
Teamthree · 14/03/2026 23:14

So to clarify. We both work, me part time at the moment until our youngest starts nursery in September then I will be increasing. He works full time, permanently WFH. He starts work at 7am, so just wakes up and switches his laptop straight on. He sleeps minimal 8 hours up to 10-11 hours, unless he has helped me with the youngest in night when she’s really distressed with teething etc. But that is very occasionally. I love my husband very much, and don’t want to deny him sleep, but he can sleep the same schedule as our 6 year old and I find that bonkers! I just want some adult time with him without the kids!

I have attempted to night wean a few times and this girl can scream for hours and no one gets any sleep, including our 6yo. So we gave up.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 14/03/2026 23:19

That's fair enough op, unless you are desperate there's no point in forcing something imo. All children wean eventually so as long as you're feeling okay with it at the minute then do what's right for you and is the path of least resistance.

I think if he's getting a solid 11+ hrs most nights then he needs to see a gp if he can't stay awake for an odd movie night. Does he snore? Could sleep apnoea be a issue where he's sleeping but not good sleep? I love sleep and I'd say I could sleep more than most but can also function on less when needed so if you were even able to set aside, say a Friday evening as a bit of an in house date evening, then he should be able to cope with that.

Hankunamatata · 14/03/2026 23:21

Night wean and stick to it. It will take at least a couple of weeks.

Original poster
Teamthree · 14/03/2026 23:22

Lavender14 · 14/03/2026 23:12

I breastfed until 2 op and in all honesty the first nurse we dropped was the night one but equally I understand that for some children that's a harder drop than others and some children do look to almost ''catch up" at night because they're with you for an extended period if you're back at work during the day.

I think you need to consider how long you're wanting to continue to nurse for and how you want weaning to look.

You don't need to do that right away if you don't want to - longer breastfeeding is associated with increased health benefits for mother and child and I know there were plenty of times mine had horrible nursery illnesses and wouldn't eat or drink but they would nurse and I felt really relieved that was still an option. So wanting to continue for a while yet is totally valid. But equally, its a long time to go without proper sleep so if you wanted to begin starting to gradually night wean then it's an option.

The other side to this is maybe you have an idea in your mind of when you're wanting weaning to happen in which case, are you really far away from that or are you thinking it'll realistically only be another few months for example? I think if I had a rough idea in my head and I knew it was only for another few months I'd just accept this phase and stage and let your dh sleep. Realistically going on little sleep brings out the best in absolutely noone so forcing him to stay up later and be more tired might not be the help to your relationship you are expecting. What might be a good option is considering who else could babysit to let you both go out on a date now and then?

How do you feel about nursing and the idea of weaning?

I am fairly conflicted on weaning. I am very much looking forward to the day we are done, but at the same time don’t want to rush her. She is most attached to nursing at night. In the day I can easily distract her with other food, play etc. But at night it’s boob or she screams for hours. And that keeps everyone up. So in my head I imagined we would continue until she is old enough for me to explain that she is having no more boob, only big girl milk like her sister. So maybe age 2-2.5? And yes she is starting nursery in September so I was kind of wanting to nurse through the inevitable bugs she’ll be bringing home if possible!

OP posts: